issue 14 // volume 42

humour // no. 23

 

Screening process 1n question

» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.

an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,

burning long through the night,

as her own form of protection

from the terror that may be

coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he

expects us to feed him!”

Everly commented during

an interview. “First we are

supposed to allow him into

our country, into our homes,

and still he demands milk and

cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is

more than prepared for a Santa-

less Christmas this year, having

recently purchased most of

her children’s presents on sale

this past Black Friday. “I had

: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a

: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows

Aw outcry has called into what from the North Pole.”

Everly is currently under

investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at

“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under

: the advice of her lawyer.

She is not the only one

: finding Santa’s visit a hard

: pill to swallow this year, as

: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which

: side to stand on. Many are

: arguing that the process is

: too lax, and that even one

: bad elf could cause serious

: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his

Everly plans on keeping her fires : <
: worker elves with utmost care.

The big man himself

weighed in on the matter: “To

: think that my well-meaning

: elves would have anything

: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families

: of America is ridiculous! There

: is an intense interview process

: that each elf goes through

: before even being considered

: for work in the shop, with piles

: of documents for each and

: every one of them. It’s a very

: detailed and thorough process.

: Frankly, they’re all so thankful

: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider

: trying anything sinister.”

  

Image via thinkstock

 

Transit etiquette

» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus

Josh Visser
Columnist

hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:

© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.

® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou

know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time

by reading further. They
will thank you for it.

® Talk on the phone in an out-

side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.

© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.

® Watch others with
lingering eyes.

¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.

¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must

be cool with it too.

* If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.

® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.

We all share transit. What

: you do while on it is totally up

: to you, as you are hopefully

: a fully autonomous person

: (as opposed to a robot)...

: but just remember there are

: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon

: yourself to entertain them

: by making an ass of yourself

: by following this guide.

 

  

Image via thinkstock