Desperate Movie Studios to
Rape Your Childhood

By “Salty” Liam Britten

LOS ANGELES, CA — After a
summer filled with blockbuster movies
such as Spiderman 3, Transformers,
and Fantastic Four: The Rise of the
Silver Surfer, the big six Hollywood
studios, Sony, Disney, Fox, Paramount,
Universal, and Time-Warner made a
united statement today declaring that
they will no longer make any movies
that are not based on your cherished
childhood memories.

“Look, times are tough for
Hollywood,” said Barry M. Meyer,
CEO of Warner Bros. Pictures, “and
quite frankly, when you're only
making $46 billion a year, you simply
do not have the resources to invest in
new, creative thought. That’s why we
have decided that from now on, your
childhood will be our bitch.”

“The plan for raping your childhood
is simple,” said Disney CEO Robert
Iger. “We feel that your childhood
would probably not give itself up
willingly, so it could turn violent,
which is okay with us, because quite
frankly, that would make a good movie
in itself. After we gain unwholesome

knowledge of your childhood, we will
release our products on its face; and by
products, I mean motion pictures. After
this is completed, we will leave your
childhood naked, alone and in the cold,
feeling like a disgusting victim.

The plan for upcoming movies
produced after raping your childhood
mainly calls for action movies based
on innocuous ‘80s cartoons, such as
the upcoming He-Man 2008, which
will feature He-Man in violent streets
of New York, fighting crime from
Greyskull Precinct, and dealing with the
trauma he suffered in the Iraq War. His
wacky new sidekick will be played by
Chris Tucker.

2008 will also see a Care Bears
trilogy with Lord of the Rings-style
mass battle scenes, and 2009 will see
the release of a ThunderCats film
dealing with teen pregnancy and violent
torture.

 

 

 

 

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