Pyromaniac Makes Effort
to Cutback Greenhouse
Gas Production

By “Salty” Liam Britten

ABBOTSFORD, BC—On
probation for several arsons
in the late 90’s, pyromaniac
Ed Timmons has made a
new commitment to stop
destroying buildings by fire,
citing the output of greenhouse
gases as his main reason.

“Let's. face. it, 7the
earth isn’t getting any cooler,”
Timmons said. “And I mean,
we all have to do our part
to stop the warming. And
I guess since I started all
those apartment fires a few
years ago, I have a little more
responsibility than others.”

Timmons was
released from a mental hospital
in 2004, after lighting several
apartment buildings on fire
in the years between 1997
and 1999. But his new eco-
consciousness is not a surprise

to those who know him well.

“Eddy is always
so considerate, so I’m _ not
surprised he’s become an
environmentalist,” revealed
Sara Moore, his girlfriend of
several years. “Even when we
broke up after he got off of his
medications and tried to kill me,
he was only doing it because he
was concerned for me. ‘I have
to kill you or the aliens on TV
will make it even worse for
you,’ he told me. He’s so sweet.”

In a conversation with
The Other Press, Timmons
revealed that he had been
doing a great deal of reading
on the subject of environmental
stewardship while in asylum, as
he believed they were the only
books that the Green Giant
hadn’t altered to contain lies.

“I started reading

some David Suzuki, and it
really opened my eyes,” he
said. “I mean, did you know
that unless we stop global
warming soon, the Arctic
could be ice-free by 2040?
Thast’s really serious. You
aren’t from the CIA, are you?”

Timmons is optimistic
about his ability to change
his ways, and hopes to be
an activist for conservation.
“T don’t think I’m_ wholly
responsible for the fires I’ve
set, it was mostly the voices,”
he confessed “But since I’ve
been on these new meds, all I
hear in my head is the beautiful
chirping of birds in a happy
forest. And according to them,
I have to kill John Edwards or
the birds will hurt me.”

 

January 28, 2008

 

 

 

TOP 5 RECOMMENDATIONS

FROM THE MANLEY REPORT

 

Last week, former Liberal cabinet minister John Manley released the
final report from his panel charged with reviewing the Afghanistan

mission. What were some of his recommendations?

Dacca ens Ask Germany to double their forces by sending a second
soldier.

Bouts Try ignoring the Taliban, maybe they’ll go away.

Siecesst Instead of joining ISAF, Canada will stick to IHOP.

Desecccsssass From now on, whenever Canada takes part in an indiscriminate

bombing mission that kills dozens of innocent civilians,
a heartfelt apology and fruit basket will be offered to the

survivors.

| eres Recoup costs of mission by selling Afghan heroin on the streets

of Vancouver. Seriously, that shit is the bomb.

 

solution, tips and computer
programs at www.sudoku.com

SU

do

ku

© Puzzles by Pappocom

 

9

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6

 

4

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TOP 5 REASONS TO

TRAVEL BACK IN TIME

Mankind has long considered the possibility of visiting times past. What

 

are some of the times we would visit if we had the power?

Sc 1979 AD: To have sex with Debbie Harry from Blondie back
when she was still pretty hot.

. eee 1979 AD: To go back to when you were still in 1979 and having
sex with Debbie Harry so you can join in with yourself and tag
team her.

itt 48 BC: To go to Ancient Egypt and kidnap Cleopatra.

Dre scttet te, 1979 AD: To go back to when two versions of yourself are

having sex with Debbie Harry, then drop off Cleopatra in the

Oo

 

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8

6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

o

 

 

 

 

HARD #5

Fill in the grid so that every
row, every column and every
3x3 box contains the digits 1
through 9. That means that no

orgy. And then join in the gang bang one more time. number is repeated in any row,
Ee aet 2008 AD: Return to the present and sell the tape you secretly column of box.

made of three versions of yourself, Debbie Harry and Cleopatra

all getting it on together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION
6.8 5]1'2 719/34
1,:7,'316'4 918 (2/5
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