Amanda Aikman, Correspondent to Norway

ollowing his sensational press
} conference on March 20, 2005,

wherein Dr. Drew
Krugenhoffer claimed that the country of
Norway is actually an elaborate govern-
ment cover up—that it does not, in fact,
exist—I had an opportunity to meet with
the formerly respected American scienti-
cian to discuss his controversial findings.
What follows is an excerpt from our con-
versation together. Unfortunately, due to
the sensitive nature of national security in
the US, some content may have been edit-
ed or removed by the CIA.

OP: So, Dr Krugenhoffer, let me get this
straight...you are claiming that the country
of Norway does not exist?

DE: Yes, that is correct.

OP: But, isn’t that a little...uh, insane? I
mean, obviously Norway does exist.
DK: Does it? Have you ever been to
Norway?
OP: Well, o, but...
DK: Aha! So you have no proof that it
does exist, and yet you have the gall to
doubt me when I say it doesn’t.

The truth is that the so-called country
of “Norway” is nothing but a figment of

16 | www.theotherpress.ca

 

the international imagination, created by
the US government.

This situation is not without prece-
dent. For centuries Christians have tried
to convince people of the existence of
Heaven and Hell in order to gain influ-
ence and justify their own “indiscretions.”
The US government wanted to emulate
this Machiavellian tactic, but they were
discouraged by the limited success rate of
the churches. Eventually, they realized
that, while people had trouble believing in
winged angels and horned demons, they
would have little difficulty believing in a
far-off country full of pale, lutefisk-eat-
ing, drunken Vikings who talked funny
and liked to ski. And so, the concept of
“Norway” was created.

OP: But it’s not like Norway is in some
top-secret location. I mean—it’s in
Scandinavia, people vacation there all the
time. What would happen if I went to the
airport right now and got on a plane to
Norway?

DK: Well, naturally every airport and air-
line is staffed with several CIA operatives
who would attempt to dissuade you from
traveling to “Norway.” They usually do
this by claiming your flight has been over-

-Scientician Claims Norway Does Not Exist

booked, or that weather conditions in
“Norway” are too dangerous to fly into,
or that your plane is experiencing
mechanical failures that prevent you from
embarking. If these stall tactics do not
prevail, “Norway”-bound passengers are
drugged and flown to a top-secret military
base outside of Northfield, Minnesota,
where they spend their allotted vacation
time pumped full of mescaline in an air-
port hangar built to resemble “Norway.”

OP: But what is it the government is try-
ing to cover up? What possible reason
would they have for creating a fictional
country named Norway in the first place?
DK: Aliens.

OP: Aliens? That’s it—just “aliens?”
What do aliens have to do with anything?
DK: Oh, you are so naive. Obviously,
“Norway” is the codename for the alien
life-form research project initiated by the
US government.

OP: Obviously?

DK: Yes, obviously! What’s wrong with
you people? Am I the only one who can
see what’s really going on here?

OP: That’s a good question. Has anyone
else in the scientific community con-
curred with your findings?

DK: Oh, there are many, I assure you. But
they are all too afraid to come forth pub-
licly and admit it. The US government can
be a frightening opponent to take on. But
there are people in other circles who sup-
port my theory. Take David Lynch, for
example.

OP: The filmmaker?

DK: Yes, the filmmaker. Through his
work, Mr. Lynch has repeatedly attempted
to communicate with alien forces, signal-
ing to them that it is safe to invade earth.
Of course, he had to be covert in his
actions to avoid government reprisal, but
those of us “in the know” were aware of
what he was doing. For example, in the
1990 pilot episode of the television pro-
gram Twin Peaks, “the Norwegians” were
welcomed to the Great Northern Hotel,
and then, later in the same episode the
character of “Julie the secretary” was
heard to exclaim repeatedly, “The
Norwegians are leaving! The Norwegians
are leaving!” Obviously, this dialogue was
code to the aliens that although the earth
had seemed like it wouldn’t resist an inva-
sion, things had changed and they should
stay away.

Then, in the 1992 film Twin Peaks: Fire
Walk with Me, the character of Leland
Palmer explained to his family, “the
Norwegians are coming in next week” —
another obvious transmission to alien

 

factions, this time signaling that an immi-
nent invasion would be likely to succeed.

OP: And was there an alien invasion in
1992?

DK: Yes, there was. But the government
distracted the public by creating a diver-
sion with the Los Angeles riots.

OP: But I thought those riots were insti-
gated by the verdict in the Rodney King
trial?

DK: Oh, you are so naive.

OP: Whatever. Tell me this then, if
Norway does not exist, how do you
explain the existence of such celebrated
Norwegians as Leif Ericson, Henrik
Ibsen, and Edvard Munch?

DK: They are aliens.

OP: Seriously.

DK: Yes, seriously.

OP: Tell me, Dr. Krugenhoffer, how was
it that you came to discover the non-exis-
tence of Norway in the first place?

DK: I first suspected that “Norway” was
a government-created cover-up for alien
research in 1986. I returned home from
my lab one evening in June to find my
wife had disappeared. I discovered a note
that said she was leaving me to move to
Norway with Ansgar Seljelid from her
herring-pickling class. I knew my wife
would never really abandon me, and so
there was only one logical explanation:
she had been abducted by aliens and the
US government was conspiring with them
to keep the truth from me.

But it didn’t work. They may have
taken my wife and my professional credi-
bility—but there’s one thing they'll never
be able to take from me: the truth.

OP: What would you say to critics who
claim this whole “Norway-is-fake” theory
of yours is merely a delusion that you
insist on perpetuating as a means of
avoiding the fact that your wife ditched
you for a Norwegian guy?

DK: I'd say that those critics are obvious-
ly government agents attempting to
publicly discredit my theory and divert
attention from the government’s under-
handed dealings with alien races.

I know how this might look to people,
but believe me, I am not crazy. This is
nothing like the time my first wife left me
and I claimed that Edmonton was really a
secret, underground Sasquatch-breeding
facility. I admit, I was a little off base on
that one—but this time it’s true. No mat-
ter what those crafty, so-called
“Norwegians” tell you.

March 30/2005