@ www theotherpress.ca

umour

 

Transit fare increases revealed to be part of

a larger initiative to piss everyone off

IransLink hopes that
new changes and con-
tinued negligence will
demoralize commuters

By Brody Steves,
TransLink Troll

ransLink announced
last week that
fare increases will be
introduced starting in
January 2013 as part
of a new plan being
undertaken to further
annoy basically everyone.
“We're really excited
about what TransLink
has in store for the next
few years, as far as transit
in Metro Vancouver is

concerned,” TransLink
spokesperson Glinda Roy
told a group of pissed
off reporters on Tuesday
morning, “in addition
to increasing the cost of
all services, people can
look forward to reduced
frequency on certain bus
routes, as well as fewer
SkyTrains running due to
something we're calling
‘track maintenance.’

“We're really hoping
to piss off everyone who
relies on public transit as
part of their daily lives.
The feedback we’ve
received in the past is
that things are generally
not a clusterfuck, which
is something we want to
steer away from.”

In addition to

You(i}Comedy Classics

News Reporter Blooper

   

By Joel McCarthy, Graphics Manager

Before YouTube was overrun by cat videos, it was a platform for

comedy. So let’s remember the classics.

Where public humiliation lives on forever.

Sometimes when you fail, you just have to try again. And
again. And again. The intent of this news report was to

have the reporter to bash in a window with a hammer to
demonstrate the ease of car theft. What he didn’t expect is how
hard it is to break into a car. This video will have you rolling on
the floor laughing as this reporter does seven takes attempting
to smash a car window. Warning: the end is a little bit...graphic

http: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiSTAcY10_w

reduced services,
commuters can also look
forward to continued
inconveniences caused
by faregate construction
and an increase in transit
security, despite a deficit
budget.

“We know some
critics are arguing that
the faregate addition will
never result in increased
revenue, after taking into
consideration their costly
installation and projected
maintenance of the gates
each year” Roy added,
“but what people need
to realize is that the last
thing we’re concerned
about is balancing our
budget. Our priority is,
and always has been, to
make things as difficult

as possible for the
general public.”

Roy was also quick
to denounce rumors that
announcement systems
currently operating on
SkyTrain cars would
be upgraded with new
models, stating that the
systems would continue
to function ineffectively
and that commuters
could relax knowing
that “they still won’t
be able to understand a
God damn word of what
is being said.” As well,
Roy also denied claims
that the Evergreen Line
project was moving
along, calling the idea
of any progress to the
SkyTrain extension
“simply outlandish.”

Roy ended the press
conference with a hint at
a future grandiose project
that may be soaking up
TransLink budgets in the
near future: a solid gold
monument of a toilet, to
possibly be erected in
front of TransLink’s head
offices in Burnaby

“Tt saddens me
deeply when I hear
people complaining that
we might not totally be
pissing away all of the
money we receive from
both the public and from
the government. We
feel that a project like
building a giant toilet
might help calm any of
those concerns.”

(FAUSIroscopes

Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Social events are good for you. They get you
outside of your parent’s basement and you
could potentially learn some valuable life
lessons. For example, Cheetos dust is not an
acceptable moustache for Movember.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Your mind is filled with social issues today.
You'll be thinking about heavy subjects like
“Would any of my friends mind if I got them
gift cards for Christmas instead of actual
gifts?”

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Guess what? Today you have the capability
to invent something so brilliant, everybody's
minds will be blown! I mean, a steam engine?
That’s a great idea! If only it weren't already
invented.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Do you want a way to better your career?
Well, gather up some friends and suddenly
break out into an organized dance, using the
choreography from “Gangnam Style” while in
the middle of an important meeting.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Good news, everyone! You and five of your
friends are going on a trip back to Victorian
England! You'll be staying in the slums of
London, so try not to break into “Food,
Glorious Food” while you're there.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Want to get a better grade on that final paper?
Here’s a hint: whatever you do, don’t use
Comic Sans as your font.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Today you'll discover that you can fire laser
beams. Unfortunately, you'll only be able to do
so at 2:15 a.m.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

Today, you'll win that iPad you always wanted
by clicking on a banner ad. When the ad asks
for your credit card number, give it to them.
Don’t worry. This is just Future Shop’s new
advertising campaign!

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Today, a whirlwind of energy will inspire you
to recreate the Mona Lisa on Draw My Thing.
Unfortunately, the other person is asking for a
recreation of The Last Supper.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Today, you will host a final exam study party.
Unsurprisingly, the party will end up with all
you passed out on the floor from drinking too
much.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Today, you will receive boatloads of
information in your emails—never mind that
they are all about Viagra.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

It seems like you want something, but don’t
have a clue on how to get it. Maybe you should
try asking someone if you can borrow a ladder.

With files from Livia Turnbull

23