News New Student Union to be Elected on a “Cakes for All” Platform Election to sweep out old “Reduce Tuition Fees” slate Nicole Burton, News Editor A flock of students could be seen mingling about the main concourse at New Westminster campus last Thursday. Atop the many tables displaying buttons, leaflets and flyers fresh off the presses urging students to vote in the upcoming student elections, was a secret weapon for the new party in town. You asked for it, students have demanded it, and they are delivering: mounds and mounds of freshly baked cakes. “We’ve mobilized on campus today to show that we’re fed up with elected officials who think they can just dish out any old garbage at us and we’ll take it,” said Bethany Crocker, a second year business student and president of the new “Cakes for All” slate at Douglas College. “Our basis of unity is simple: we like cake. You like cake? Then you want to be a part of this group.” In the buzz of student elections scheduled for next week, the new “Cakes for All” slate has been attracting the attention thousands of Douglas students, as well as local media and even national TV Food networks. In an eery display of party spirit, one clandestine supporter has even made a ‘banner’ of cake icing smeared across the third-floor balcony, which vaguely reads, “Just Desserts for DSU.” Most local media are predicting that Douglas College students are to turn out in a show of force unlike any other in recent college history next week, demanding a student union more representative of the changing dietary 4 choices of BC students. Are you confused yet? Don’t worry — student Cake activists say you’re not crazy, just out of touch with the reality of young people in the modern world. In an exclusive Other Press interview, Mitch Sweet-Garrison explained the situation. He is a leading Cake activist and a second-year political science student. He doesn’t mince his words, and cuts to the chase. “More and more today, students are turning away from conventional ideas not only of what it means to be a student, but more importantly, what it means to eat. Student unions could be elected ten years ago without anyone knowing if they were into cake, sugar, whatever—and that was totally acceptable.” Sweet-Garrison says that changing student choices and interests towards life’s “simple pleasures” and away from such issues as tuition fees or national politics leaves a lot of work to be done for activists such as himself. When asked about his opinion on tuition fees or other “conventional student issues,” Sweet Garrison dismissed the questions as irrelevant. “Tuition fees, grants, loans— all of that is complicated. And boring, to say the least! Let’s make it easy for people; everyone likes cake. See? There—now we have agreement, from students to government officials. Now we can start moving forward.” Sweet-Garrison recognizes that many students today have been making big changes in their everyday lives due to the decreasing standard of living for BC students under the Liberal government, and the resulting cultural collapse that has devastated the once youth-rich art and music industry scenes of the Lower Mainland. Statistics Canada indicates that in 1991, the most cherished pastimes of BC students were group sports such as soccer and hockey, joining college radio funk bands, and enjoying a meal at their favourite restaurant. In a follow-up report just released in January 2007, students have now indicated that their three most popular pastimes, respectively, are “Eating cakes—all kinds of cakes”, “Humming into ceiling fans,” and “Rolling in dirt while eating cake.” The change in student interests has some statisticians baffled, and digging deeper than cake to find the answers. Henry Duboid of Statistics Canada claims that this report indicates not a change of interests, but more a “severe consequence” of systematic cuts to social services and government funding such as grants and bursaries. “Students are not ‘choosing cake’ per-se; more, the cake is a sad turn by a desperate group in society,” said Duboid. “The instinct towards cake is partially a confused survivalist instinct, half a... how should I say, an opiate, a muscle relaxant—the same reason why people like morphine.” So how has this translated into a political issue? At the Douglas Students Union All-Candidates’ Forum last Tuesday, the issue became front and centre in an open debate. Student activist Will Charlain, in the middle of his “Reduce tuition—Restore government funding” speech, was cut off to shouts and chants of “Cake! Cake! We want cake!!!” Students, some foaming at the mouth, called out and blocked Charlain from speaking further, at the urging of Crocker, Sweet- Garrison and their fellow Cake party members. Other students rolled in the dirt and hummed into fans as a show of their group’s strength. “T think we’re going to win this election,” said Crocker from the sidelines, nibbling on a cupcake. Still, the new campaign has its critics. “Tt’s terribly sad, because people are getting stupider and stupider due to a worsening education system, and instead of fighting it, they’re just trying to capitalize off it,” said Gary Weever, Douglas Facilities custodian and all- around social commentator. “The truth is, this whole ‘Students for Cake’ thing is a downward spiral. Tell these idiots to start digging up.” But Crocker and Sweet-Garrison say they won’t be discouraged; they think students are choosing cake and rolling in the dirt—‘Dirt-rolling’ is what we’re calling it these days!” said Crocker—as happy choices made freely and willingly by happy students. “I disagree very much with what Mr. Cake-hater over there just said to you—yeah, the one with the mop,” said Sweet-Garrison, yelling over the chants of “Cake!” by their counterparts. A food-fight had begun, with several impartial students getting smoked in the crossfire. “Sounds to me like he just needs a big piece of cake!”