issue 27 // volume 40

NHL Jam? A season explained

» Linden reveals star Canucks’ talents were actually just stolen by aliens

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor

™M humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

na surprise press conference
held late last night, former

Vancouver Canucks team
captain-turned-new-President
Trevor Linden revealed the
answer behind the Canucks’
terrible 2013/14 NHL season
performance: a band of criminal
aliens stole the hockey-playing
powers of key players in an
elaborate scheme to get Looney
Tunes cartoon characters to work
at an outer space theme park.

“Here’s what happened,”
explained Linden, using
storyboard sketches to illustrate
the complex narrative. “These
bad-guy aliens tried to kidnap
the Looney Tunes, but then
Bugs Bunny challenged them
to a hockey game in exchange
for their freedom. The aliens
agreed to the game, but then
cunningly came to earth and
stole the hockey prowess from
what was—at the time—one of
the best team’s in the league: the
Vancouver Canucks.”

According to Linden,
the aliens stole the powers of
otherwise-fantastic players
including Alex Burrows, Jason
Garrison, Jannik Hansen, Alex
Edler, and not one, but two,
Sedin twins by using a magic
hockey stick to suck up their
talent.

“Tt really put the Canucks in

a terrible position to win games, : the new President of Hockey

: Operations for the Canucks.

explained Linden.

Indeed, many Vancouver
fans were puzzled by the
incredibly disappointing
performance of their team this
season. When the Canucks
failed to even qualify for the
Stanley Cup playoffs, some fans
sensed that something might be
amiss.

According to
Linden, the aliens
stole the powers of
otherwise-fantastic
players including
Alex Burrows, Jason
Garrison, Jannik
Hansen, Alex Edler,
and not one, but two,
Sedin twins...

“T mean, how could an elite

: team just suddenly start sucking
: so bad? I knew it must have had
: something to do with evil aliens
: and not just poor management

: and playing,” exclaimed long-

: time fan, Bruce Spruce III.

Luckily for the next season,

: Trevor Linden is truly a hero and
: has saved the day.

“In response to the

: aliens, the Looney Tunes then

: kidnapped me from where I

: was happily retired from the

: game, helping people get fit with
: my affordable gym franchise.

: I taught the Tunes how to

: play good so we won the space

: game—and the aliens had to

: return the players’ powers. So

: yeah. The ’Nucks should totally
: be better next year,” said Linden.

The bright side to all these

: shenanigans? Linden is back.

“After all the Space Jammin’,

I decided I really did want to
: be involved in hockey again,”
: explained Linden.

As of April 9, Linden is

‘I can tell you one thing

: about my Presidency—there
: will be a zero tolerance policy for
: alien invasions,” said Linden.

With Linden watching out

: for alien shenanigans, sports
: fans are expecting the Canucks
: to win the Cup next year.

“They better...,” said Spruce,

: “or we'll totally riot over it.”

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ERP AT OLYAUAN DL

humour // 21

 

By Joel McCarthy

 

 

 

 

(— >
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Did you eat your vegetables today?
» New mothering app fills role of mom for adult kids that forget to call home
: new “Mama sez” appreleased _: wasting your money on silly
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