Scary movies for this Halloween

» Look no further for worn out horror film tropes

Ultimate kitchen hacks:

 

Illustration by Janis McMath

» You'll scratch something, at least

Caroline Ho
Web Editor

 

h, agood flaky, tender, delicately

cinnamon-y homemade pie, fresh
from the oven. What could be a more
classic sign of the autumn times? What
aroma could better fill your kitchen with
that distinctively buttery, perfectly spiced
fragrance? What better screams “I know
how to bake, I am a capable and fully-
functioning adult, I can feed myself and
moving out was NOT A MISTAKE MOM,”
than made-from-scratch pie?

Without further ado, here is an apple
pie recipe that is absolutely, a hundred
percent guaranteed to impress your friends,
family, and two Instagram followers—who
may or may not be bots. Unless you screw it
up horribly, in which case they’ll probably
make fun of you even more than that one
time you set the waffle iron on fire. Bake at
your own emotional peril.

Cooking time: You never actually read
this line, so who cares?

Serves: However many family members
are still brave enough to try your food

Ingredients:
For the crust:
1-4 cups all-purpose flour
Yatsp — salt
Ycup (stick) butter
4tbsp cold water
1cup misplaced self-confidence
For the apple filling:
6tart apples
acup sugar
1tbsp lemon juice
atsp cinnamon
% tsp nutmeg
150g longing for the childhood you
never had

Instructions

* Start with the pie crust. Youd always
thought they were complicated, but with
so few ingredients it’s bound to be super
simple, right? Easy as pie!

Chuckle at your pun for the next three
minutes.

Mix flour and salt into a large bowl, then
cut in the cold butter with a couple of
forks until it—

Wait, your butter’s not cold? You're one
of those heathens who keeps it on the
counter? Eew. Oh well, I'm sure it’s fine.
Cut it into the flour until butter’s kind

of pea-shaped and the mixture’s kind of
crumbly, like your fragile self-esteem.
Dump in cold water and half-heartedly
poke at the mix with a spoon until it looks
sufficiently doughy.

Chuckle at the word “doughy” for
approximately 30 seconds. Then
remember that some mean kid called you
doughy in second grade. I wonder what
she’s doing nowadays? Resist the urge to
look her up on Facebook.

Split your dough into two relatively even
lumps and squish them into disks. Wrap
both disks in plastic wrap and stick in the
fridge for at least an hour.

Meanwhile, time to start on the filling!
Peel, core, and thinly slice the apples.
Except now you're hungry, so feel free to
snack on an apple or two.

Oh gosh, too tart, TOO TART!
Compensate by shoving whole
tablespoons of sugar into your mouth.
Now you're short on apples and sugar. The
obvious solution is to quadruple the rest
of the filling ingredients. Mix

apples, sugar, and unholy quantities of
lemon juice/cinnamon/nutmeg into a
bowl.

+ Has it been an hour yet? Only 10 minutes?

Erin Meyers
Contributor

 

AirBNB: Bed N’ Blood (2019)

A group of college-aged students all
partake in full-frontal nudity. The subplot
of the movie features a collection of
friends going on a spring break trip to the
middle-of-nowhere with an acquaintance
they all failed to doa background check
on. The twenty-somethings (played by
thirty-somethings) are all too focused on
their own irrelevant relationship problems
to realize the evil afoot—an evil more
sinister than all the illegal reservations
and the lack of safety regulations that
AirBNB facilitates.

The Irritating (1980)

The Johnson family moves into a new
home at a bargain, not realizing that the
place is haunted. Unlike in most horror
films, this ghost is not vengeful, violent,
angry, or a little girl—it is simply the soul
of a person who was a horrible headache.
Watch the Johnson family struggle with
the ghost constantly derailing the family’s
conversations to talk about themselves,

Oh well, I'm sure it doesn’t actually make
a difference, plus you're kind of in a hurry
to get to your family gathering. Take a
dough disk out of the fridge and roll it out
on a floured surface—

Wait, you don’t own a rolling pin. What
are you, some kind of professional chef?
Just use a half-empty wine bottle instead,
you pleb.

Might as well finish that wine first
though!

Roll out dough, slightly intoxicated (you,
not the dough), into a circle about a third
of a centimetre thick and press into a pie
plate.

Except you don't own one of those either.
All right, rectangular loaf pan it is. It ll be
like a lasagna. Anyway, squish that sucker
down just like Dad squished your hopes of
going to culinary school.

Fill with your prepared apple mixture,
assuming you haven't eaten the rest of it
yet, then roll out the second dough disk.
Better crack open a new bottle of wine
while youre at it.

Drape the second crust over the filling,
like tucking in a blanket, or like how you
toss pants from
your pile of clothes
on your chair onto
your pile of clothes
on your bed. Stab
that top crust a few
times with a fork to
give it some air and
show it who's boss.
Were almost done!
Next—egg wash?!
That wasn’t in the
ingredients list, plus
you don’t have time
for that! Just crack
a whole egg on top,

eternally sniffling but never blowing their
nose, constantly clearing their throat
loudly, and always asking the meaning of
tv shows while everyone is just trying to
watch it. This psychological horror may be
too much for some.

Gratuitous (2010)

Plagued by her past, thirty-something
Jennifer Frightscare finds an exorcist to
release her from the demons she inherited
as a little girl. Filled with scenes offensive
to people of all faiths, cultures, and
ideologies.

The Devil is in My Tits (1999)

A black and white horror film from the
‘gos that features a young woman coming
of age and discovering her body, only

to realize that Satan is speaking to her
through her breasts. A metaphor for
promiscuity is supposedly to be found
somewhere in all the convoluted imagery,
confusing dialogue, and unnecessary
screaming. Cinematography is great
though.

It’s Hard to Follow (2015)
An arthouse film.

apple pie from scratch

shell bits and all.

Okay, now toss your questionably
shaped, under-stuffed pie-lasagna into
the preheated to 375°F oven—whoops, did
no one mention preheating the oven? Aw
crap, your family gathering’s in half an
hour, we don’t have time for this. Just turn
the temperature to 750°F and pop it in.
Sit in front of the oven impatiently for the
next 25 minutes, sipping straight from
your open bottle of wine, as the aroma in
your kitchen slowly shifts from homey,
heartwarming butteriness to moderately
hazardous burning.

Carefully remove your lovingly crafted,
artisanal delight from the oven. Uhh. At
least it’s “creative?” Your Mom described
all of your art projects in elementary
school this way, so it’s probably good.

Aw, screw it. Just bring half a bottle of
wine to the family gathering instead.