The “Other” News New MedDonala’s coupons allow consumers to get clarihnoea at DAL DISS 5, rian brine $1 OFF any Angus Third Pounders Sandwich or Extra Value Meal" Veloreidoc® gb tte Qipetat Log hoodie Maes Becta pratt Ge c@h ke re edtity rey ow ry int et we tir xt ay fhe din front x oes aie oe fed Fh aty wae oF Peretted ve deacon fn types 4 art, Miyy nxt be ead fe castes ontos: “Wage tebe “et Bad we Fa food giant McDonald’s is sending out a wave of coupons across Canada with discount offers that they claim will lead to big savings and big trips to the can for consumers nationwide. The coupon campaign offers “McSavings on your McStomach cramps,” and could revolutionize the way fast food is marketed to consumers. “In the past, fast food chains like McDonald’s or Wendy’s, or what have you, would simply encourage customers to come to the restaurant, eat their fill, and leave to their own devices,” said Steve Mainprize, a Douglas College sociologist. “But now, McDonald’s is actively encouraging their customers to eat until they come down with nasty cases of the shits, perhaps doing long-term damage to their small intestines, and personally, I think it’s brilliant.” Mainprize praised the plan for associating horrible, watery craps to the McDonald’s line of food. Added Mainprize: “I think it’s fair to say that {anyone who eats a lot of McDonalds probably has a lot 1 of unpleasant trips to the shitter. And every time they : enter the so-called ‘ring of fire,’ they will definitely be j__ thinking about McDonald’s. It’s simply ingenious” i Consumers, however, are split on how they feel about the diarrhoea-related ad campaign. a “Yeah, I guess it’s good that we get to have painful, unpleasant shits for cheap,” said Mike Alvarez, of Pitt Meadows. “But what about heart problems, obesity, high cholesterol, and liver damage? Can I still get those tried-and-true features of McDonald’s food at a discount?” Deborah Stein, also of Pitt Meadows, echoed those sentiments. “T dunno, I’m not too big on the whole thing,” she said. “I honestly preferred McDonald’s to be better known for their dry beef and other bland, tasteless products.” Psychologists warn useless related depression ~- eg ow. ae Canadians about Google- é ly Wa the world becoming more and more connected, and information about people worldwide available at the fingertips of anyone with a computer, many are finding the information age to be very empowering. However, psychologists are warning that this empowerment can be harmful to the self-esteem of those who have done absolutely nothing with their lives. This new phenomenon is being called “Google-related depression,” and refers to the phenomenon of Googling one’s own name, and finding others with the same name. While this may be enlightening or stimulating for most Canadians, it can be devastating for shitty Canadians, who feel terribly insecure when they compare the lives of similarly-named strangers to their own crappy lives. One such Canadian with a crappy life is Sarah Feingold, a 27-year-old Safeway checkout clerk and single resident of Abbotsford. While wasting her time away, like this putz would do on any other day, Sarah was overcome with curiosity, and used the Google search engine to research her own name. “Tt was so frustrating,” the sad excuse for a human being said. “There are like, a billion other Sarah Feingolds out there, and they’ve all had great lives. It’s just not fair.” Sarah then rattled off a litany of other women who shared her name, but not her unique mix of laziness, ignorance and unpleasant personality. “Look at this bitch! She’s like, a doctor and shit,” Sarah said, misidentifying a massage therapist from Minneapolis as a doctor. “It’s not fair, she’s got, like, everything, and it’s just stupid.” While dummies like Sarah may seem like an exception to the rule, psychologists have warned that there may be millions more Canadians who are absolutely dumb as bricks, useless as shit, and who would feel naturally inferior to those who have the same name as them. Another meathead feeling ashamed and worthless is Johnny Roberts, an unemployed drywall installer and father of two illegitimate children who lives in Kelowna. He Googled his name accidentally while looking for pornography online, and has discovered hundreds of people named Johnny Roberts around the world. He has since been feeling depressed and worthless, and while such feelings from him and similar losers around the world seem heartbreaking, they are also very justified. “I work hard every day,” said Roberts, who hasn’t worked since 2006 due to a minor backache he got after falling from a shed while drunk. “But you look at this Johnny Roberts from Tucson, Arizona, and he’s a fuckin’ lawyer with a wife? I mean, what the hell does he have that I don’t?” According to friends and family, what Johnny from Kelowna lacks are intelligence, a pleasant disposition, and “any kind of work ethic or drive to improve upon his fucked up life.” According to his son, Alex, Johnny “smells like dog pee and cigarettes.” Jeremy Biesanz, a social psychologist from the University of British Columbia, sees a trend forming; he thinks that the depression found in these human turds may simply manifest itself in yet more worthless behaviour from worthless human beings. “| predict that we could see even more anti-social, repulsive, or simply brain-dead responses from these painfully terrible people,” Biesanz said. “I mean, many of these people are barely literate, they practise poor hygiene, and so what’s next? Are they going to simply amuse themselves by bashing bricks together? Are they going to self-medicate by doing drugs? Or maybe they’ll simply embrace their uselessness by throwing their remaining years down the shitter by living on Facebook.” When asked if he felt bad for people affected by Google-related depression, Biesatz replied that he did not, saying, “fuck ‘em, J worked hard all my life.” ys