Awful Advice ...with Aunt Agony that the only font of helpful advice in this newspaper comes from a “psychic” who deals with unreliable sources. Horoscopes are considered to be fun little distractions, but you shouldn’t take them too seriously. That’s why, I, your dear Aunt Agony, have compiled together a list of questions that several people have sent me. I hope you'll take my advice to heart, my dears. [: has come to my attention Dear Aunt Agony, I'm taking some summer classes at college, and I’m a little upset that I’m stuck in a classroom while other people are living it up at the beach. What can I Dear Summer, Look at it this way, you’re a grown adult now. The experience of being stuck in a overheated classroom will prepare you for your days as an “official” adult where you sit in a overheated cubicle and do deskwork all day long. So cheer up! There’s so much monotony in life to look forward to! Sincerely, Aunt Agony. Dear Aunt Agony, Are we safe from baby!? I know my girlfriend went out and bought the pill after the condom broke, but I don’t Humour. escape the wrath of “Baby” by Justin Bieber unless they get rid of their Internet connection. Sincerely, Aunt Agony. Dear Aunt Agony, Tell me something I probably don’t know! Sincerely, Imperative Command Dear Imperative, Those textbooks collecting dust on your bookshelf might be a great source of new information. Writing horoscopes ts actually a very profitable line of work. It’s better than listening to so-called “advice” from a washed-up old crone. Sincerely, Prophet of the Planets. Dear Prophet, Who are you calling “washed- up?” Your horoscopes haven’t been accurate in years! You didn’t study the constellation charts at Advisor School and you certainly don’t now! I’ve read your so-called “Horoscopes” and to me, they seem like just an excuse to revel in people’s misery while laughing all the way to the bank. That is, you do to make that feeling go away and my know! Help!? Sincerely, would be laughing all the way to summer more enjoyable? Aunt Agony. the bank if you actually had a dime. Sincerely, Sincerely, Possible Dad Dear Aunt Agony, Sincerely, Summer Schooled Aunt Agony. Dear Possible, The answer is no. No one can Look at you. Stealing my thunder. I'll have you know that my facts are accurate and I do get rich quickly. With files from Livia Turnbull Alberta shocks country by finding a political party ‘too conservative’ Political scientists: we did not see that shit coming. Like, at all. By Liam Britten, Chief Right-Wing Lunacy Editor through provincial politics across the nation, the Alberta provincial election ended with the most right- wing option not winning, somehow. The Wildrose Party, headed by Danielle Smith, dubbed “the Sarah Palin of Canada” was seeking to end over 40 years of Progressive Conservative (PC) rule in the province. Featuring a roster of candidates that counted anti-abortion activists, homophobic preachers, climate change- deniers, and outright racists within their ranks, the party seemed to be a shoo-in for Canada’s most reactionary province. Yet, it wasn’t to be. And research and polling after the fact is revealing that many Albertans, shockingly, were actually put off by the over the top views held by the Wildrose Party. “T consider myself a conservative, definitely,” said St. Albert resident Graham McGraw. “I believe taxes of any sort are basically slavery, life begins at conception, and I really don’t like the idea of foreigners living around here. [: a move that has sent shockwaves But those Wildrose folks... they just seem kind of crazy, you know?” Political scientists are flabbergasted that a political party like Wildrose couldn’t win in a province like Alberta. With veiled and explicit hints towards the practical elimination of the provincial government machinery and the return to a system of extreme laissez faire capitalism not seen since the 1920s, it would seem as though they had tapped into the very soul of the average Albertan. However, something simply didn’t click between the party and voters. Professor Donald Barry of the University of Calgary has several theories as to why this was the case. “First of all, the party was branded by the media as a bunch of raving, far- right lunatics who planned on basically crippling government's ability to do anything. The party said that wasn’t the case—and ultimately, that was their mistake. They should have embraced that extremist cred and run with it. That would have been bold,” he said. Barry also mentioned that the Wildrose Party may have also made a mistake by forgetting that Alberta also has non-white voters. Some Candidates for the Wildrose Party Who exactly were the candidates of the Wildrose Party, and what did they stand for? We examine a few here: Rick Strankman Drumheller-Stettler = The son of a family oil drillers, Strankman he not only opposes all environmental {4 regulations on Alberta’s oil and gas sector, but also proposed a bill for the Legislature calling for oil to be renamed “Jesus Sweat.” = cond Joe Anglin Rumbey-Rocky Mountain House-Sundre Anglin is part of the so-called “left wing” of the Wildrose Party, as he only favours capital punishment for 38 crimes, seven of which are misdemeanours. Drew Barnes Cypress-Medicine Hat Barnes once called television “Satan’s Puppet Show” and called for everything beginning with the letter “Y” to be outlawed. 23