by Alisa Gordaneer VICTORIA (CUP)-- Cynthia, Sheila and Carrie face more problems than most mothers. Along with runny noses, dirty diapers, tantrums, chicken pox and the monster under the bed, they have to deal withbeing lesbianmothersina homophobic society. They fall into a kind of political gap. This society isuncomfortable with les- bianism in the first place. When lesbians choose to have children, an activity closely associated with heterosexuality, straight society pretends they don’t exist. And be- cause motherhood is not an issue for most lesbians, lesbian mothers often receive lit- tle or no support in their own community. “There’s still a lot of strong societal attitudes — that lesbians are not real women. That real women want to have men,” says Sheila. But society is rapidly changing, and who works and a mother who stays home with the kids is now far from the norm. Some studies indicate that two of three marriages will end in divorce. More and more single women are choosing to have children on their own. Along with biologically-related parents and children, definitions of family now commonly in- clude step-parents and half-siblings, fami- lies with only one parent, and families with adopted or foster children. Butmuch of society isslow to accept a definition of family that includes two moms or two dads. Cynthia, Sheila, and Carrie are all “out” as lesbians, and it affects how they are accepted by friends and family, in the workplace, and in society at “I try to be out in that way. I try to let people know we're doing it, we’re out here,” she says. Cynthia describes herself as “not super-politicized.” “Y’mjustdoing my thing. WhenI got pregnant, I didn’t feel like it was a big political stand.” in itself may not be a political statement, but lesbian mothers unity sometimes have trouble ac- ting that a mother can be a lesbian. Once, Cynthia was talking to a woman at a gay bar who asked why she lhadn’t seen her there before. Cynthia ex- ained she was usually at home with her immins Supplement Lesbian Mothering-It's no piece of cake the stereotypical nuclear family ofafather C daughter. “She got pretty freaked out,” Cynthia says. Carrie says the lesbian commu- nity in Victoria is generally not that sup- portive. “They’re living their own lives, and that doesn’t include kids.” Like other lesbians and gay men, Cynthia, Sheila and Carrieface the subtle heterosexism that pervades the social struc- ture. When a child is enrolled in school or daycare, the forms must be filled in with the names of both parents — mother and father. “On the consent forms, I put down my s name. That's the problem with filling out these forms. You're putina position to erase the existence of your part- ner, or come out,” says Sheila. “You're putting yourself, or your child, ina poten- babies and stay homeand takecare of their _ tially dan: ly dangerous position.” “We kind of worried what was going to happen at the playschool,” says ynthia. “But when we were first there, looking around, we said ‘we’re her par- ents’ and that was absolutely fine. We were — lucky. It could have been a big prob- lem.” When they decided they wanted children, Cynthia and her partner ran into problems right away. They tried an alter- native often used by many straight women —a doctor specializing in donor insemina- tion. “He was extremely homophobic. He threw me out of his office when he found out I was a lesbian,” Cynthia says. Cynthia and her decided to go elsewhere for their sperm. A friend of a friend became the anonymous donor, and Cynthia got Outdated ideas about what constitutes a family can putunnecessary stress on lesbians who are or want to be pregnant. the Cynthia : ways that when she stereoty pical vent for ultrasound 2sts while pregnant, image of the hey wouldn’tlether | hey would lets fa nuclear ts i f | ther in. “That made i mereallyangry. The 2 fey Se hospital said it was she is not com- : their rule. That was pletely “out” at ong exists it, no exceptions,” work, she doesn’t she says. hideherlesbianism However, she says “once! was in the hospital, they were more open. They were really good, and accepted Dawn as the other parent.” Anonymous donors have their advantages, especially for lesbianmothers. Ifadonorknows theidentity of the child he fathered, he can sue for custody. Although he probably would not immediately be granted custody, he has a good chance in the court system as it now exists. And he definitely has more rights than the non- biological parent in a lesbian family. But Cynthia’s lawyer, who is also a lesbian, has assured her there is little chance she could lose custody toan anony- mous father. _ “T don’t have the father’s name on the birth certificate. I honestly don’t know hisname.I got protected as wellasI could,” Cynthia says. For women with children from previous marriages, however, the ques- tion of custody is much more tenuous. Sheila left her five-year marriage pregnantthefirsttry. when her daughter was a year-and-a-half old. “My ex-husband was banking on the idea that I’d deny any involvement with women...a lot of lawyers I talked to said it’snotlegal touse the factofamother beingalesbian to deny custody,” shesays. Sheila decided to be completely Rite hie ee hte eee eee ee hee ee hee ee eee et oe tk ee ol i be dated, and that scares me_for her sake. It scares me if her world is telling her that her life doesn’t exist,” says Sheila. Then there are the grandparents: some find it difficult to accept their daugh- ter is a lesbian. For others, accepting a grandchild without a son-in-law can be evenmoreconfusing. A family’sanimosity open about her ee sexual preference, sexuality can affect which invalidated the way her child is her ex-husband’s treated, often with only evidence unhappy results. against her. “My father “1 said, never talks about ‘yes I’m involved my relationship with this woman, : with my partner at nowlet’stalk about lesbian mothers eg oe whether I’ma good fectly well what's parent’.” face paki on,” says tody ae vad discrimination es “When I oe > he De went to court. Bu ; nant, he wa if it hadn’t, her les- straight and lighted — then a Sate ilecied the lesbian howldidie” outcome. Cc it: Cynthia “The ommunifies says her partner classic one [the Dawns family has judges] use is the never really ac- excuse that the cepted her daugh- put through hel child, "We go there Rivey ‘society is for Christmas, and homophobic, so all the other kidsare we'll be being showered homophobic in court and not allow cus- with gifts, and Chloe’s just standing there. tody’,” Sheila says. That's going to get harder. They don’t “It all depends on the judge you _really see her as being Dawn’s child.” getand themood he —becauseit’susually To make up for support not forth- a he — is in, whether he is homophobic.” Sheila says the issue of custody is alsoaconcern whenrelationships between partners who have been co-parenting end — there are no provisions made in the courts to allow the non-biological parent the same rights givena heterosexual father or mother. “It’s never easy to go through a separation or a divorce, but at least (heterosexuals) have the courts. Our soci- ety does not recognize the non-biological parent as a parent. “In the end, the kid gets hurt the most,” says Sheila. When the courts make no provi- sions for lesbian parents, they must do it themselves. Ensuring thatthenon-biologi- cal mother hasa say over what happens to the child means the couple must make legal arrangements. Cynthia’s partner Dawn is the le- gal guardian of her daughter Chloe, and she has power of attorney as well. This means Dawncanmake decisions for Chloe if anything happens to her or Cynthia. But there are no court rules which guarantee Dawn’srighttosee Chloeshould the couple separate. “It’s scary. I could leave and cut offany visitation to Dawn. But we’vedone everything possible to make Dawn a legal guardian,” Cynthia says. “On the other hand, she’s been the breadwinner, and (should therelationship end) I couldn’t haveany financial support, either.” For the children of lesbian par- ents, the most difficult part can be dealing with homophobic attitudes among their friends and classmates, in the media, and in society at large. “Already she’s coming home with attitudes like you don’t marry people who are the same sex as you,” says Sheila. On television, and in the books her daughter Niamh is read at daycare, representations of lesbian families are vir- tually nonexistent. “Her family life is being invali- coming from their immediate families, les- bians often form a ‘chosen family’, a net- work of friends who support and under- stand each other. “One thing we're trying to do is keep a balance of people in our lives,” says Cynthia. Chloe spends time with a family with four kids, and with her parents’ gay male friends as well as with lesbians. Carrie says her children Joshua and Meghan are “definitely exposed tomy lifestyle. They go to the women’s coffeehouses, and I take them to women’s events.” Sheila says she would like to meet other lesbian moms with young kids, both for her and her daughter’s sake. Being exposed to various lifestyles and relationship options gives the kids a chance to decide for themselves what their own preferences are — an opportunity which combats homophobia by present- ing gay orlesbian relationshipsas perfectly normal choices. When Niamh, Chloe, Joshua and M get older, their par- ents hope they'll be able to stand up for themselves whatever their own choices and preferences may be. “I just hope for her she'll find a partner who'll treat her withrespectand be good to her,” says Sheila. “It’s all about understanding that you haveachoice. How canIdeny her the choice to have a boyfriend if I’m out here yelling about my right tobe with women?” Carrie wants to encourage her son to be with whoever he feels comfortable with. “What gender doesn’t really matter to me. I hope I'll be able to stress that,” she says. But for now, she has more pressing questions to answer. joshua and M are already asking Carrie why they don’t have a dad. “Usually I just say ‘that’s right, you don’t havea dad. You have two moms— aren’t you lucky?”