humour / 22 If famous romantic movie quotes were rewritten to b “hs, Jacey Gibb The Peak (NUW) oye: had meat stuffed crust.” “Here’s looking at you, Pizza : Garden.” “Dont forget: I’m just a girl, standing in front of a ham and pineapple pizza, asking it to love : her” “So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want pizza. I want all of the pizza, forever, me and it, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, 40 years from now. What’s it look like? If it’s without pizza, go. Go! I lost pizza once, I think I can do it again, if I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.” “But for now, let me say— : without hope or agenda, just : because it’s Christmas and at : Christmas you tell the truth—to : me, cheese melted on top of : heart will love pizza. Until it : looks like this [picture of a not- : so-tasty looking pizza]. Merry Christmas.” “I would rather share one container of ranch with you than : : face all the dippable sauces of : this world alone.” : “We'll always have : pepperoni.” : “I love that pizza gets cold : when it’s 71 degrees out. I love : that it takes me an hour and : a half to decide which kind to : order. I love that pizza gets a : little bubble in the crust when : it’s not baked just right. I love : that after I spend the day with : pizza, I can still smell its sauce : on my clothes. And I love that : it’s the last food I want to eat : before I go to sleep at night. And bread is perfect. And my wasted Breakups for Dummies? » A simple guide to achieving a quick and efficient Valentine’s Day breakup Chitwan Khosla Features Editor © features@theotherpress.ca alentine’s Day celebrates love and relationships—but we all know that relationships often do end. So, in the same way that you can express love on V-Day, you definitely can announce a breakup too. In fact, as soon as you get ina relationship you should start keeping a list of potential reasons to break up to be on the safe side. Did you forget to keep a list? If you want to escape your relationship this Valentine’s Day, you can use some of the following tips: To Break Up with a Guy Ask him about his day. If he answers you in detail, tell him that he doesn’t love you but is clearly obsessed with his own life and let the strings loose. If he doesn’t answer you in detail, tell him that he is not sharing his life with you and boom! Breakup successful. Ask him the name of your best friend’s aunt’s cat. If he doesn’t know, he doesn't care about your life and the people you value. It’s over! Go ona dinner date, and ask him to order what you that you dont like it. Again, he is a loser. Let him go. Tell him he needs a penile enlargement. This strategy never fails! : To Break Up witha Girl : Don't compliment or talk to her on your dinner date. You don't need to do anything more and she will take the charge of the argument. Tell her that you have a serious STD that you forgot about. Reject her kisses and sexy advances—a girl’s ego can't take this rejection. Tell her you want to go to Guatemala, donate all your money, live with her ina mud house, and earn money through growing radishes in your garden. Unless she’s really into gardening, she will run away! like. Whatever he orders, say e about pizza it’s not because I’m lonely, and : it’s not because it’s New Year's : Eve. I came here tonight because : : when you realize you want to : spend the rest of your life with a certain food, you want the rest : of your life to start as soon as possible.” “I think I’'d miss pizza even > if we never met.” “If, however, your feelings : have changed, I will have to tell you: pizza has bewitched me, : body and soul, and I love ... I : love ... I love pizza. I never wish : to be parted from pizza from : this day on.” : “I wish I knew how to quit : you, pizza.” : “Death cannot stop true > awhile” theotherpress.ca Image by Joel McCarthy pizza. All it can do is delay it for “No, I don’t think I will eat : pizza, although pizza needs : eating badly. That’s what’s wrong : with pizza. You should be eaten : and often, and by someone who knows how.” Image by WallpaperUp.com Premature love poems » Destroying the classics for the dream of cream William Sexspeare Humour Admirer This is just to say I have eaten my “crumbs” that were in your lady box and which you were probably saving for the shower. Forgive me they were delicious so salty and so warm. : Roses are red Those balls are blue : Stuffing is sweet : And so is goo. How do I love cream? Let : me count the ways. I love it to the depth and : breadth and height : My pole can reach, when : coming out of sight : For the ends of Being and : ideal Bones. I love wads to the level of : every day’s : Most quiet need, by pink and : pornography websites. : | love thee freely, as men : strive for Spooge; : I love thee purely, as they turn : from Dry to (Cream)pie. : | love with a passion put to > use : In my old socks, and with my : manhood’s fluids. : I love skeet with a love I : seemed to lose : With my lost load, I love thee : with the blast, : Smiles, tears, of all to come! : and, if she chooses, : I shall but love thee better : after each little death.