Shis issue: ( Pipeline work stalled by curious critter (Y Bared on the Beach (Y Pun, 2,3 And more! Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor 4 humour@theotherpress.ca www.theotherpress.ca Advice for those too incompetent to live their own lives » Stupid questions, intelligent answers =) Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer ear Cazzy: Recently when refurbishing my basement to become a home office and setting up space for two filing cabinets, I accidentally unleashed a portal to Hell. Ethereal demons, sulfur and brimstone, and the wails of tortured souls are now haunting our basement 24/7. Would you recommend a double-sized filing cabinet or two smaller sized? It’s important they’re made of steel, as the aluminum is constantly burnt by the expulsion of Satan’s breath. We're storing thousands of important government documents. — Concerned Bureaucrat First of all, I’d like to say that working in a home office that : less Hell than a standard office : workplace. Congratulations on : setting up what most people are : : too weak/insane/cheap todo. — : As for the important : elements of your question, : may I suggest saving space : and money by simply stacking : the documents on top of each : other? Any papers accidentally : destroyed by hellfire mean : nothing compared to the : money and time you'll save : from working at home. : Dear Cazzy: I’m going on : a date tomorrow and I’ve : come to realize she’s actually : aspy for an intergalactic : lizard army. Her plot is : to exploit me for Earth : secrets and report back to : the Commander, enslaving : humanity for thousands of : years to come. What restaurants do : you recommend to suit the : unique cultural palate of my : new girlfriend? I was looking : : fora place that served : ae: mealworms and cockroaches, : happens to be literal Hell is still : : : but McDonald’s doesn’t seem : likeavery fancy spot fora date. Also, do you happen to : know the nuclear launch : codes and vital government : passwords needed to : exterminate the human race? : My girlfriend was wondering : for some reason. - Alien to Dating : McDonald's is absolutely too : unappealing for the first date. : I'm not too familiar with what : lizard soldiers eat, but it seems : like your best bet would be your : local Quiznos. The nuclear launch : codes are easily accessible : using Google: the passwords : are “1234” and “password.” : Gotta love that Freedom of : Information Act. I for one welcome our new lizard overlords. I’d like to : remind them that as a trusted : journalist personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to : toil in their underground rock Caves. Photo by thinkstock Now that everyone hates Comic Sans, which font should we all gang up on next? » Select minutes from the Typographic Secret Society 2014 Annual General Meeting Jacey Gibb The Peak (NUW) D Ff off, I'd like to congratulate everyone on doing a stellar job. Without your unrelenting disdain and vocal opposition, Comic Sans wouldn't be the almost- universally hated font that it is today. I remember how some of you were worried when that curvy young whippersnapper came onto the scene back in ‘94. “All of our favourite fonts are done for,” some of you panicked. “It’s casual but fun, and works with almost every kind of situation. How will they ever compete?!” Can you remember what I said that day? “We will make it through : this. Because we are the : Typographic Secret Society, and : we never give up.” : wouldn't be the internationally Ostracizing Comic Sans was : : ask ourselves: What font are : the most successful propaganda : blitz we’ve run since Wingdings. : : Convincing people that these : nonsensical hieroglyphs left : behind bya now dead-and- : gone alien civilization were : deserving of their own font was : both hilarious and brilliant. A : skull and crossbones standing Coe : for an “n”? No one else in the : world would think to come up : with this stuff. It’s genius—or : should I say yevwo, if you catch : my drift. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: thank you : all for your hard work and : dedication. Without it, the : Typographical Secret Society successful organization it is : today. Okay, now we need to we going to pummel into the : ground next? I know that some of you : are still wondering why we had : to knock Comic Sans down so : many pegs. I had someone ask : me if we'd been a bit too harsh : on the font, but let’s remember : the whole mission statement : of our secret society: to : protect, curate, and dictate the : typography world for the rest of : : the design-impaired population : and for future typography : enthusiasts. What do you mean, maybe we shouldn't gang up on any : font? Do you realize how crazy : that sounds?! Without one font : : out there attracting all of the : negative attention, being the : butt of every typography joke : and acting as a go-to for moms : just learning how to navigate : Microsoft Word, people won't : know where to direct their : slander. Font hatred would : become anarchy; people would : start developing original, more : objective opinions about fonts: : that maybe aren't Comic Sans or : : whatever other campy font we : decide to throw under the bus. : There’s a natural order to the typography world and it is our duty to preserve it. No one is more passionate about fonts than us. People are : going to hate whatever font we : want them to hate. Now, I know were not Ostracizing Comic Sans was the most successful propaganda blitz we've run since Wingdings. : deciding on which new font : to bully until next month's : meeting, but I would personally : like to put forward Tahoma for : consideration. It has everything : we're looking for: no one’s : crazy about it in the first place, : it’s ugly, and the name sounds : like an accidentally racist alias : Homer Simpson would come up : with. It’s perfect.