issue 04 / volume 41

Post-apocalyptic fantasy picks

» Who would you choose to survive with you when it’s all over?

Elliot Chan
Opinions Editor
M opinions
@theotherpress.ca

 

I: moments before the end
of the world and you have
a shelter large enough to fit
five people. That means now
is the time to draft your top
picks. These elite individuals
will help you survive ona
planet that is no longer safe
for humans or celebrities.
Zombies, earthquakes, and
rival survivors are coming for
you, so you better make the
right choice. Here are mine:
Brad Pitt: If you don't
take Brad Pitt right away,
lord knows your competitors
will. Don’t wait! Draft Pitt as
early as possible. Not only is
he the perfect specimen of a
Caucasian male, he also proves
to be a game changer in post-
apocalyptic scenarios (source:
World War Z). There are two
rules when the world ends.
Number one: you don’t talk

you draft Brad Pitt first!
Jennifer Lawrence:

Why is Jennifer Lawrence my

second pick? She’s not only

a radiant superstar, but she’s

also a super survivor. We

saw her survive the Hunger

Games. We saw her survive

a leaked-photo controversy.

: We saw her survive her climb

: up the Dolby Theatre stage to
: retrieve her Academy award.

: Moreover, Lawrence is totally
: a perfect candidate for any

: post-apocalyptic reproduction
: initiatives.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:

: In modern times, Arnold is

: arguably the most successful

: human being in the world.

: He’s a bodybuilder; he’s a

: politician. He has several

: memorable catchphrases; he

: has an illegitimate family.

: There isn’t anything the

: Terminator hasn’t done and

: there isn’t anything he can’t

: do—except for enunciating

: words properly. I’ll grab Arnold
: as early as possible, because if

: you don’t, you can say: “hasta la :
: vista, baby” to your chances of
: surviving.

Les Stroud

: (Survivorman): I know you

: might go camping occasionally
: and think of yourself as a

: Wildman, but let’s be honest,

: sooner or later you'll need

: some help. Picking Les Stroud
about Fight Club. Number two: : will not only guarantee a good

: honest living off of natural

: resources, you'll also have

: terrific home video of your

: post-apocalyptic experience,

: which you can then share with
: your grandchildren and in-

: laws during family dinners and
: holidays.

Seth Rogen: Think of

: the most ideal person to be

: with during the end of the

: world, and Seth Rogen will

: naturally come to mind. Not

: only will he give you are reason
: to live with his mirth-filled,

: bellowing laughter, he'll also

: transcend composure with his
: stoner demeanour. Just ask

: Jay Baruchel who he wants to

: listen to Backstreet Boys in

: heaven with, and you'll know

: that everybody—including

: Baruchel—wants it to be Seth

: Rogen. So don’t hesitate, he

: might not seem to bea priority
: pick, but believe me, he is.

And for the Wild Card, I

choose Will Smith. Although
: he was disappointing in the

ominously titled M. Night

: Shyamalan movie After Earth,
: he is still a formidable choice
: because of two things: his

: resiliency in !Am Legend and
: his drive in The Pursuit of

: Happyness. Plus it’s totally a

: race, equality thing. You don’t
: want to live in a weird secular
: world, right?

Well those were my

: top five picks and one wild

: card to survive with me in

: the post-apocalyptic world.

: Sorry if you're not included.

: Remember, it’s every man for

: himself, and every man needs a
: Seth Rogen, so good luck! Meet
: you at Terminus.

 

humour // 21

 

Veggies are not that great

» Opinions of a five-year-old carnivore

Patrick Vaillancourt
Columnist

 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

love to eat. Eating has to be
one of my favourite things
in the whole world. It’s not the
same as playing video games
or watching cartoons, but it’s
up there. But lately, Mommy
has been trying to ruin the
experience for me.
She keeps telling me
to eat the vegetables
on my plate, even
if I don’t like
them. I don’t
understand

: why she makes me eat them.

: Mommy and Daddy don’t do

: things they don’t like to do,

: yet they make me eat these

: gross things. Carrots, spinach,
: cabbage—all of them get a

: great big “ewww” in my book.

Mommy says that I need to

: eat them to get big and strong,
: but that’s what milk is for. I

: like milk. Breakfast is the only
: time Mommy doesn’t make me
: eat veggies, so it has become

: my favourite meal of the day.

: I can eat any kind of cereal I

: want. Mommy buys me both

: Lucky Charms and Captain

: Crunch and I love to drink the
: milk from the bowl when all

: the cereal is gone. Sometimes,

I put some chocolate syrup
in the milk to make it a
super special breakfast.
Mommy makes
no sense sometimes,
She says I have to eat
my vegetables, and
when I don’t, she tells

: me that I can’t have ice cream

: for dessert. But if she really

: wanted me to get big and

: strong, she'd still give me ice
: cream—it’s made of milk, after :
: all.

It doesn’t make any

: sense. Mommy isn’t very big

: or strong, but she eats her

: disgusting vegetables. I think
: she might need to drink more
: milk. Daddy’s kind of strong,

: but he doesn’t eat vegetables.

: He once told me that he gets

: superhuman strength from the }
: “wobbly pop” I’m not supposed }
: to drink.

Mommy says that there

are some people who only eat

: vegetables, but I think she is

: just lying. She says they are

: called “vegetarians,” but surely
: those types can’t exist. Only

: vegetables?! How laughable.

: Only cows and horses eat just

: vegetables—and I’m not even

: sure that grass is a vegetable.

Dinnertime is the worst.

Mommy usually makes
: meat with some potatoes

: and veggies. I like the meat
: and the potatoes, but then
: she has to give me carrots

and green beans. I eat the

: potatoes though—aren’t they

: vegetables too? When I don’t

: eat everything on my plate,

: she tries to guilt me by telling
: me to think of kids in some

: place called Africa. Well, if

: they love vegetables so much,

: maybe Mommy can mail mine
: to them.

The best dinners are when
we go to the restaurant. I

: like pizza, but Mommy tries

: to ruin that too. I just want

: plain pepperoni and cheese,

: but she wants to have green

: peppers and onions on it. Why
: would someone want to ruina
: perfectly good pizza?

I’m starting to think that

life is going to be hard. I had

: a good thing going before

: Mommy made me start eating
: vegetables; now all I see is
broccoli in my future.