Shis issue: (¥Y Opinions of a five-year-old (Y The ‘Emma Watson Talk’ (Y Man ‘shares a Diet Coke this summer’ And more! Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor M4 humour@theotherpress.ca www theotherpress.ca * i the education of their children. The issues are indeed Sharon Miki licated found \ Humour Editor complicated, confounding, B humour and complex—it’s hard not @theotherpress.ca (With files from Dr. Seuss) Every student down in BC liked school a lot... But the Premier, who lived in Vancouver, did not! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be her advisors weren't advising her right. It could be, perhaps, that her shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all. May have been that her heart was two sizes too small. to see the smiling face of our province’s leadership as having a vex. While the teachers argue for what they see as equitable wage increases and class sizes with the needs ofall children in mind, the province, led by Premier Christy Clark, seems to have stern limits in mind. With insulting and unfair offers of forty-dollars-a-day, many local residents have expressed their dismay. “You have all the ten- der sweetness of a seasick crocodile—and given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick croc- odile,” said Mary McPencil, precious province of public — when asked if she had any school-loving parents and words for her Premier. students spent their spring “You're a bad banana, and summer surely unsure with a greasy black peel,” about the state of school this September. Alas, these British | Columbian Educational Optimists—also known as the Beos of Beoville—have been busily preparing themselves for back to school. They’ve got books! Pens! Pencils! And iPads! added local teacher, Sophia Burnaby-Coquitlam. Parents in particular had harsh words for the Premier in light of the uncertainty and stress that the extended lack of negotiation had caused them. “Your heart is full of | f urea * All they needed was a splish- = splash-smidgen of confidence = that their government and unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk,” said father-of- cm Sore arms governme ple back-to-school teachers would be able to reach a fair and reasonable settlement in order for classes to com- mence ina timely manner for three, Homer Simpson, who also added, “You're a three- decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich... with arsenic sauce!” ‘How many times have you been blackout drunk this week?’ » Judgy elliptical machine takes gym by storm § Sharon Miki _ Humour Editor M4 humour @theotherpress.ca ( ‘oquitiam gym-goers are all up in arms after noticing some fairly rude modifications to their cardio-training equipment last week. “All I wanted to do was trudge through 25 minutes on the elliptical while watching Family Feud on the tiny television,’ said Kara Mara, 19. “The last thing I need is my elliptical asking me about the existential nature of my existence! And I definitely don’t think it’s any of the machine’s business how much time I spend playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.” Indeed, patrons of Silver’s Gym in southern Coquitlam were shocked when the gym’s cardio equipment began asking more intrusive questions than the standard of “What is your age?” and “How much do you weigh?” at the beginning of their workouts. A quick sampling of the new questions that exercisers are forced to answer before their machines will start include: How dare you? Why don’t your friends call you when they’re sober? How much money did you spend on Red Bull last year? Will you ever find love—or are you doomed to be forever alone? And, why you gotta be so rude? “My treadmill asked me how many years it would take me to pay off my student loans,” cried Steve LaDouchee, a 22-year-old Douglas College student. “I mean—I don’t even know that!” Gym owners Sarahbella Kinsella and Claude Van Dam, however, stand by their decision to modify their cardio equipment. “We just got sick of our clients flitting in and out of the gym every day without really questioning their life choices. As fitness professionals, we feel like it’s our duty to make our patrons feel bad about themselves and their bodies,” said Van Dam. “With everyone juice cleansing and doing daily squats, it’s getting harder and harder for us to body-shame them. So we took things toa synergistic new level. Next- level stuff, you might say,” said Kinsella, smugly. The strategy—while controversial—seems to be working, as gym attendance is at an all-time high. Van Dam equates the program’s success with society’s deep, intrinsic loneliness. “It’s true,” agreed Mara. “The machines are mean, invasive, and bizarre—but at least someone’s asking me about my day, you know? It’s more than my boyfriend will ever do.”