issue 22// vol 45 humour // no. 17 City bus just one big travel >» All aboard! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor | ave you been sick in 2019? If you have been, you're not alone. Records show that illnesses such as the common cold, flu, and having a really bad headache on the right side of your head that just won't go away have affected more than 80 percent of the Greater Vancouver population. The reason so many airborne illnesses have gone viral, according to scientists, is due to the true nature of public buses. “Many people don’t know this, but city buses are actually one big bacteria amoeba,’ said Jude Baker, Dean of Health and Sciences at UBC. “What people think is aroad vehicle designed to carry many passengers is a huge, mobile germ that infects you even when you're walking alongside it on the street.” “People are gross,” said Kathy Hepburn, head of TransLink Public Relations. “Have you ever looked at your fingernails under a microscope? With the amount of dirt, grime, and bacteria that humans brought onboard our city buses, it was much more viable to simply replace them with a giant bacterial cell that would consume dead organisms, animal waste, and plant litter.” Other Press reporters asked Hepburn to break down the composition of the big bacterium known as the bus. “The doors are the cell wall, while the driver is the nucleus,’ Hepburn explained. “The seats are the mitochondria, or the vacuoles, or something like that. It’s kind of a jumble in there” What does this mean for passengers? “You're guaranteed to get at least a cold by even thinking of the word bus,” Baker said. “And depending on the bus line, your illness might be more severe. The 99 B-Line will usually result in the flu, while —— 4 = a — catching any night bus will most certainly end in a venereal disease.” Frequent bus riders weren't exactly shocked to hear the news. “T once saw a man throw up ona seat on the 18, and then sit on it,” said Clarice Lundgren. “Then he stood up to give it toa pregnant woman, who sat in it too.” “Lused to havea full head of hair before I started taking public transportation,” Lucien Douglas, Vancouver resident, told reporters. “Now I’m bald and I’ve had a runny nose for the past six years.” “T like how the bus always smells like three to six people just sneezed right in ling germ Photo by Billy Bui your face,” Imogen Thrupp said to press. “It’s very comforting to me.” When asked if TransLink would change their wheeled bacteria back into standard metal and rubber models, Hepburn seemed on the fence. “Tf it’s not broke, don’t fix it. And if people are still willing to pay three whole dollars for something that should be free, why change it now?” Hepburn said. “By the way, our plans for 2020 include making the buses 80 percent germier and increasing fares to either five dollars a zone or a cup of your blood plasma. You're welcome, Vancouver!” New dating app mixes love with hate » Baby, I hate you so much! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor re you one of those superficial, idealistic idiots who believes in love at first sight? “True love doesn’t actually exist,” Sociologist Willam Menaker, single, told Other Press reporters. “What we know about human ‘love’ is a combination of pheromones, codependency, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.” But if that’s the case, why continue to date? “Humans partner up for a myriad of reasons,” Menaker said. “Mostly cheaper rent, shared clothing, and spousal healthcare coverage.” Keeping all of that in mind, co- creators Annika Rhodes and Adam Marshall have created an app based not on love—but on hate. “When starting a new job, what’s the one thing you can instantly bond with the office over?” Rhodes said to reporters. “It’s not a mutual love of Chia Pets or morning jogs. No, it’s hating that bitch Cherie who always brings a tuna-based meal to work and stinks up the whole break room by microwaving it. Or bitching about your boss, who will trap you in a conversation for hours about his personal relationship information that you never asked about.” “What makes our app Rant unique is that it doesn’t focus on what potential suitors like,” Marshall explained. “It’s what they both dislike.” App users can select common pet peeves they hate—ranging from people who cough too much on public transit, to dog owners who let their pets lick their mouths, and anyone on or talking about their keto diet. “The greatest human bonding experience is sharing joy over something that just irks the shit out of you,’ Rhodes said. Besides peccadillos, users are also able to swipe left or right based on other users’ looks—with a twist. “Other dating apps encourage users to look for someone to spend the rest of their lives with, someone to slowly grow old and senile with. With Rant, users are encouraged to swipe right on others who they want to have unbridled, passionate hate sex with,” said Marshall. “The key to a good relationship is a good sex life,” Rhodes said. “And what keeps the spark alive longer than bangin’ someone you can‘ stand the sight of? It’s invigorating!” Other Press reporters interviewed couples who found the loves—or hates—of their lives on Rant. “Me and Bethany instantly bonded over our mutual hate for anyone who puts their change on the counter instead of in the cashier’s hand,’ J.B. Frankel said, holding hands with his girlfriend Bethany Photo IIlustrationby Lauren Kelly Chambers. “Why are they forcing the cashier to scrape money off of the counter? It’s downright demeaning!” “I met my partner Jamie through Rant and I've never been happier,” Jesse Wilson said to reporters, with partner Jamie Roy. “We both believe that we should never see a bare foot ina public setting. It instantly ruins our day. We're getting married in June, and everyone is going to be in full boots.” “We both hate Taylor Swift,” said doting couple Erika VanHousen and Anna Wong. “Try it out!” Rhodes said. “You have nothing to lose, but everything to hate.” Records show 2019 passing faster than any other year » Can't believe it’s 2020 already! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor tudies show that every single person in Metro Vancouver, regardless of class, race, and age, has uttered the phrase “I can't believe it’s March already!” in the past week. Are you one of the thousands of citizens who feels that 2019 is passing by in the blink of an eye? Other Press reporters spoke to renowned physicist Meredith Young about the strange phenomenon that is seemingly altering both time and space. “Tt just so happens that time is speeding up at a slow but steady pace,” Young explained. “It might not be noticeable at first, but it’s definitely there. That’s why many people might be thinking about beach bonfires while they’re lacing up their snow boots, or having visions of sugar plums while eating Easter chocolate.” Many people were shocked when, apropos of nothing, the calendar abruptly shifted from February to March. “Tt just came out of nowhere,” said India Hemming, schoolteacher. “It really took me by surprise. I’ve been writing January 28 on the board for the last four weeks and nobody’s said anything yet. Do you think we can petition the government for a couple of spare weeks?” “T still kind of think it’s 2018,” citizen Lawrence Rosenberg told press. “I’ve had to do the weird ‘switch-8-to-9’ thing ona bunch of cheques, and it looks crummy.” “Coming into 2019, I was two months pregnant,’ Julie Hoffman, expectant mother, said to the Other Press. “But my doctor said that because 2019 is moving so quickly, I should be due any minute. I think actually might be going into labour as we speak!” Think that March is moving fast? Young said people should really prepare to hold onto their hats in preparation for the summer of 2019. “People think that the summer season lasts around three months,” Young explained. “But what they don’t know is that the summer actually accelerates time and space, making summer seem about three weeks long. That’s why humans are able to make so many summer plans that never really come to fruition, and why summer clothing is so cheaply made—the clothes are only really supposed to last a week and a half” But why does this seem to happen every single summer? “Scientists aren't really sure, but they suspect it has something to do with the sun,’ Young said. “That’s why the Christmas holidays last approximately eight years and January is the length of three regular months.” To avoid being caught even further off-guard, Young recommended getting a head start on the inevitably approaching seasons. “Because we're flying through March at an alarming rate, people should start planning for Thanksgiving soon,” Young said. “It'll be August in about three weeks’ time, so thinking about New Year’s plans should be on people’s minds as well. And it wouldn't hurt to think about the 2026 Olympics, while we're at it.”