Darren Paterson, Sports Editor Okay, here we are again, and here I am again licking my friend’s blood off of one of my kitchen knives. But even repeatedly stabbing someone to death just doesn’t seem to satisfy my bloodlust, so I'd like to take a moment or two here to vent a little bit whilst I reflect upon the down side of sports. So let’s get going. Blood. It’s on your mind too, I bet. As you sit and write your college papers, and as you procrastinate by watching TV, and as you read this article, you’re all wonder- ing just what it would be like to kill someone. Search your heart; you know it to be true. You want to beat someone to death right now. But here’s the thing, you don’t. Mostly because it’s illegal, incredibly immoral, and you'd feel like crap after- wards, but also because you’ve already vented that desire through other means. How? By watching professional athletes do it for you. You watch your hockey games and scream like animals when a player drops the gloves, you watch your football and lose it when someone gets sacked, and you charge your TV every time a baseball player charges the mound. I know you do, because I do, too. And everything I do is mimicked by society. And just like me, society wants to see sport fights. But this is where I get to my point: It’s not enough, is it? The guys wrestle to the ice, the quarterback gets up, the players are separated, and then it’s over. And your adrenaline is pumping like mad, begging for more. But more is not to come. The next face-off is taken, the next snap, the next pitch, and the game goes on. And this is where modern spectator sports have taken a turn for the worse. Back when spectator sports were real- ly taking off, hundreds of thousands of Romans turned out to see two slaves (or lions, or tigers, or bears) fight to the death. feah...to the death. That’s the way we want it. The Romans had it right when they packed those giant colosseums with fans. People want blood, and the gladia- tors and chariot races gave it to them. After a match, I guarantee no one went home saying, “I liked it, but there wasn’t enough action.” Because you know you're getting your money’s worth when some- one’s dead at the end of the day. It allows you to live out your fantasy of killing a SkyTrain security officer, or a cheating girlfriend, or a SkyTrain security officer, without actually having to do it. Then you can avoid all the messy aftermath, be it the bloody mess or the mental and emo- tional mess, which you are soon to become. It’s like a magical cure-all for stress. As though you’re right in the ring with the gladiators, stabbing your best slave buddy to death while simultaneously stabbing away all your troubles and fears. Yes, this is what the sporting world selves with more Roman-like action. Hockey should allow more slashing and eye-gouging with the sticks. Baseball should allow the players to carry the bat with them around the bases and beat down any one in their way. And sports without such tools, such as Soccer, should provide players with a bludgeoning instru- ment so that they can do the same. Because when I watch those poor players kick and punch at each other while know- ing that they can only go so far, I shed a little tear. Players should be allowed to needs, more blood and more death. I believe that all major sports should con- tinuously change their rules to reflect the modern views; and since the modern hype is retro I believe that all major sports should change their rules to retrofit them- beat a man to death on the field instead of being vilified for it like Todd Bertuzzi was. And the fact that they can’t represents, to me, the down side of sports. What little compassion the NHL and NHLPA have for poor, unimaginative, college-newspaper editors. Not only have they taken away my favourite hockey team, but they’ve also taken away my best article material in the process. With no Canucks there is no corner, there is only a few snippets of information regarding the length of the lockout. And that length recently got longer, as the NHL has told teams that they’re clear to book their arenas with other events until Dec 3. This means the lockout will last a minimum of 45 days, with a total of 340 games being cancelled. That’s over a quarter of the planned 1,230 games from the 2004/2005 season. With no talks W | STRERPRES Lockout Gorner Darren Paterson, Sports Editor between the NHL and NHLPA since Sept. 9, and no talks planned, the wait looks like it could continue on. And with no movement on the CBA line, the only things making headlines in the hockey world are Chris Chelios rip- ping Gary Bettman apart in interviews, and polls that indicate just how little Americans care. Chelios blamed Bettman for the state of the game and made two suggestions that I tend to agree with. Firstly, that Wayne Gretzky should replace Bettman as commissioner, which seems a pretty good idea given, the success that Gretzky has had in all levels of hockey and also considering the weight he pulls with players and owners alike. Secondly, Chelios suggested that the league be con- tracted and that teams be folded. I used to be a huge fan of the league expansion, but now I realize that a contraction of the league would mean that players like Rick Nash, Danny Heatley, Ilya Kovalchuk, and all of the Tampa Bay Lightning, wouldn’t have to continue to play hockey in cities where nobody gives a fuck. And if you redistribute all the talent that’s on those teams in the uninterested American cities, then every team in the league would suddenly have at least two kick-ass lines. But I can expand on that next time, so that if nothing continues to happen, I’ll have at least some- thing to write about in this column. But until then, let us all share a silent prayer that the hockey gods soon reunite us with our favourite sport. ONctaber 27/2004