Vancouver says no

» Entire city votes against change

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

na recent city-wide vote,

Vancouver has once again
voted no to any sort of change
taking place in our city.

All eligible Vancouverites
were sent a mail in ballot over
the past few months, with the
option to circle either YES or
NO, and send back to the city’s
municipal government. Of
the staggering 92 per cent of
eligible voters that responded,
a strong 80 per cent voted no.

What exactly they were
voting no to is still to be
determined, but many people
from both sides of the debate
are furious. We spoke to Charles
Brips, a dedicated advocate on
the no side and a self-proclaimed
keyboard warrior. “We don’t
need any sort of change around
here,” said Brips. “The city is
always trying to improve one
thing or another, using our tax
dollars to fund useless projects.

: I’ve had enough of it!”

Brips explained how he had

personally led the—online—

: charge during the heated transit

: referendum, and is planning

: an all out assault on those who

: believe the deconstruction of

: the viaducts is in the city’s best

: interest. When asked what he

: had against voting yes in the

: recent survey, Brips said: “It

: wasa trick. Just a piece of paper

: with a yes or no on it? What the

: hell is that? I probably would

: have been accidentally signing

: my house away to some wealthy

: business man in mainland China

: or something. You can never trust :
: this city todo anything right, so:
: you never give them the chance.’

Jess Runette, a resident

: of downtown Vancouver, also

: voted no in the latest mail-out

: vote. “I just didn’t get it. Like,

: why were they asking me, of all
: people? I didn’t want that kind
: of responsibility. Things that I

: don’t understand scare me, and
: it’s always just safer to say no,

: right?” While Runette did indeed:

 

: circle the no on her ballot, she
: was unable to figure out how

: to mail it back to the city, and
? still had it in her kitchen.

Greg Piper, a psychology

: professor from the University

: of British Columbia, explained

: the reasoning behind the recent
: mail in ballot: “It wasn’t a vote

: on anything. Let me rephrase

: that, it wasn’t a vote for any

: sort of change. If anything, it

: was a vote to see the general

: leanings of Vancouver. No one

: ever seems to want to vote yes,

: because no one wants any sort

: of responsibility, no matter how
: miniscule. A small tax hike, a bit

Image via thinkstock

: more traffic due to construction
: for a year or two—Vancouverites
> can just never seem to handle it.”

Either way, it appears clear

: that Vancouverites will continue
: to see their transit system half

: as productive, their electoral

: ballots half as important, and

: their glasses half empty.

 

Battle on holiday hill

» The war on Christmas has only just begun

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

November 13, 2015.

War. The great divider. Destroyer
of hope. Creator of borders.

It’s been a long November,

and we aren't even half-way
through this hellish bloodbath
of a month yet. Then comes
December... the true fight.

These are but skirmishes.
The enemy testing our defenses.
We've lost many a good elf, but
the factories are turning out
guns and ammo as fast as they
do toys nowadays, and we've
got the Red Guy on our side.

There was once a time
where the North Pole knew
no such thing as war. All lived
under the mistletoe and the
snowflakes, innocent.

How it all started has been
much disputed. They say it was
on us, pushing our beautiful
holiday down the throats of
others, but I say that’s bullshit.
We were attacked, damn it.

Besides, our Red Guy is the
true hero of the holidays. He is
the chosen one—the right one.
To think otherwise is lunacy. He
is out there, leading the charge,
brandishing a sharpened candy
cane and taking no prisoners.

He’s the one who brought

Mrs. C was captured, tortured,

: and eventually murdered, he
: slaughtered hundreds in a

: rage that could be heard all

: across these snowy hills. He

: painted the Christmas Tree

: Forest red that day, and has

; been on a rampage ever since.

We took a hard hit after that,

: it’s true. When they sabotaged

: the Starbucks Christmas cups,

: the one thing that fueled the

: factories of our industry, we were
: nearly brought to ruin. Many an

: elf thought he would be seeing

: his last December, that day.

But we rallied. We harnessed

: the true spirit of Christmas deep

: in our hearts. We looked forward,
: ever forward, to the gluttony

: and greed of turkey dinners and

: presents, and we forced a charge

: the likes that they had never seen.

On Holiday Hill we

: surrounded the would-be

: usurpers, cut off their supply

: lines, and waited. We feasted

: on roasted chestnuts and

: gingerbread cookies as the

: enemy starved. They continue
: to rain dreidels down on us

: from above, the nasty explosive
: type that can take an elf out

: in both knees and leave him

: screaming and bleeding out.

: But it’s only a matter of time.

: It’s only a matter of time until
: we will have destroyed the

: very memory of Hanukkah...

Drums. Drums

the snowmen to our cause. When : ™ the distance.

Baby Jesus help us all.
The Atheists have arrived.

Ee

Co _
rey — = oe gis

ee ee Caer
Sg a oe al
pe Aye |

 

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