September 08, 2008 Desperately Seeking Coons Some say a drug dealer’ destiny is reachin’ the ki’, I'd rather be the man Dene the door, supplying the streets —Ghostface Killah LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Dertas | \ Hello! You don’t know me, but my name is Liam, and I think I have your phone number. About a month ago I needed a new phone, and my local Telus dealership was more than happy to supply. I filled out form after form, stating my preferences for this or that calling feature, “= plan, and such and such, until the salesman asked me what phone number I wanted. “Well, can I get, like, one of those phone numbers that spells something out on the keypad?” I asked him. I really wanted to have something like 604.555.WEED as my number. , “Naw, sorry, the good ones are taken,” he told me. “You can have like, 604.555. DICK or COCK or something.” Not wanting to associate my phone number with wang, I passed on his offer. So, I asked him what phone number I would get. “We'll just recycle an old one,” he said. “How about an Aldergrove number? They’re the best.” { Sure, whatever. I just wanted my new phone real quick-like. About two days after owning the phone, I got a call from an unknown number. Which is weird because a) I have no friends who would want to call me, ine b) it was 2 a.m. on a Monday night. “Hello?” I answered. “Hey man... Brad?” the other end answered. “No, this is Liam,” “Oh really? Where’s Brad?” “I don’t know. I’ve never met Brad.” “Oh, weird,” he said, sounding like this was a lot to swallow. “Well, okay then, can I get a half-gram of white?” “Huh?” “Oh, you're not a coke dealer, are you?” “No, I’m not.” “Damn, man. Alright, see ya.” Click. And it’s been like that ever since. Every couple of days, Brad, one of your ex-clients will call me up looking for a half-flap of blow. You must’ve been a popular guy, Brad, because these fiends are calling me up on the daily. I guess that’s the thing, being a coke dealer though; it’s not like being a weed dealer who has predictable clientele who will maybe buy your product at certain times of the day and be asleep at other times. No, these are cokeheads, and so it doesn’t matter what time of day it is; someone’s hungry. My biggest question right now, Brad, is what am I to do about all these needy addicts calling me all the time? Should I tell them that I do have blow and tell them to meet me in a remote parking lot in Pitt Meadows and just let them wait there for hours as I go back to bed? Or maybe I should tell them to meet me in PoCo, where I’ll lead them into an ambush where me and my friends wait for them to show up and be robbed. Hell, maybe I should just take over your business, Brad, and start slangin’ myst Tcould make tons of money, and maybe even get a few stolen PlayStations, too. _ may think with their noses, but they still think, Brad. blow, you know who to call! | quit the game, move to the country and buy a big house with a pasture and start raising horses? Or maybe demand for drugs in Vancouver died down to 4 a point where it wasn’t profitable anymore (Ha! Just kidding ya, buddy!). I wish I could know who you are, Brad, because you’re Stet part of my life. I’m living in your shadow, Brad, and whenever those fiends call me up and hear that Thave no coke for them, all they probably think is how lame I am compared to you. They And it’s more than just that, Brad, you’ve become a man of mystery to me. I want to know who you are, and how this unique cast of characters got to know you. Were you a big-time mover, or did you just do a little hustling to get through rough times? . Are you the Scarface of Vancouver, or more like Tracy Morgan in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back? 1 want to know how you built your empire of loyal addicts; I want to know if you ever ran from the cops, if you ever flashed steel, if you have a cool nickname like “Fresh,” or “Mojo.” Has a coke-slut ever snorted a line off of your body? If the answer to that is yes, then I’m going to start dealing today! Well, I’m glad I was able to get this off my chest. Brad, bood luck with whatever ' path life has taken you on. And readers of The Other Press, if you’re ever looking for Your friend in high fidelity, Liam Britten I guess the other question is about you, Brad. Who are you? Or, perhaps, were you? How did you lose this phone number? Did you get arrested? Did you get killed? Did you The students’ union Book Swap is back and its online! Go to www douglasstudentsurion.ca to sign up; click on the “book swap” link, and buy and sell your textbooks today. Please note: To facilitate the success of this Book Swap service on-line, and in the effort to pro- vide “one-stop” shopping for the benefit of all students, the students’ union will be continuing its bulletin board policy of poster removals which advertise used textbooks for sale. Don’t miss out - go on-line today! DOouGLAS STUDENTS’ UNION CANADIAN FEDERATION OF STUDENTS - Loca 18