issue 22 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

Your Horoscopes

> See what your destiny has in store for you, 50 per cent off for a limited time only!

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

H%: at the Other Press, we care
about having a consistent article
series that gives the Humour Editor

a break from having to come up with
six different pitches every week, so we
pay good money to keep a psychic on
retainer to make her job easier. Read
on to discover what the universe has
decided for you this time around...

 

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...

The universe is compelling you to go
to YouTube and type in “Thomas the
Tank Engine in Da Club.” Watch the
video. You will thank the universe.

ARIES a
(March 21 - April 20) é ne

This week, you may

wish to fulfill a lifelong

dream. Judging by the placement of the stars, you
probably shouldn't if your life-long dream is to visit
Mercury. Because it is too close to the sun. (Get

it? The “placement of the stars?” This is as good

as it gets, folks. This is fucking comedy gold.)

TAURUS He
(April2i-May21) © ™
You will notice this a
week that your mood

controls the weather.

However, this is true of every Taurus. The mixed
signals from roughly 1/12th of the population
will result in the weather remaining exactly the
same. So you might not notice it after all.

GEMINI *
(May22-Jume2.) et

The universe nearly ”
forgot you this week. e
This is probably your
fault. You must do , *:
something drastic to

recapture the universe’s interest.

 

     
   

  

EASTER DECORATIONS
ALREADY!? WHATS THAT
HOLIDAY FOR ANYWAYS!

 

 

By: L. A. Bonte

 

CANCER ee
(June 22 —- July 23) Mgr rreeeeeecennonnan " iam aapenenet “

You might feel very ambitious ra

this week. Good for you! fo

I wish I could remember
what ambition feels like. It
seems I lost it long ago, in the starry-eyed days of
my youth before the hard crush of reality squeezed
the life from all my hopes and dreams. Enjoy it
while it lasts, sweet Cancer; enjoy it while it lasts.

LEO ny
(July — August 23)

You should probably
change your name to Leo
for the sake of continuity.

 

VIRGO x
(August 24 - * f
September 23) at *

Last week, Sagittarius
did not get a

horoscope. This week,
it’s your turn. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

LIBRA ™
(September 24 - mee ;
October 23) 7

There is someone ina
parallel universe who
looks and sounds and
acts just like you, but is
somehow more successful than you. If this is hard to
hear, keep in mind that there is someone in another
parallel universe who looks and sounds and acts just
like you who is less successful than you, and someone
in another parallel universe who looks and sounds and
acts just like you who is probably about the same level
of successful as you are, but way less fun at parties.

ocseseceeees *« hay

SCORPIO ft
(October 24 - fe
November 22) r

I was going to say that * *«

your star sign shares a
name with the son of
a Harry Potter character, but it turns out the kid’s
name is “Scorpius,” not “Scorpio.” What this means
is that I should re-read Harry Potter, and that you're
probably going to see at least one bird this week.

 

ITS FOR THE DEATH AND
RESSURECTIONS OF JESUS) |

_— = #

     

 

 

  

SAGITTARIUS * * *
(November 23 - % ;
December 21) ‘

You did not have a
horoscope last week
because quite frankly last
week our psychic and
amateur astrologist was
not certain if you had a *
future. It turns out she

left the lens cap on her telescope whilst examining the
stars to read your destiny in the constellations. Our
business manager is becoming quite vehement in her
insistence that we should not be paying our resident
psychic a $10,000/week retainer for her services, but
that has nothing to do with you. You are good and kind
and in fact, quite cute! And our psychic assures us that
you do, in fact, have a future after all. Lucky you!

 

CAPRICORN —s—sS

(December 22 - rg

January 20) wom ’
ange

You need a nap. |
know this because I am a Capricorn and I need
a nap. I vote we sleep in until next week.

AQUARIUS
(January 21— eet
February 19) ee:

There’s a surprising amount aX *
of songs written about *

Aquarius; I can think hr case

of at least two off-hand * . * *
right now. My personal *

favourite is “Aquarius”

by Regina Spektor, and

I’m not even an Aquarius myself. What this means
for you this week is that you must confront your
personal demons and radically change the way
you live your life before it’s too late for us all.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

ee
Fish. *
x
i 4 *
¥ en ee .
Ft oe *
fee *
_—

 

 

 

A <a

 

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