210

 

ax

How to cancel people
who try to roast you

» Warning: these are cheap shots

EG Manilag
Staff Writer

 

or most of us, there are times when

we get roasted by our family, friends,
or even our loved ones. But it’s all good,
because the Other Press has got you
covered with these extremely useful tips
when you get confronted by your roaster.

But, before you try to counter anyone

who tries to roast you, make sure that you
have at least eight or more friends tagged
along in the conversation. That way, the
cancelling process will get even better,
more exciting, more fun, and long-lasting.
It’s not a roast without an audience.

Say “chew some gum”

What could be more annoying and
disrespectful than loudly and personally
handing someone some chewy mints
because their roast stinks? This

phrase would literally send the roaster
straight down into the murky depths of

embarrassment, especially when they
awkwardly try to smell their breath for
confirmation.

Say “at least I don’t have herpes”

One of the ways to disorderly change

the roasting is to say something from

the gutter, the subhead above being an
example. No doubt, this phrase is direct
and can make your roaster shocked and
weirded out—and make your friends even
laugh more.

Even if the roasted tries to explain
himself, which is not a really good idea,
he'll just get laughed at... hard. For sure,
he'll try to say this phrase: “Guys! I don’t
have herpes!” And then you'll say “Yeah, of
course you don't!”

Say “at least I don’t have a gristled
penis"

Say it loudly, like you're super annoyed,
and then quickly change your facial
expression—like you're super worried and

 

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M humour@theotherpress.ca

 

authentically regretful that you said those
words. Then add, “Oh, sorry, bro. I didn't...
I didn't mean...” This will absolutely make
you sound convincing to the audience,
transferring their intended laughs to the
roaster, and maybe the roaster’s chopped
up meat.

Roast yourself first

If everything seems to be going wrong

Ultimate kitchen hacks: Totally
legit recipe substitutions

» No one will ever notice the difference... or trust your cooking ever again

Caroline Ho
Web Editor

 

t happens to the best of us home chefs:
Youre halfway through following a
recipe when you realize youre missing one
key ingredient! Lamentably, your level
of adulting is not yet advanced enough
to always keep your pantry fully stocked
with all of the essentials. You could admit
fault for not reading the recipe fully before
starting—or you could use this as an excuse
to get creative and put your own unique
twist on whatever you're making with one
of these brilliant substitutions.

Unsalted butter

Why not try peanut butter instead? You
spread it on toast just like regular butter,
so logically it must serve the exact same
culinary function for all other cooking and
baking. Or even better, how about shea
butter! Like that haircare product your
roommate's girlfriend left in your shared
bathroom. According to the label it’s 10
percent real shea butter, so just add 10
times as much conditioner as you would
butter. That’s how math works, right?

Baking powder

Oh c’mon, I’m sure you have some kind of

unlabeled white powder kicking around
somewhere. Too valuable for this purpose?
Then how about weed—hey, it gets you
pretty baked.

Any and every spice

 

As far as your uncultured taste buds

can tell, spices are all optional and
interchangeable. Whatever the recipe calls
for, you can simply replace it with Sriracha
and/or store-bought butter chicken

 

¢ How to cancel people who try to
roast you

e Ultimate kitchen hacks: Totally legit
recipe substitutions

..and that's everything!

Illustration by Athena Little

because your friend is just a total late-night
show comedian, then the best solution

and the only one you'll ever get is to simply
roast yourself first. That’s right. You heard
me. Roasting yourself before anyone does
can ultimately save your butt from burning.
At the end of the day, the only thing you
can do if the roasting is really feisty and
accurate is quietly smile and die inside.

seasoning and/or all of the ramen sauce
packets you have kicking around from
every time you've eaten dry, uncooked
noodles straight from of the package out of
desperation.

Mushroom broth

Just use your own sweat and tears because
you yourself are such a fun guy! Get it? Fun
guy, fungi? Hahaha... no. Go pour yourself
a bow! of corn flakes, you schmuck.

Red wine

Hah, you think you keep that stuff around
to cook with? That’s rich (unlike you).
Just use equal parts rubbing alcohol and
grape juice. Bonus perk, you can feel like
a Prohibition-era, rum-running, ethanol-
swigging badass.

Pine nuts

Do you know how much those cost per 100
grams?? Look at Chef Fancy-Pants here,
what are you trying to do, make a three-
course pine nut salad, pesto pasta dinner
or something? Look, just pour yourself
another bowl of cereal before you get

too big for your figurative britches. (But
hopefully not your literal britches because
if you can’t afford basic kitchen ingredients,
you probably can't afford new pants.)