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Exorcism successfully banishes spirit of teamwork from office staff
Satan’s influence over friendly, congenial employees cast back to hell

By Liam Britten,
Chief Demonic Editor

hen Maria Corrado,
office manager at law
firm Feinman, McCarthy

and Spitz, saw that everyone in her
staff was getting along on Monday
morning, she knew something was up.

“Tt was the weirdest thing. No
one was screaming at the mail guy,
the paralegals were being treated
with respect, and even the boys
from IT were in a good mood. I
knew something must have been
really wrong,” she told The Other
Press.

Luckily, Corrado knew what
she was dealing with—rather, who
she was dealing with—Satan.

“Oh yeah, I knew it was the
Dark Lord himself as soon as I
saw everyone acting like civilized
human beings, cooperating, getting

things done in a cordial manner. No
question.”

It was obvious to her: Satan
himself had risen up from the
depths of hell and possessed all of
her employees with the spirit of
teamwork.

Many Canadians would have
panicked at the mere thought of a
mass demonic possession of this
magnitude. However, Corrado
knew what she was doing. Her
first call, after barring every
door, window, and fire escape,
was to Westminster Abbey in
Mission, where she enlisted the
help of trained professionals—
professionals like Fr. Joseph
Nedved, a Benedictine monk and
exorcist with 12 years experience.

“Oh yeah, you don’t want to
be messing around with something
like demonic possession. And
getting teamwork out of someone

is like getting grass stains out of a
wedding dress,” he said. “It takes,
patience, care, a solid rattan cane
for beatings, and of course, Jesus.”

What followed was a
gruelling, four-day trial by fire
that subjected the employees at
Feinman, McCarthy and Spitz
to starvation, dousing with cold
water, uncomfortable confinement,
sleep deprivation, forced chanting,
a coffee break, then more
confinement. While it took almost
a full week and the loss of several
important clients, the office was
eventually declared free of Satan’s
influence.

“T knew everything was back to
normal once I came in on Monday
and saw the staff at each other’s
throats,” said Corrado. “Gossip,
disrespect, even racial slurs. It was
the perfect litigation environment.
And I owe it all to Father Nedved’s

excellent work.”

Try telling that to the ever-
modest friar.

“T was just doing the Lord’s
work. Nothing to it really,” Nedved
said. “And besides, teamwork
is nothing. Have you ever tried
exorcising the spirit of charity? Or
friendship? Saints preserve us!”

 

 

New Settlers of Catan game includes realistic portrayal of colonial atrocities

Human rights groups call game, ‘shockingly irresponsible, but great fun’

 

By Liam Britten,
Chief Racist Board Game Editor

erman board game
manufacturer Kosmos is
taking heat this week for

publishing a new version of its
popular board game Settlers of

“You can’t include smallpox-
laden blankets in a children’s
game,” said National Anti-Racism
Council of Canada spokesperson
Estella Muyinda. “It completely
trivializes the horrific, genocidal
impact of European racism on
indigenous peoples. And even

“In the game's home nation of Germany, the illegal, underground far-right
board game magazine Ein Volkspeoplengamenmagazinen gave the new
version of Settlers “10 out of 10” praising its “accurate depiction of European
domination’ of the world, and its appeal to young children.”

Catan that offers “the most realistic,
brutal portrayal of Europe’s
civilization of the world’s far-flung
reaches ever played by ages 10 and
up,” in the words of the publisher.
Human rights groups, however,
see the game a little differently.
22

worse, it completely unbalances the
game. Every time we've played the
game around the office, whoever
gets that stupid card wins the game.
Totally overpowered.”

The game is similar to
conventional Settlers of Catan

games. The objective is to

obtain points by building

towns, cities, roads, and armies.
However, the new version adds
additional ways to earn points,
including establishing apartheid,
extinguishing native languages,
building residential schools, and
building the longest Road of Tears.

Resource collection remains a
key aspect of the game, although
new ones have been added. While
stone, brick, wood, wheat, and
sheep still exist, the addition of
slaves, blood diamonds, looted
cultural treasures, opium, and
unfairly obtained furs add what
Kosmos calls, “a new dimension
that allows the true creativity and
strategic forethought of players to
shine through in the destruction
of inferior civilizations the world
over.”

Rosa A. Eberly, communications
professor at Penn State University,
said that while the game is certainly
reprehensible, it’s not without
precedent.

“Tt reminds me very much
of when Hasbro developed a
version of Risk that included Nazi
death camps and the bombing of
civilian targets. Or the Southern
U.S. version of Monopoly that
allows players to hire illegal
Mexican immigrants for half pay,’
Eberly told The Other Press.“And
historically, board games have
been just as controversial. Few are
actually aware that the original
inspiration for chess was the

y

European knights’ desire to re-live
the massacre following the Siege
of Jerusalem following the First
Crusade.”

Reaction to the game has not
all been negative. In South Africa,
white citizens are reportedly
buying the game in droves. In the
game’s home nation of Germany,
the illegal, underground far-
right board game magazine Fin
Volkspeoplengamenmagazinen gave
the new version of Settlers “10
out of 10” praising its “accurate
depiction of European domination”
of the world, and its appeal to
young children.

 

As in all Settlers of Catan games,
players earn points by completing
tasks. The new version is no
different. Here are some examples
of such tasks:

* Sign unequal treaties

* Destroy cultural traditions
* Buy land for buttons

* Play one tribe against
another

¢ Introduce alcohol

* Forcibly convert natives to
Christianity

* Conquer China

¢ Be white