EN -W-OM(o(-t- Riel mre Bele) a ee M humour@theotherpress.ca (¥ Canada too polite to call Tim Hortons out on its BS (¥ Sun Yat-sen Garden renamed to Rogers Garden (Y Comics! And more! Letter to the Editor: Some overdue advice > Better late than never Lowon Fyber Contributor or the past 37 years I have read the Other Press student newspaper. It has brought me back from the brink of insanity during the “Good Television Show Shortage” of ’91, along with bringing me to tears during the “turning onions into newspaper” initiative in the ’8os. I have stuck with this newspaper for a large chunk of my life, no matter what I happened to be doing at the time, which, evidently, turned out to be very little. Unfortunately, I have had something on my mind for quite a while, and only now do I have the courage to express my thoughts. Over the years I’ve seen your brilliant advancement in news coverage and how your illustrations just keep improving as the years pass, but there’s one thing I haven't seen change for the better. In all my 37 years of reading your fine publication, the taste of your paper has never gotten any better. I've tried frying it, I’ve tried putting it in stews, yet nothing improves the flavour of your pages. also seek your help in improving everyone’s newspaper experience. I'll be honest, I’ve thought about giving up on you. | thought about seeking other newspapers to eat, magazines even, but I don’t want to give up on your newspaper, no matter what it tastes like, no matter what any person or concerned doctor says. I will stick with you and we can figure this out. That’s a promise. I've tried shredding it and cubing it. I’ve tried folding it into paper swans and eating those raw. I’ve tried mailing it to myself and eating it after it’s been around the block and touched by the hands of several mail deliverers. I’ve also tried eating only certain parts of the paper, keeping away from ink-heavy sections such as large illustrations, or the recently defunct sports section, but alas, this does not change the taste, although it kept my hospital visits down to a minimum for some unknown reason. I’ve tried just eating the food- related articles, thinking that maybe they would taste better, but my attempts have proven to be useless. I’ve asked for advice from anyone who would listen. Iam determined to make it work, but all I keep being told is “Just stop eating the newspaper,” and “I just want to ride the bus, stop talking to me,” or “Please stop phoning 9u, this isn’t what this line is meant for,” and none of these options seem right to me. So, Iam writing to you to not only give you some well-needed insight into your customer base, but Digital illustration by Lauren Kelly Chocolate fondue recipe > Depression meals: Dessert for one Mercedes Deutscher Social Media Coordinator up! I hope you have a good night!” - Light up your fondue pot and toss a chocolate Ingredients: 1/2 box of strawberries 1sleeve of wafers 1 banana 5 Jersey Milk or Dairy Milk bars - Dress up nice and shower for the first time in a few days; you've got a date coming over. * Tidy the house slightly by hiding your dirty dishes in the shower. Put out your unopened Radiohead vinyl so that your date might think you're cool. * Queue a romantic comedy on Netflix so you don’t have to go through your “Recently Watched” later and have your date discover that all you watch is animated adult comedy. bar inside. Poke at it for a while, only to be disappointed that it’s breaking down into greasy chunks rather than warm, melty chocolate. * Turn fondue off and leave a chocolate mess in the fondue pot. - Take off nice clothes and try to take another shower to feel better. Pull back the shower curtain. Remind yourself that you need to do the dishes. - Put your depression clothes back on. + Take remaining chocolate, fruit, and wafers into the living room and immediately rate your chosen romantic comedy a “thumbs down.” * Put on episode of Bob’s Burgers, but tune it out since you've seen it so many times. - Shove wafers into your mouth and feel the crumbs cascade into your lap as quickly as your heart sank when your date cancelled on you on - Light some candles and brush your hair in the last few minutes before your date is scheduled to arrive. + Sit patiently and watch as time cruelly dwindles away via melting candles. * Get anxious and text your date, asking if they are simply running late. Wait 20 more minutes before getting the reply: “Hey, I’m really sorry, but something came Valentine’s Day. Wash it down with remaining chocolate bars, half a banana, and one strawberry. - Swipe meaninglessly through Tinder and wonder whether anyone will ever love you again. - Think about how you gave your all in your last relationship—or at least how you think you did. - Determine that you just weren't attractive enough. Or maybe you didn’t excite them enough, since you didn’t even have sex for the last three months of the relationship. Or maybe you just expected a partner to fill the emptiness in yourself. - Cry for a bit and delete your dating site accounts. You'll be back in a few days. You always are.