SS LE aT fiugust 2003 Apologizing for Modern Men: A Survival Guide Choppy David Lam Contributor You messed up big time buddy boy! So what now? Will you be absent from her good graces, not to mention other places? I have found myself in this same predicament on a num- ber of occasions, in completely diverse relationships, and all I find myself doing is...nothing. Nothing, but stare at those tender pouty lips, those moist eyes. How could I have been sooo heartless as to bring tears to these eyes of such a rare and beautiful creature? It is my betief, as a member of the male arsenal, (and Iam most certain that many females readers will agree with my sentiments) that MEN have a knack for saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and then making the situa- tion worse by trying to make up for it, by saying another wrong thing! And it is at this precise moment that I find myself scram- bling, in a firedance of guilt, like a rambling fool confessing to mistakes she was not previously informed of and there- fore unconsciously prolonging the emotional monsoon. I am of the opinion (welcoming any criticism), that the fundamentals of any relationship implies that you, as a male partner, have to acknowledge your “screw-ups” and respon- sibly say you're sorry, like it or not. (As was vividly illustrat- ed by several ex girlfriends, but that is another story) As a boy, and now apparently a man, I can make a bold stand and state that this contrition-concept of admitting fal- libility and casting away ones defensive brief to the wind, does not come with the greatest of ease. I say this from pure experience: you will feel better, great- ly disposed of stress and maybe just maybe get a little make- up mating (ahem, ahem!) from taking this courageous step. Saying that you are sorry doesn’t in the slightest fashion threaten your manhood. It does in fact, have an opposite effect. You have not treated her in a gentlemanly manner, but to apologize like a gentleman, my brothers, that is where true honour lies. It is not too late. The following are researched and practical guidelines extracted not only from various scientific findings but also from my experiences from past relationships. They are devised to prevent tragic and catastrophic relationship blun- ders, of which I have scars to show for. >Use the 3 R’s Responsibility: I know I hurt your feelings, baby. There is no excuse for my behaviour. Regret: I feel terrible that I hurt you. Remedy: I won't ever do anything else to hurt you again. “A sincere apology requires all the above,” states psychother- apist Beverly Engle author of “The Power of Apology’. >Keep it brief and to the point. Apologizing over and over seems disingenuous “Don’t go over the top” >Keep it honest! Believe me when I say she knows when you lie, so don’t even contemplate it—she is going to figure it out sooner or later. >Understand. Say the word even if you don’t mean it. (I am aware that this contradicts the honesty policy, but this is an exception.) “T understand how you were hurt.” Expressing empathy will show your caring enough to put yourself in her place, says Engel >Avoid Excuses. I find this the most difficult. We are all lawyers when it comes down to saving our own arse. If you start off your apology with “but” attached, that is all she will hear. “The more you try to provide excuses the less sincere your apology sounds” says Dr William Benoit, author of Accounts. Excuses and Apologies. >Prove it, just don’t blab. Search her eyes for honesty and look down for shame (works like a charm, not only with her). To avoid a burning right hook, which only appears during these tense situations, look anywhere but the TV. Avoid materialistic objects such as chocolates or flowers they may seem like a bribe. The quick thinking “Rap Sheet.” Enclosed below are suggestions made by experts for those dodgy scenarios you may find yourself in—when sorry seems to be the hardest thing to say, and as such may fail to carry the entire weight of the sin. >Called out the wrong name during sex?? “I temporarily lost my mind, I am soo sorry hun, I obvi- ously have some sort of a mental glitch. Please forgive me I only want to be with you”- Dr Judith Sherven clinical psy- chologist and co author of “Be Loved for Who You Really are . >You lied. She knows and not because she can see your nose growing. Say, “I don’t know why I lied; there’s no excuse for it”. Please men dont say, “I lied because I knew you would make a big deal out of it.” Believe me, she will be insulted. >If she catches you passing a glance at another woman. Say “I bet she isn’t half the special person you are,” (adding “half as good in bed as you” is optional.—Dr Ann Turkel >You forgot a special day. Dont pretend you had a surprise planned. Try to rectify the situation by adding an extraordinary effort. In the past, I have greatly depended on my romantic creativity— we all have it in us. Be spontaneous and dashing. >You cheated No excuses, nothing will justify your actions__not alcohol, not drugs, not bad lighting! Tell her you were wrong and that it wasn’t meaningful, and you will never repeat it again. “We want people to change their way of fixing things,” says Dr William Benoit. Explanations have to come in a separate conversation (I have sometimes completely buried it). Never ever blame her in any way. “Tread with utmost care and compassion, for a lady's emotions are delicate and fragile, and must be approached with the great- est respect.” Devilishly, Choppy http://www.otherpress.ca e the other press © Profile of a Male Slut Kerry Evans OP Contributor The first thing you need to know about a guy who never commits is that he looks like all the other guys. A good rule to follow is that if you always keep in mind that all men are pigs you usu- ally won't go wrong. Every once in awhile someone will surprise you and be a gem in the rough. But let’s get seri- ous; pretty much every guy under the age of 30 could be profiled as a male slut. Which is fine so long as you aren't on the short end of the stick. No one likes to be played. Male sluts often surround themselves with groups of women who they call their “friends.” Nine times out of ten, the male has slept with all of these girls and they all know and hate each other. They will put on brave faces and act real nice. Usually the girls aren't very nice to each other, so this is a really good tip. Male sluts will also try to find employment in a setting where they will meet a lot of girls really fast. These places could be nightclubs, strip clubs, being strippers themselves or even bar- tending at pubs. This gets them an easy in to make friends with the ladies. Lots of hugging and drinking will begin to take place and then the male slut will make his move. What kind of ladies does the male slut target? Sadly, anyone with a pulse could be a target. Usually if the lady is attractive and likes to party this makes the male slut happy at first. Then he realizes that after they have sex and he doesn’t call her that she is always around because she is a party girl. This annoys the male slut and then he makes sure that girl knows her place by having a lot of PDA (public display of affec- tion) with another girl in front of her. This makes the first girl sad and then she ends up going home with someone else that night, so really I guess every- one wins but it just doesn’t seem right somehow. The worst trait a male slut has is that he has no remorse. He can always find a way to make it seem like the girl is in the wrong by saying things like: “I told her I wasn't looking for anything seri- ous,” “She brought it on herself,” and the worst “She knows we were just friends.” The male slut will always have pals that back up these statements. These friends are also undesirables and should be avoided. When a man calls you sweetie, honey, baby, or babe in the first five minutes that is a pretty good indication that you should just run. Run as fast as your high heels will take you ,ladies. Remember if a guy ever uses the phrase “Hate the player, not the game,” you should then realize that somehow you signed up for the game and you should politely take your toys and go home. Page 13