£
a&ke@op.douglas.be.ca

Steve Earle @ the Rage

March 11,

ae than twa: ears
= his — ow at
the Rage, the Sweat and

most atthentic country
pe rformer since the
inal outlaws of the
arly, seventies Gey
Sen nings, Wil Be Ne
Kris Kristofferson, etc.)
returns, This is an over-
simplification.

Steve hit the scene in the early eighties
and was lumped in with Randy Travis
and Dwight Yoakam as one of the new
wave of traditional singer/songwriters to
come out of Nashville. Earle has always
tried to distance himself from industry
and media attempts to lump him in with

OPinion

1998

the new wave and has succeeded
admirably, but not exclusively because of
his musical creativity, One thing that
Nashville hates are druggies. They love
drunks, but shove a needle in your arm
or take a toke and faster than a Danny
Gatton lick they'll turn you out on your
ear. However, being shunned by the
Nashville establishment has turned out
to be a good thing for Steve Earle. Not
being lumped in with the Big Hat
country (Garth Brooks, et al.) has
allowed Steve to grow as an artist and to
find a fan base that is more interested in
songwriting and performing than in his
choice of hatwear, or lack of it.

Which brings me to the main point of
this piece: the music! Earle’s latest album

opinions@op.douglas.be.ca

 

Tom Laws

 

We have. Haleween for
the d ead Christmas
aS kiddies, but,
nothing for the
of our Society.
okay, maybe ‘hristinas.
Fear not, for here comes
St. Valentine’s Day! St.
Valentine was kind o
the perverted Saint.
Reverend Tom (who is
aver ir spiritual
guidance at

or
amn-it
ayers

submit op. oo ugles BCC)
= con ae that way
in the old country,

all the Saints used to
faugh and call him
names. They never let
poor Valentine, play in
ay Saint-like gamés

Probably because of his
sissy name.

The original holiday was meant to
bring people together for love. Yeah,
right. In the nineties, love has been
replaced by sex. Cupid has now become
obsolete. But who will not be sad to see
him go? Aside from the disgusting sight
of a bald guy running around with a
diaper on, he made people fall in love.
Bah, humbug. It’s time for a new hero,
a nineties kinda guy. Meet: “Gropius”
the patron saint of “Gettin’-it-on!” He'll
bring two people together properly.
Instead of shooting them with those
little sissy arrows with hearts on them,

Formicate

he’s got hypodermic syringes full of
aphrodisiacs to shoot at potential lovers.
Chocolate for women, and air for men.

But, then it’s up to these people to
practice safe sex, and that’s where the
whole holiday goes down the toilet. See,
Valentine’s Day is actually a huge
conspiracy by the government (hereto-
fore to be referred to as “the govern-
ment”). The government bought 99.9%
of the shares in the condom industry.
The other 0.1% is owned by perverts
like St.-Valentine (who, according to
Reverend Tom, would havé been a pimp
had he been alive today) or Mrs. Claus
who doesn’t want to get “Dutch Elves
Disease” while turning all those tricks up
north. Thems:a lot of condoms you
know.

But this is why Valentine’s Day is
allowed in the schools.’ Kids get all these
little pieces of paper that they translate
into people wanting them, and they go
out and buy condoms, and the-govern-
ment makes lots-o-cash to influence our
minds and corrupt our youth. It’s sad
really, because even now in college, lots
of people still do this “new math.”
Especially men. If men get little pieces
of paper, it obviously means that the
girls want to sleep with them. So,
Valentine’s Day (heretofore to be
referred to as VD-Day) is also a day
where we can reflect upon the past year
of sexual frustration, and then try to
make sure that history doesn’t repeat
itself in the new year. Would it not
make more sense to save all that money
from little pieces of paper and...rent a

by Adam Brooks

is 1997's El Corazon, and continues the
strong resurgence his career has enjoyed
since his release from prison two years
ago (Earle did a short stint in the can for
heroin possession; he has been clean and
sober since his release). One of the
standout tracks is his collaboration with
the Supersuckers—it reveals a more flat-
out rocking aspect to his music,
something his contemporaries sorely
lack.

Country music is a much maligned
form these days, but Steve Earle seems
eminently capable of redeeming it from
its present ignominy. And he puts on
one hell of a show too!!

Tix @ Ticketmaster.

EB

gender-non-specific-pleasure-enhance-

ment-specialist-technician (love that PC)
so that at least for one night (or ten
minutes for men), this next year will not
be quite as depressing as the last?

So, in the true spirit of the holiday,
the DCSS should open up something
like they do the summer barbecue every
year. They should open up a brothel
and burlesque house for two or three
days so the neighbourhood kids can see
what Valentine’s Day is really about.

And what a great way to raise money
for the schoof: Instead of using my
tuition dollars for useless stuff like
garbage can lids, they could use this new
form of revenue. It could be “Sleep

: With Your Favourite DCSS Member

Day”! The community would be so
appreciative, they could give us a plaque,
or a bagel, or a brand new set of
matching His and Her Condoms!!! (on
sale at Safeway for $4.99, page 123 in
the coupon book.)

So, no matter how many pieces of
paper you got boys, you are still
undesirable, except now you just look
foolish carrying around two tons of
paper. And women, keep on giving
those things to your guys, inflate their
egos, then crash them down in a fiery
apocalyptic way on February 14. And to
all the genders, no matter how many
Valentines you get, no matter how many
times you “get-it-on!” on February 14,
you can be safe in the fact that Sue
Johanson has got you licked...I mean
she’s beaten you all...I mean...forget it. ¢

 

THERE'S TOO MANY
PESPLE IN THIS WORD,

YOUR CYNICAL

COMPLAINING ONLY
REFLECTS ‘YOUR,

True. APATHY.

     
 
   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
      

WELL, L'Lt Be
DAMNED.

 

 

 

Ask Reverend Tom

Dear Reverend Tom:
What is God’s favourite food?
Vegan Meister

Dear Vegan:

One of God’s favourite foods is SPAM because it reminds him of Noah's ark.
There’s a little bit of all God’s creatures in each can of SPAM. Unlike Noah,
who forgot the snails and slugs, God made sure that Hormel added the slugs to
get that nice gelatinous guk around the edges.

 

Dear Reverend Tom:
Does God use Windows 95?
Linus Linux

Dear Linux:

No. According to scripture, however, way back when, God made an operating
system and called it “Windows ’95BC”. When Lucifer started up hell, it began.
as a state-of-the-art resort destination, and was getting far more business than
heaven. So, God sent down the OS for hell’s new computers. Soon after, hell
became chaotic. Nothing worked properly, and everything was incompatible
with everything else. Thus we get the modern idea of hell. This situation was
later re-incarnated by Bill Gates, a demonic offspring of Satan.

Dear Reverend Tom:
Was God ever a bartender?

Dear Sod:

Yeah, but he got fired. He just couldn't pet the pouring of a beer down. He
would fill up the glass with mostly foam. Strangely, however, the patrons loved
him despite the relatively high amount of suds in the beer and fought vigorously
for management to keep him on. But to no avail, as He was eventually fired for
giving too much head.

Drunken Sod

 

 

© 1997 Adam Brooks she son of e preacher man all rights reserved.

 

 

IBRITISW CorumeiAS ExeoRT

REPLACEMENT

 

 

Be

The Larry Flint Greokfost Cereo\

 

COCOA
BOOBs

A Silicon Prize
in every boy!

 

=

js

 

oe rete Press ot 11, 1998 5

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