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CF Miley | opinions @otherpress.ca

The Way Things
Sometimes Are

A New Column By CF Miley
Opinions Editor

Chapter One, Verse One

Note: The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Miley are not necessarily representative of the entire Other Press collective.
Nor is it necessarily the case that all Other Press members, unlike Mr. Miley, harbour unresolved emotions for 80s’ prime-

time minx Tina Yothers. (Editor)

In the coming weeks and months, if you
turn on a TV, you will likely hear George W.
Bush railing on about the so-called “Gay
Marriage” issue. George W. Bush is a dan-
gerous man of the first degree. He believes
that “homosexuality is an abomination”
because the Bible tells him so. Well, you
know what, Bush is an idiot, and anyone
that takes the Bible literally is an idiot too.

Before you blow a bead and rally the
Canadian Christians for the Prevention of
Metaphoric Under-standing to burn me in
effigy, hear me out. In this day and age,
you'd have to be a fool to take a 2000-year-
old book as rote. It’s meant to be a
metaphor people. Wake up and smell the
frankincense.

Jesus spoke of love and throwing the
money lenders out of the temple, of treat-
ing people well, and being treated well in
return. That’s all fine and good. I concur
with all those ideas. Except, I interpret them
to mean, “charging outrageous interest rates
on loans (usury) is wrong, and, it’s a good
thing to be kind for kindness’ sake, not for
some future reward.” I start to get ornery
when human beings—in the 21st century,
no less—walk around like they’re in some
drug-induced haze, except it ain't drugs
they’re on, it’s 2000-year-old words.

Case in point: I’m talking to a middle-
aged woman while waiting for my car to get
new brakes. I’m stupid, so I bring up a news
clip I had seen the night before. A clip in
which President Bush said that it would
belittle the sanctity of marriage if Gays
were allowed to marry. The women turns a
little sour in the face, and after some mild
prodding to express herself, spits out the
following: “Leviticus, chapter 18, verse 22.

8 | OtherPress

Homosexuality is an abomination.”

I don’t blame this woman for her igno-
rance. Actually, yes, I do. She’s an idiot. She
takes the words from an old book, memo-
rizes them, and decides that this is the one
and only proper way for people to live. She
had no way of knowing that I had been
doing a little biblical studying of my own in
preparation for this column.

“Well you seem to know your Bible well,”
I said to this woman in the waiting area.
“But what about Exodus, 21, 7? You see,
I’ve been considering selling my son into
slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21, 7, and I
was wondering if you had any idea how
much I should ask? _He’s a good kid, intelli-
gent, healthy, and handsome. It’s just, I’m
having some trouble deciding what is a
good price for a person?” I said.

“Also,” I continued, “there’s the question
of my brother. He’s a fireman, and, well,
contrary to God’s law, sometimes fires go
right ahead and burst forth on Sundays.
Right in front of God and everything. Now,
in Exodus, 35, 2, it says that anyone working
on the Sabbath shall be put to death. Do I
have to kill him myself? Or, is it okay if I
just hire a mob to do it? And what about
those damn kids that deliver the Sunday
Province? Don’t they deserve some kind of
six-figure danger pay?”

I’m sad to report that this conversation
only took place in my head, or maybe it was
an old episode of The West Wing, I can’t
remember. But there “was” a woman at
Wolfe’s Langley Mazda, and she “was” look-
ing at me funny. And had she said, “Jesus
saves,” I would have yelled, “Yes! But
Naslund pockets the rebound.”

Then I would have continued, “What

 

about Leviticus, 11, 7, that one about touch-
ing the skin of a dead pig making a person
unclean. There goes my side of bacon with
my Belgian waffle. What should we do
about those damn football players and their
oblong ball—AKA, the pigskin?”

“Must I stone my father for planting two
different crops side-by-side?” I would have
argued. “Must I kill my mother for wearing
a garment comprised of two different
threads?” I would have yelled. I'd have
warped her fragile little mind, damn it.

But these things didn’t happen, and so, I
decided to sit down today, state my opin-
ions, and get them published in this here
newspaper. I believe that you’d have to be a
fool to take the teachings of the Bible in a
literal sense. There are wonderful lessons to
be taken from the story of Jesus, lessons of
compassion, understanding, and patience.
Just don’t take them literally. It makes you
sound stupid.

 

2004