== Pa Sgr ae eee S oe Everything You Ever Wanted to Know Abou University, but Were Too Lazy to Ask A slacker’s guide to getting through first year Scott Lilwall, The Gateway (University of Alberta) EDMONTON (CUP) — Congratulations, you’ve made it. You’ve shrugged off the heavy chains of high school and sur- vived the banality of summertime employment. Perhaps you’ve packed all of your worldly possessions into a bag and moved clear across the country. Or, maybe you're still living at home, suckling greedily at your parents’ teat. Either way, you're here: a post-secondary student. This is a time of meeting exciting new people, discovering exciting new interests and finding exciting new places to drink. It’s a time to take that final step from the confusing wild of being an awkward high-school student into the monotonous meadow of being an awkward first-year student. Soon, you will realize that along with these fresh, tingly feelings is the burden of expectation that you'll actually need to work to obtain a degree. Having to write essays an midterms can be quite the harsh awakening for the new stu- dent. You came to college to avoid the real world in the first place, so what do you do when you find yourself faced with real academia? Some might think it’s time to buckle down and get to work, proving that you do in fact deserve a chance to study at university. But, that seems like a lot of effort. The other choice is to coast your way through the first year and pray that, by some miracle, you magically become a hard-working student by the time second year rolls around, rather than the useless, lazy cad you are now. Now, many of you might think that you have what it takes to successfully slack your way through the first year; some of you ate probably celebrated and accomplished high-school slackers. Well, unfortunately, that simply will not cut it in uni- versity. You’re in the big league now, and you’re going to need to bring your “A” material if you want to pull this off. Before we begin, it should be noted that this isn’t a guide on how to do well in your first year. There are many of those around already. This is a guide on how to coast through. By choosing the life of the university slacker, you will forfeit much: high grades, scholarships and awards, and the respect of your peers and instructors. But really, what’s all that com- pared to a few extra hours of sleep and video games? Let’s begin. A mind is a thing to waste The first step to successful slacking is to get in to what is referred to as the Slacker State of Mind, or SSOM. The SSOM is a place of peace, free from all worries, concerns and work ethic. It’s where we connect with the lazy lout within. Achieving the SSOM is a difficult process that can take upwards of ten minutes to master. Like every good state of peace and higher understanding, you need to get a good mantra going. Something short and sweet, with a little bit of rhythm and, if you can swing it, just a dash of assonance. My suggestion? “Centre on the credit.” You see, every slacker’s greatest enemies are his friends. Upon learning that you’ve decided to follow the righteous path of the lazy, well-meaning friends will attempt to lead you back to the cult of hard work. One of their favorite ways of trying to lure you back to the fold is the tactic known as “The Accountant.’ They will divide the cost of your course by the number of classes in a semester. The number they get will be expressed in cost per class ($/class), they will attempt to guilt you in to proper attendance. 4 @ THE OTHER PRESS SEPTEMBER 21 2006 Example: Cost of class = $450.00 Number of classes = 36 Equation: 450/36 = 19.50 (Or something like that. I skipped all of my Math 101 courses.) Solution: $/class = $20 (Your friend will always round up.) “Do you know that for every one of our Basket Weaving 110 classes you sleep through, you’re costing yourself $20?” The key to neutralizing this tactic is to focus on your mantra. Centre on the credit. Remember, you’re not paying for individual classes. You’re paying for the end result—a credit towards your degree. Remember, assuming that you pass the class, your credit will have cost the same tuition as the person who sat in the front row for every session. If you point out to your friends this fact often enough, and with the right amount of arrogant superiority, eventually they'll stop questioning your methods. It’s likely that they'll stop talking to you or associating with you at all. This works out perfectly, as it makes it easier for you to nap during classes without the distraction. Choosing your environment The most obvious example of choosing your environment is the act of registering for classes. You’ve got a wide variety of available courses to choose from and, luckily for you, most programs are forgiving in what you choose to take during your first year. Keep an eye out for introductory psychology, history and sociology classes. They’re usually quite large and held in lec- ture halls, and with advances such as the internet, most instructors of these courses put their notes and figures on the web, meaning that you don’t need to try and sweet-talk one of your fellow students into lending you notes at the end of term. Another advantage of those classes is that they’re in very high demand, and for that reason are offered at many differ- ent times. This will allow you to avoid the dreaded 8 a.m. class and find something that’ll allow you to wake up at a mote civ- ilized time, such as the mid-evening. If at all possible, avoid foreign language classes, drama classes and math classes. These courses, while intellectually stimulating, are generally smaller and have more emphasis on essays, exercises and assignments. English classes also are gen- erally smaller and require a lot of essays, but they’re a neces- sary evil. Luckily, many great works of literature have been turned into films, or at the very least, are referenced in films, so you might be able to get away with that. In addition to picking your classes, you’re also able to pick how you get to those classes and where you sit in them. The key to being a successful slacker is to remain hidden in plain sight. Just like the polar bear hiding in the tall snowdrifts, the lazy student must use their environment to blend in. However, unlike the polar bear, which waits for the perfect time to strike out at a tasty penguin (or whatever polar bears eat. I skipped my Biology 101 lectures), you’re hiding to make it easier to avoid work. Therefore, you must be unremarkable in everything you do. Do not be late for class, it draws the attention of not only your instructor, but also the entire class. At the same time, don’t be the first one sitting down—it makes you easier to spot. File in to the classroom about five minutes before class is scheduled to start. That’s when the bulk of people come in. Likewise, don’t sit at the back of the room. That’s where the people who don’t care about their education sit, and everyone knows it. Of course, by definition, if you’re a slack- er, you don’t care about your education. The difference is that right now, you don’t want people to be aware of that fact. Don’t sit at the front, either. Pick somewhere in t the room, perhaps off to one of the wings, wher attention is given. If possible, try sitting behind someone tall an makes it easy to avoid attention from the front of while at the same time looking like you just got u your seating arrangement. Clothing is another big thing to be aware of. ‘ seem generic, like the person in the crowd scene « T-shirts and jeans are always a good way to go. Ti with light blues, browns and greys; they are drab. esting, just like you are. Hats are generally a no-n they’re being used for another purpose. (See sleey Perchance to dream Most people know the basic technique behind fal class. But, since I can’t go back to my Playstation fill a certain word count, we’re going to do a shot here. The most common position for sleeping unn« class is known as “The Thinker.” It’s done in thre (Note: Reverse all hands if you are left-handed.) 1) Lean forward in the seat, with your left elbow the desk, at around 90 degrees. 2) Cup your head in your left hand, spreading the and thumb across your forehead. This will cup th your eyes, making it difficult to see that your eyes 3) Place your right hand on the desk, with a penc between your fingers. The grip on the pencil is o1 most important parts of the posture; you want m sure, looking as if you are ready to write. If the g light, the pencil will fall on the floor, giving you a grip is too tight, people will think you’re having a seizure. The Thinker is easy and it’s well known. Unfc that makes it easy to spot to the practiced eye of professor. To make your sleeping-on-the-sly just : sly, here are a couple of advanced tips. Hats: A baseball cap can be a valuable asset t room-napper. It can be used to keep your eyes sk view, even better than the hand method. But be ¢ noted before, you’re going to want to stay incons Make sure that any hat you use is generic. Blue is colour. Avoid reds and yellows. An alternative posture is known as the “Grea after the iconic founder of Judaism (or somethin skipped all of my Religion 101 classes.). The Bud crossing your arms over your chest, and leaning | seat. Place your chin on your chest, and sleep. A few advantages of this position are that it \ conspicuous than The Thinker, and the chin-to-c will cut down on snoring. Just make sure you are cap, or else your ruse will be found out in no tim These are the basic elements of a successful should go without saying that as your university « gresses, it will get more difficult. It will include c! professors expecting more work and critical thou you. Most of you will actually learn to put in a lit actually do what is expected of you, taking a littl in what you do. Then there will be the others, the slackers; a s you will be lucky enough to master advanced slac niques, tactics that must be learned...but can rar (mostly because those who know them are far to teach them.).