Sports July 2004 Colin Miley | hagbard @telus.net Where We Stand: A Canada Day Look at Canadian Sports Colin Miley Sports Editor _ Canada has long been internationally renowned for two things: the niceness of its citizens, and the toughness of its hockey players. But we are more than that. We are lacrosse. We are curling. We are three-down football and five- pin bowling. Nine tenths of our nation is freezing three quarters of the time, and that makes us proud. We have had the world’s fastest humans twice in the last 16 years. Okay, sure, one of them was a yellow-eyed, roid- rager with deltoids the size of PEI, but do you remember how you felt when Ben Johnson crossed the finish line in 9.79 seconds? The entire country stood and cheered, just as we buckled and felt much shame when the gold was later stripped for steroid abuse. We are a land of space, with more trees than people (barely). I just realized that I sound like one of those Molson Canadian commer- cials (Ack). The following is a compendium of Canadian sports, our successes and failures, as seen by me. Hockey: Where else could I start? The 1972 Summit Series is viewed by many as one of Canada’s finest hours. Not Canadian hockey’s finest hours, but “Canada’s” finest hours. If you are 28 | OtherPress Canadian, youve heard the words “Henderson took a wild stab at it and fell—here’s another shot at it—right in front...he scores! Henderson!” | recently watched the DVD box set of all eight games. The Russians were clearly the more skilled team, and Bobby Clarke besmirched Canada’s good name when he broke Valeri Kharlamov’s ankle with a vicious two- handed slash. Kharlamov was the best player on either team for most of the series, and things may well have gone differently had Clarke not assaulted him. Still, 32 years later, I swelled with pride as I watched the Canadian team battle back to win the series. Phil Esposito was an absolute warrior. Canada has more players in the NHL than any other nation. Those players are all tough, skilled, and understand that they've got to “keep banging,” or, “give it 110 percent,” or, “take the body.” Our Women’s team is crazy good too. We rule at hockey. Curling: Canadian teams are perennial favorites at any and all World Curling Championships. Now, I’m all for a good bonspiel, but I get the feeling that Canada is basi- cally the only country that really tries at curling. Still, I believe that it is a uniquely Canadian thing to get all fired up any time somebody yells “sweep,” or “hurry hard.” Those terms are as Canadian as a double double from Tim Ho's. Plus, Randy Ferbey and Kelly Law both have wicked names, eh? Running really fast: I’ve already covered the national shame we suf- fered after Ben Johnson was stripped of his gold at the Seoul Olympics in 1988. Can we collectively forgive Ben now that four of the top five finishers from that race (Johnson, Carl Lewis, Linford Christie, and Dennis Mitchell) are all proven juicers? It would be the Canadian (read: nice) thing to do. Donovan Bailey never got caught, and he was the bomb throughout the 90s. Johnson and Bailey are transplanted Canadians, both having been born in Jamaica and immigrated to Canada. Maybe Jamaicans are the ones that actually rule at running really fast? Naw, but now that we lack a bona fide men’s threat, sprinting has fallen from the national spotlight. That’s okay though, because Track and Field kinda sucks anyway. Except long dis- tance running. That's really, really hard. Football: The CFL is damn excit- ing. Where else can you see football played on a field that is as wide as an airstrip, and as long as Canada’s win- ter? The huge field, coupled with the fact that you only get three downs to get a first down, makes for more pass- ing and excitement. Sure, the US views the CFL as a league for wannabes and has-beens, but who cares? We know it rules, and unlike American football, it’s actually possi- ble to take your kids to a game with- out having to apply for a loan. And the Grey Cup is a way better looking trophy than the Vince Lombardi Trophy (aka the Super Bowl). On the down side, American college football kicks ass on the CIS. Basketball: Although we like to remember that basketball’s inventor was Canadian (Dr. James Naismith), we suck at basketball. Our best play- er, Steve Nash, is an undersized white point guard. “Nuff said. We suck at basketball. Baseball: We have the Expos and Bluejays. The Jays did win back-to- back championships in the 90s, but none of the key contributors were Canadian (was Rance Mulliniks Canadian?). Ferguson Jenkins, Larry Walker, and Eric Gagne are about as good as it gets for us. The Expos are going to move soon, leaving the Jays as our lone major league Canadian representative. And Toronto is nine tenths American anyway. Toronto sucks worse than Canada does at baseball and basketball combined. Auto Racing: We have Paul Tracy, Jacques Villeneuve, and Alex Tagliani, among others, at the top of the racing world. Big deal. Car racing is not a sport. They're driving cars for Christ’s sake. Throwing bocce takes more skill. ) Bingo: Although technically also not a sport, we are wicked good at bingo. Every Canadian town has at least one bingo night per week, and most have a bingo hall. If you're won- dering why bingo is on this list, try playing six cards at once. Old ladies and chain-smoking drunks rule the bingo scene. It’s got its own language (that I don’t understand), and even the kids love it. You don’t hear them going around saying, “there was a dog that had a name, and ‘Auto Racing’ was its name-o,” do you? It’s Bingo, baby. Bingo was his name-o. Boxing: Lennox Lewis screwed all of Canada over when he changed his citizenship to British. That leaves George Chevalo as our greatest fight- er. Or maybe Willie Pep. Or, was it Donny “The Golden Boy” Lalonde? Aurturo Gatti? Again, we suck at box- ing. Wrestling: Two words, Daniel Igali. We rule. Plus, Canadians rule the WWE. Here in Canada we have universal medical coverage, gay marriage rights, and we don't put people in jail for smoking pot. There are too many rea- sons “Why Canada Rules” to men- tion here. Outside of hockey, curling, and bingo, though, sports ain't really one of ’em. Happy Canada Day.