OPINIONS 8 Today’ s So-Called Conservatives Make Me Laugh! Overall, the film was a brilliant piece of work, and I was pleased to see a long-overdue sympathetic Hollywood portrayal of conservatives. Yet every time I think back to that movie’s beautiful right-wing vision, I can’t help but feel greatly disillusioned with the present state of politics in the real world. Despite the fact that both the United States and Canada are supposedly ruled by conservative governments, it’s never been more obvi- ous just how spectacularly these two administrations are Right Hook JJ McCullough, OP Columnist The other day I went to V_for Vendetta, the latest Hollywood blockbuster. While I didn’t stay long enough to watch the whole thing—Karl Rove paged me halfway through with new orders, so I had to leave early—I am confident I got the gist. Basically, the film depicts a not-too-distant future utopia, in which Britain has finally cast off the oppres- sive shackles of the Labour Party and elected a genuine- ly conservative government in its place. Though the film implied the government was just recently-elected, it was heart-warming to see just how completely this party had already managed to implement its right-wing agenda. Not only had this fictionalized England instituted an amazingly thorough and sophisticated anti-terrorism crime-fighting infrastructure, so too had they swiftly moved to make Islam illegal, clamp down on morally perverted lifestyles, and eliminate all liberal biases from the airwaves! failing to implement any sort of coherent right-wing agenda. Prime Minister Stephen Harper, in particular, is prov- ing to be a profound disappointment. Throughout the course of the last federal election, conservatives like myself were constantly promised that Harper possessed a hidden agenda. Among other exciting promises, this ambitious agenda was supposed to outlaw all abortion (especially in the case of rape or incest), make gun owner- ship mandatory, introduce nine-tier healthcare, and sanction the immediate deployment of Canadian troops to Abu Ghraib prison. So why am I still waiting for these things? Listen Mr. Prime Minister, either you’re with true conservatives or you’re with the Terrorist-Communist- Atheist-Feminist alliance. If you support their agenda of turning our nation into a hotbed of fanatical, America- hating, anti-Christian lesbians, that’s your business. But don’t do it while pretending to be a conservative, you filthy liberal sell-out. And don’t get me started on President Bush either. At least Harper can claim some degree of innocence, as he’s only been in office for a few months. Bush, on the other hand, has been in office for over four years now and what does America have to show for it? Homosexuality—still legal. The Democratic Party—still existing. Church and State—still separate. The people of Iran—still alive. The list goes on and on! During his tenure as Commander-in-Chief, the President has done nothing but consistently break one promise after another. Iraq is an excellent example. Before the war, I remember receiving an email from Paul Wolfowitz promising that within weeks of the invasion, me and all of my neo-Con buddies would soon receive barrel after barrel of piping hot, fresh Iraqi oil delivered to our doorsteps. The war is now in it’s fourth year, and I have yet to receive my first delivery. Sure, I enjoy the mindless slaughter of Iraqi babies as much as the next man, but war is useless unless it’s somehow making the rich richer. And another thing: if Vice President Cheney is going to be engaging in an aggressive campaign of shooting people in the face, a policy I support in theory, why can’t he at least concentrate on shooting individuals who present rea/ threats to America? If I was Bush, I would deploy Cheney on an ambitious cross-nation tour to seek out and destroy true villains like Al Franken, Michael Moore, Arianna Huffington, Jon Stewart, and all other members of the liberal elite who are eagerly subverting the security of the United States with their dangerous free-thinking. Bush was supposed to sup- press all anti-Republican dissent in the immediate after- math of 9/11, yet the mere fact that these traitors con- continued on pg. 9 Monstrous Imperio-capital-facist-conservatives Must Not Prevail! Total world revolution only way to stop imperialism! | Left Overs lain Reeve, OP Pinko The world, my friends, has gone horribly amiss. Imperialist forces are invading dissenting nations with impunity; Mother Nature is being pillaged to feed our vac- uous consumer frenzy; brave anti-imperialist leaders are being discriminated against; and people are having funda- mental rights, like access to all drugs, limited by ultra-con- servative governments. The only possible way to correct these horrid injustices is total global revolution—and we must be prepared to go to any lengths to achieve it. The United States and their puppet, crony states like the United Kingdom, Israel, Australia, and yes, even Canada, are leading a coordinated attack against free peo- ple around the world. By attacking the happy, peaceful, non-materialistic people of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Haiti, Afghanistan, Belarus, Somalia, Nigeria, Morocco, Antarctica, Palau, Cuba, Brazil, Colombia, Saudi Arabia, Palestine...I mean, the occupied territories, and others, the powers of imperialism are showing their true colours. They are madmen dead-set on world conquest under a clandestine autocratic one-world government. In this new- world-gone-mad, all the non-white, non-Anglo Saxon, non-Christian people will be made into slaves, while their resources are exploited to make coffee and umbrellas for the ruling West. Armies in these countries must be pulled out. When these people have problems with their government, the only way to achieve a better government is by popular protest. Sure, hundreds will be killed in protests, thou- sands in the grab for power, and perhaps millions in the ensuing civil war, but this is the price that must be paid for good government. All democratic countries went through bloody conflict to achieve their governments. Except for Canada, so...never mind. The pillaging of nature to fuel capitalist mass con- sumption must be halted at all costs. It is absolutely dis- gusting the way these people are able to ignore the dam- age they are doing to nature with their pointless consump- tion. Not only are they exploiting nature, they are attack- ing people in other countries by exploiting cheap labour used to make all these glorious coveted consumer prod- ucts. I think we should all just escape the city and return to nature. As long as I can bring my iBook, my skate- board, a pair of Chucks, a cheap guitar, some art supplies, three books, anti-capitalism posters, a Che Guevara t- shirt, and maybe my bike. Leaders like Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, and others should be applauded for their strength to go to any lengths to resist capitalist consumption and imperialism. Instead, they are ostracized from the world community. Leaders of other nations claim they are mistreating their people and curbing their rights to democracy by not allowing for fair elections. This is simply the price one must be willing to pay to resist the power of the Western overlords. The simple scientific fact is that drugs are not harm- ful. When only used for fun activities like writing, music, skateboarding, and sitting in the park, drugs are perfectly good for society. They allow us a level of thinking that cannot possibly be achieved by day-to-day thinking and living. If we legalize all drugs, there will be no need for drug crime and use will obviously decrease. Sure, some people will become addicts and be incapable of living normal lives. But if our governments would just match legalization by increasing funding to rehab programs everything would come out in the wash. It is obvious to even the most casual follower of poli- tics that the only way to solve these problems is world wide communist revolution. We must all throw off the shackles of capitalism and run off into the woods togeth- er as brothers and sisters. Only in this way can we stop the imperialist war machine from making straight, white, drug free double speakers out of us all. March on, move- ment of truth! [Dictated, not written, while high on marijuana, MDMA, Black Beauties, a couple of reds, meth, crack, PCP, and Dayquil. April 1, 2006. IW Reevely Incorporated.