issue 09 / volume 41 ‘T'll admit that I never foresaw the potential for sexting’ » A pretty hostile interview with the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell Sharon Miki Humour Editor 4 humour @theotherpress.ca ith all of the SnapChatting and Tindering and Grindring that’s going on nowadays, it’s hard for a modern Luddite to find someone to really take the blame for everything that’s wrong in the world. As such, when presented with the opportunity to interview the ghost of one of the most famous : inventors of communication technology—the inventor of the : telephone, Alexander Graham Bell—I immediately scheduled it into my PalmPilot. Here is a transcript of our interview: Sharon Miki: Hello, Mr. Bell. So, for starters—who do : you even think you are? : Ghost of Alexander : Graham Bell: I’m the ghost of : Alexander Graham Bell. : SM: Fair enough. Can you : please tell the readers of the : Other Press where they might : have heard your name before? : GOAGB: I’m assuming : that—as the one and only : inventor of the telephone— : your readers will recognize : meas the father of modern communications? : have heard of that, but... : GOAGB: Okay fine. Your : readers will know me because : they have probably had one : of my namesake phone plans : at some point, and have thus SM: Eh, some people might : probably cried out into the : depths of the night, “I hate : Bell!” while trying to get Wi-Fi. SM: That’s how I know : of you! So tell me: what : made you so interested in : communications? GOAGB: No. SM: [Raising an eyebrow sarcastically] ... Are you sure? GOAGB: Okay, fine, yes! : [ruined everything. And I'll : admit that I never foresaw the : potential for sexting. But how : could I have known that the : : joyous, giddy exchange of words : : over a line would turn into the : lackadaisical mass thumb- GOAGB: Well, my wife and Se eee aa : my mama were both deaf— : [pause] yes, it has been noted : that I might have some Oedipal : issues—so I would say that I : : had a lot of personal motivation : : to advance the study of hearing : : and speech and stuff. SM: Some might say that : you should have thought of all : that. GOAGB: But that telephone has done plenty of : good for the world, too! Think : of 9-1-1, calling your mom, : SM: Would you say that you : and not having to wait for days : were the harbinger of the end of : : : to read a response from your : romance? boyfriend about what he wants : for dinner later! humour // 23 : you've won a cruise when you : actually have not won a cruise? GOAGB: Yeah, that’s the : worst. SM: Or when your : boyfriend calls you to break up : with you, not even giving you : the basic human decency of : looking you in the eyes when he : tells you it’s over? GOAGB: That is also bad. SM: Whatever. I’m over it. : Moving on—if you could say : one thing to the young people : of today, what would your : message be? GOAGB: I would say, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I’ve SM: Uh huh, sure, but what done. about when you get those calls : from robots telling you that SM: Thank you. That’s all : I’ve ever really wanted to hear. Image from Thinkstock College Confessional... » Apartment showing with a show Kirsten Scott-Wuori Columnist Did you forget to wear a shirt today? Did you wear too many shirts today? Were you so hungry after lunch that you found yourself eating barely-trash Timbits from the cafeteria garbage can? Did you get your period in any memorable way? We want to know about it. We know that there are times in your life when you look at yourself and you can barely believe the shameful person looking back at you—but don’t worry! There’s absolutely absolution in sharing. Get it off your chest. Send us your most cringe-worthy confessions at humour@theotherpress.ca, and spread the shame. just graduated (finally!) and I will be moving home at the end of the month. When I gave my landlord notice, he immediately had the Craigslist ad up and viewings scheduled. I told him what times worked for me, and when I would be out, so to : just knock and if I’m not there he can just come : on in. When I got home after running errands : all morning I was happy to find the apartment : empty so I was able to shower and change. When : I finished in the shower, I put my hair up and a : towel around my waist and headed to the kitchen : to get some water—but I was not alone. I walked into the kitchen—with no top : on—to find my landlord showing a group of : college students all the great cupboard space. : I was horrified, I couldn’t even use the towel : around my waist to cover my chest—that would : be way worse— so I just turned and ran into my : bedroom. I guess my landlord had knocked, but : I didn’t hear it because I was showering. I quickly : changed and made a beeline for the door, not : making eye contact with anyone. Thank goodness I am done with classes and I won't have to see any of those people again. : —Sarah, 26, Burnaby Disney princesses can be role models, too... Sharon Miki Humour Editor 4 humour @theotherpress.ca Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy Cinderella as Mother Teresa, an actual saint.