Humour

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Rookie science reporter has no goddamn clue what .

a neutrino is

By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

rookie reporter assigned to the
Az desk of The Globe and Mail
as no hope in hell figuring out
what a neutrino is, so he’s just gonna wing
it.

Derek Chan, 28, has been entrusted to
write a story for the paper’s Wednesday
edition about the recent discovery by
scientists at the European Organization for
Nuclear Research (CERN) that neutrino
beams may indeed move faster than
the speed of light. He was to conduct
interviews with CERN spokespeople,

writing for a publication can give a man,
Chan bullshitted “one of the best articles
of my career.” Drawing on things he half-
remembered from Grade 11 physics and
a few Wikipedia articles, Chan described
neutrinos as “a subatomic particle which
has no electric charge and a mass slightly
larger than that of a proton” and “along
with protons, the building blocks of an
atom’s nuclei,” both attributes of a neutron.
Then, Chan rearranged the words of
University of Toronto physics professor
Joseph Thywissen into an article he could

_be proud of, and his editors would be too

bored to fact check.

“They kept talking all this science lingo, superfluid vacuums and tachyons and crap,
and I don’t know what that means. No one does! | just needed him to give me a
quote that wasn’t too long, ‘cause | hate transcribing.”

interview local physicists at the University
of Toronto, and update readers on what
scientists think these results could mean.

“Anyways, long story short, the U of T
guy was a total douche, kept talking down
to me, right?” Chan told The Other Press.
“They kept talking all this science lingo,
superfluid vacuums and tachyons and
crap, and I don’t know what that means.
No one does! I just needed him to give me
a quote that wasn’t too long, ‘cause I hate
transcribing.”

Mustering up his courage and the
knowledge that only three full weeks

“All [had to do was carefully massage
the story into something that any boob .
reading it would feel like a genius after
reading, even if they had no clue what
it was about or the veracity of the facts
contained within,” Chan said. “It’s called
journalism.”

Chan is hoping the story could be his
ticket to a bigger assignment.

“Honestly, I’m aiming to be on the
sports desk,” he said. “The Leafs are hot
again, and I hear Phil Kessler is scoring like
a madman.”

 

Dairy Queen releases new Cheeseburger Blizzard

Inaugural Savoury Sensations ice cream flavour combines dinner and dessert

ollowing a mandate to bring some

sizzle to the cold, Dairy Queen Canada

announced today that the latest Blizzard
flavour will be the Cheeseburger Chill.

“The Cheeseburger Chill is literally the
most delicious thing ever,” says vice-president
of tastiness Anna McTreat. “It’s the perfect
blend of everything that everyone wants to eat.”

The Cheeseburger Chill Blizzard marks
a break from the dessert-palate norm with a
combination of vanilla soft-serve ice cream,
ground beef and cheddar cheese. The new
flavour will hit stores November 29.

The Cheeseburger Chill is the first in a line
of “Savoury Sensation” flavours, which will
combine elements from Dairy Queen’s Hot
Eats menu selections with Blizzard ice cream.
According to McTreat, DQ will release a new
Savoury Sensation every month for the next
year.

The new Savoury Sensation campaign
shows a dramatic turn for the restaurant, who
traditionally created Blizzard flavours based
on sweets and candy. Spokespeople for the
company commented on the November release
of the product, citing customer demand for new
ways to eat ice cream year-round.

“Dairy Queen Canada couldn’t be more
excited about our inaugural Savoury Sensation,
the Cheeseburger Chill Blizzard. What could

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be more mouth-watering than ice cream and
burgers?” Says McTreat, who adds, “Also, by
combining dinner and dessert in one tasty cup,
we are providing our customers with a time-
saving benefit.”

 

 

 

Dear Animals,

This letter is for
the Animals, who live out
back, those squawking / quacking /
chattering animals who are always
waking me up —

this letter is for
the Crows, who have
moved into those
big, green,
luscious, pine trees,
and who
love love
love
to crow/caw/ call,
and wake me up
at six in the morning
on a Saturday;

this letter is for the
Ducks, who stand
beside the swimming
pool, and who
Just Can’t Stop
loudly / harshly / piercingly
discussing if the chlorine
would be
bad
bad
bad
for their feathers;

and this letter is for the
Squirrels, who are
always, always, always
running / playing / giggling
in those great,
emerald,
bold and beautiful
pine trees, that are
ri
gh gh
tt
outside my bedroom window —

so, I ask you/
I beg you/
Iimplore you/
to please,
pretty please,
(with a cherry on top)

Just
Shut
Up!

Sincerely,
Allie Davison

Apt 412
Holdom Place