LETTITOR

 

So last Tuesday I ran into Brian Mulroney. Not accidentally, of
course. A few weeks ago I heard was doing something at the
downtown Chapters (you can read my full coverage on page
five) so I figured I may as well drop by to see. I thought maybe
we’d have a casual chat, take a few photos with my arm around
his shoulders, that sort of thing.

That was rather naive thinking, in retrospect. Former
prime ministers are a hot item, and the Chapters people had
Brian on a very short leash. As I sat in the audience awaiting
the great man’s arrival, the Chapters woman barked out that
Mr. Mulroney would be doing no personal signings and no
posed photographs. Once his speech concluded we were to line
up like obedient serfs, books in hand, and Mulroney would
systematically sign them one after another. There would be time
for exactly one sentence of attempted small-talk.

“It was quite an honor to hear you speak” I said quickly
when my time came. “You’re a very fine speaker.” He thanked
me, in that wonderfully low voice of his, then I had to dash to
the left so the people behind me wouldn’t think I was hogging.

As far as visits with heads of state go, it was one of my
lamer experiences. And I’ve had a few.

‘I met Prime Minister Ehud Barak of Israel last year. It was at
some Oak Street banquet for friends of Israel. I patiently waited
for the crowds around him to disperse, then asked, as politely as
I could, if I could get a photo with him. All I got was a look of
utter contempt. Maybe my yarmulke was crooked.

Then there was the time I met Adrienne Clarkson, a
woman I have always loathed. Getting face time with her was
no problem; events with the Governor General do not tend to
draw large crowds. But it was the first time I’d ever met anyone
even closely resembling a world leader, and within minutes of
speaking to her I felt my republican contempt for this useless
symbol of pointless extravagance melt into childish star-
struckness. “I hope the next Governor General is half as good
as you are!” I said to her before leaving, and muttered “stupid
stupid stupid” to myself all the way home.

I met the Queen once too, but all she did was smile and nod,
as she’s been doing more or less continually since 1952. And
I’ve shaken Harper’s hand, but that was equally unspectacular.
My only lasting memory is that his palm felt doughy.

Heads of State are basically just normal people like you or
I. Once you get a couple of visits out of your system you begin
to realize how thoroughly unspectacular these men and women
are. After this latest disappointment, I think I’Il just stick with
cardboard cut outs from now on. At least they ’re.always willing
to pose with you.

J.J. McCullough, Editor in Chief of the Other Press