issue 10 / volume 41

Engineers tackle alcohol abuse on campus

G.R. Beck
Toike Oike (CUP)

Burs of chickens each year :
are forced to live in tiny :
cages and injected with growth :
hormones; tens of millions of — :
cows each year are confined to
concrete feedlots with no room
to walk around; but none of :
these industrial atrocities come :
even close to the inhumane
treatment and trafficking of
alcohol on campus.

Typically, alcohols such
as beer live in a comfortable
environment such as a beer
glass or stein such that they
are free to breathe and slosh
around with dignity. However,
with the industrialization of
the food and beverage services
in modern Canada, beer is now
being confined into tiny cans
and bottles with little to no air
or space to move around.

Some beers in captivity
can become so agitated that
they foam at the mouth when
released; because of this,
thousands of gallons of beer
fall to the ground every year
never to rise again. In fact,
agitated beers when released
have a1in 5 chance of going
overboard and losing their
head.

: Fortunately, the intrepid

: Faculty of Undergraduate

: Engineering is doing

: everything they can to take
on this travesty. Starting

: September, thousands of

: engineers across campus will
: be paying out of their own

: pocket to help release these

: captive beers from processing

 

: giants such as the Beer Store
: and the LCBO.

: They will not be
reimbursed for their efforts,
: these selfless heroes, and some :

will even be sent to jail by the
: government for attempting to
: free too much at once.

Other alcohol, such as

: wine and spirits, will not

: be forgotten either. Wine,
: typically kept in brutal :
: captivity in large quantities for :
: decades at a time, is released
: little by little by the average
: household.

This inhumane method

of splitting the wine apart

: several times over causes

: intense trauma and PTSD

: (post tannins stress disorder).
: Engineers are doing their part
: by releasing entire bottles at

: once.

Spirits, such as vodka

and rum, are kept in solitary

: confinement and rendered

: unable to socialize for

: extended periods of time.

: Engineers are helping to mend
: this delicate situation by

: mingling newly released spirits :
: with sodas and juices before

: sending them down into their
: new home.

Even released alcohols are

: not always safe from inhumane :
: treatment. At the end of

: every night, gallons upon

: gallons of alcohol released

: into temporary humane

: living glasses and solo cups

: go neglected and unfinished.
: Well-intentioned students

: attempting to free more

: alcohol from captivity than :
: they’re willing to house in their :

humour // 23

: stomachs, often do not realize
: the terrible mistakes they are

making until it is too late.
Almost always, these poor

: liquids end up down the drain,
: but fortunately the community
: of engineers on campus is

: more than willing make sure

: their comrades finish the job

: by cheering and shouting until
: no drop is left behind.

Engineers endure some

: of the most brutal schedules

: and workloads, but almost

: all of them are able to find

: time to coordinate and help

: free captive alcohols in large

: groups across the city. SUDS,

: an engineering pub located in
: the SF basement every Friday

: night, is a non-profit volunteer

organization where students

: can get involved and pitch in
: any way they can at the end of
: each week.

With any luck, the
universities will soon be able

: to recognize the selfless acts

: taken up by the committed

: engineers on campus and

: provide much-needed funding
: to help expand these projects.
: Less class and homework

: would also help.

Later starting classes too.
And fewer exams.

 

I'd take that class!

» College courses that should be things

Allie Davison
Columnist

Sick of taking real(ly boring) classes every semester? We explore
the courses that we’d actually like to take. Douglas College—take
note!

Excuses, excuses 1010:

Course Overview: Learn to weave a tangled web of lies that
only you can navigate.

Course Content: Daily tweets with great ideas for foolproof
reasons not to do anything you don’t feel like. Example: “Sorry,
I can’t write my essay by the due date because I traded my
ability to type with a witch for the ability to play sick beats on
the ukulele.”

Course Objectives: By the end of the semester you'll even be
able to get out of this class (but, like, why would you want to?).

 

Grammer Time

By Angela Espinoza, News Editor

Dear Mr Grammer,

| have always ben a very, very big fan of yours!
You're acting in things like Cheers and Fraser have
been inspirational to say the least! I've liked to
hope that maeby one day ! can be the incredible
actor you yourself have worked so hard to be. It
really is something to be proud of.

Thank yo for your time,

Sincerely,

Jimmy Babbles

 

Evidently, you are incapable of writing
anything devoid of vapid insipidness. No
period after the abbreviated mister? The
show was called Frasier, you incapable
twit. And exactly what “it” specifically
should I be proud of? I shall show you the
same respect you have shown me today,
Mr. Bubbles, and say good day!