Geé Paul, Thanks

As a show of his determination to end Western
Alienation, Prime Minister Paul Martin brought his
cabinet ministers to Kelowna’s Lake Okanagan Resort
last week for a two-day meeting. They discussed

 

strategies for healthcare reform and foreign policy.

Martin hinted that there may be more money for
the provinces than originally expected. “There’s no
doubt that the Canadian economy has been doing
very well,’ Martin told reporters on Tuesday. “That
should be reflected in the national accounts and it also
should be reflected in the provincial accounts.”

Opposition MPs were skeptical of Martin’s inten-
tions. “It takes a minority (government) to force them
to come out,’ BC Conservative MP John Reynolds
told the Globe and Mail. After the meeting, the minis-
ters traveled around BC to raise the profile of the
Liberal Party in a province traditionally ignored by
Ottawa.

At the end of meetings on Wednesday, Martin was
to hold a press conference on the lakeshore, hammet-
ing home the subtle point of “See? I’m here. What
more do you hippies want from me?” However, noisy
protests from striking members of the Public Service
Alliance of Canada (PSAC) union disrupted plans for
a more scenic sound bite, forcing the PM to scramble
and relocate the podium no more than four times.
PSAC represents Canada Revenue Agency employees
who are disgruntled over working conditions. Talks
with the government broke down on Tuesday night,
resulting in nation-wide rotating strikes, the first of
which target Martin in Kelowna.

So thanks Paul. There’s nothing we BC’ers love
more than a token appearance to taunt you with. We
haven’t been this stoked since N’Sync came to town.

News Wears Short Shorts

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

War on Hypocrisy

A rift between Russia and the Western world is being
exacerbated by the “double standard” policies of the
American and British governments, according to
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov:

This comes after the tragic events in the Russian
town of Beslan, where Chechen rebels held over
1,000 hostages for three days before a Russian assault
ended with the death of 30 rebels and 335 hostages.
One week earlier, two jetliners crashed within three
minutes of each other, victims of two female suicide
bombers known affectionately as “Black Widows,”
the wives of Chechen rebels killed by Russian forces.

Russia has been fighting Muslim rebels in the state
of Chechnya for 10 years now in what it has termed
as its own “War on Terror.” This fight has been open-
ly denounced by the United States in the past, an
ageravating factor in Russia’s decision not to support
the American-led War in Iraq.

President Vladimir Putin has accused prominent
Chechen separatist leader Aslan Maskhadov and rebel
commander Shamil Basavev as being the culprits
behind the recent attacks. Maskhadov has denied this

 

charge; Basavev has not. Two of Maskhadov’s key
representatives have received asylum from the US and
British governments who are both refusing extradi-
tion requests by the Kremlin. Strange, since President
George Duh-bleyoo Bush said he would take the War
on Terror to wherever the terrorists were.

Not to mitigate the tragedy of 335 murdered
hostages, 156 of whom were small children, but the
only war this world needs is a War on Hypocrisy.

Republicans All Warm and Fuzzy

In a well-orchestrated show of support for New York
and defiance for terror, the Republican National
Committee held their convention at Madison Square
Gardens from Aug 30 to Sept 2. Delegates from
around the US took their message of hope to the

streets—metaphorically of course—because the hal
million protesters outside would have ripped those
anal-retentive warmongers a new corn hole had th
dared to meet the public.

Over the four-day affair that culminated in W
coronation as Prom Queen, Republicans showed

 

softer, more inclusive side. If you were black, y¢
were featured prominently. If you were a woman, y«
were front and centre. If you were Arne
Schwarzenegger, you were the prize stud offeris
these reassuring words to those concerned abo
record deficits, millions of lost jobs, and bleak soc
security futures: “Don’t be economic girly-ma
Sometimes this shit writes itself.

The convention had a hopeful, humble, thought
and sometimes poignant message woven throughc
the speeches: If you vote for John Kerry, you will d

Democrat turncoat Zell Miller, the retiring Sena
from Georgia, gave a keynote address that lambast
his own party for being too soft and Kerry for bei
unfit to lead, asking rhetorically how the president
hopeful planned to defend the country: “With sp
balls?” This was a strange change of heart—eve
flip-flop, one might say—for Miller, who previou
described Kerry as “one of this nation’s authen
heroes, one of this party’s best-known and great¢
leaders, and a good friend.” Miller later challeng|
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews to an honest-to-God d
Seriously dudes, sometimes this shit really does j

write itself.

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