humour / 22 Opinions of a five-year-old: » Bath-time blues Julia Siedlanowska Staff Writer aths are ruining my life. Not only do they take up valuable time that could be spent playing with my dog or watching Pink Panther cartoons, they always mean bedtime. It’s really frustrating. When I spend a lot of my day designing a multi-coloured tattoo on my hand, I don’t do it to rub it off at the end of the day. When I get ice cream in my hair, I’m like, I don’t care—I was just saving that for later. Seriously, when mom washes my hair I’m always like “What the f***? Hello! You're getting that soapy sh** in my eyes!” No matter how many times she says, “Stop freaking out, youre just going to make it worse,’ I always just think... yeah, well... you always say it’s : not going to hurt my eyes, but : it does every time! Also, I can’t even pee when I'm in the tub. And mom thinks : it’s really gross when I drink : the tub water. “All your dirt is : in there! I said stop swallowing : the water!” But why? It feels really good and it’s my dirt. It’s so weird that I don’t : like baths though, because : when it’s over, I’m really pissed. : | don’t want to get out. Just : when I start having fun and my mother stops torturing me, : she says it’s time to leave. Then : she puts the blow-dryer on my : head and it’s like screaming in : my ears. Then she tries to rip : out my hair with a brush. Hair : is weird. One time my dad left the : room—‘Just for a second,” he : said—to answer the phone. He : told me not to move, but I got : kind of bored and then I took : the blow-dryer to play with. : When my dad came back in : and saw me, he dropped the : phone and grabbed the blow- : dryer. It was funny. His eyes got : big. Then he told me not to tell ; mommy about the grown-up : words he said. [ hate it how selective my : parents are about the toys I : bring in and what I do. I’m like : a bad guy being watched in : jail or something. Why can’t : I fool around in the bathtub? : If I want to stand on top of a : shampoo bottle and a soap : dish, I think I should be : allowed to. And when mom : yells, “Don’t do that, you'll fall : and crack your skull open and : we'll have to wake up your sister : and take you to the hospital,” : 7m just like, “Mom...” Mom says that animals : help each other get clean. So : one time me and my sister were : about to get into the bath and : I sawa bug in her hair. I just : ate it and then mom started : screaming. It was really weird : and rules are dumb. But bath : time is kind of ok. Spaceman & Chet By Elliot Chan The Secret Hemonyms is context... ao OR “Never give vp on a to Understand 3 Gad ae Such as “Bass Players aren't s rea| And “Chean vp Ofte your Seaman” musicians — Yes! Yes! Som thing -. Something ve PoopdécK > etc. theotherpress.ca » ‘Hermione Granger and the young couple's dilemma Elliot Chan Opinions Editor M opinions @theotherpress.ca Re studies done by tatistics of Canada, BuzzzFeed, and teen-fiction fanatic Wilson McMichael’s Survey Monkey page have shown that four out of five of 18-30 have engaged in the “Emma Watson Talk.” “Sexy Watson,” best-known for her role as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series, has been the centre of conversation for millions of crazy attractive and legal in the last few Harry Potter movies. Boyfriends and girlfriends across the globe are eager to know what their partner would were to consent to a threesome with the pair. Along with questions such as “Do you want children,” “Are you prepared for the future financially,” and “Why do you keep texting your ex,” couples want to be certain at the early stages that their committed relationship is not hindering their chances with arise. “If we've learned anything from the Prisoner of Azkaban, nothing is impossible,” said Paddy Schwartz, age 23 and in a serious relationship. “My boyfriend, James, and I need to want to be slapping ourselves for imposing a promise that neither of us can keep. I mean, a relationship is all about trust let Emma have her way with us. Serious!” According to the study, the desirability for Watson is 85 per cent higher than Orlando Bloom, 72 per cent higher than Justin Bieber, and 26 per cent higher than Peter Dinklage when it comes to being the third member of a threesome. : Such clear facts are causing : some people to worry that : Watson might be the reason : some relationships end. “I would not let my boyfriend near Emma Watson,” : said Heather Gatton. “She’s smart, beautiful, and an all- : round great person—my : boyfriend does not deserve her, and neither do I. We are : doomed for each other, and young couples between the ages = that’s final” Meanwhile, others believe that the Emma Watson Talk : serves as a great relationship : test for many couples. Psychologist Dr. Joan Ramon, a leader in couples’ : ° : : therapy said: “If a couple millennials, ever since she got so : disagrees on the Emma Watson Talk, then it’s a clear sign that : the relationship will not work : out in the long run. And if the : man declares that he does not : : want to engage in a threesome do if the beloved Emma Watson : with his girlfriend and Emma Watson, then another red flag : israised. Of course there are ; many variables in the studies : and further research is needed. : Perhaps the boyfriend is simply : more of an Emilia Clarke kind : of guy. That’s okay. But be : cautious, ladies, you can’t really ; trust anyone who has a negative _ answer in regards to the Emma Watson, should the opportunity ? Watson Talk. It’s science—not : magic.” Many experts agree that should Emma Watson apparate : in front of you and your : significant other with the use : of Floo Powder, engaging in : . _ coitus is a must. However, those keep our options open. We don’t experts also encourage couples : to come to that conclusion for themselves. “There are many perks to : being a wallflower,’ said Dr. and honesty. We would honestly : pamén, “but you don’t want to stand idly by while Emma : Watson disappears again. I : mean, let’s be serious, youre not a Rupert Grint, are you?” When asked about this phenomenon, Ms. Watson : claimed she was flattered, but : wouldn't offer a quote. Damn, : she’s classy!