SkyTrain rally > Who's going to be today’s big winner, folks! Chandler Walter Assistant Editor WwW: ladies and gentlemen, it is a gorgeous day out here at the Waterfront Station raceway, as our racers are lined up and raring to go for what is sure to be quite the spectacle! In a black suit and tie, well- worn slacks, and a look of sheer determination, we have the Businessman leading the pack in a prime starting location: standing directly in front of the SkyTrain doors. Beside him awaits the lovely Woman with Groceries, and we know from past races that she will stop at nothing to be in first place at the finish line. Following shortly behind them we have Longboard Kid, Mustache Guy, and Girl Student, all eager to show what they've got and prove themselves worthy of the fabled trophy. And with the chimes of the SkyTrain they are off! Businessman quickly takes the lead, using every ounce of shoulder width he has to keep those behind him from trying to pass. That is not going to stop Woman with Groceries, however, as she swiftly speed walks by and is the first onto the escalator! We have never seen such a start here, folks! A short break from the action as the escalator is clogged... OH MY LANTA! Longboard Kid has made the unprecedented move to take the stairs and is now neck and neck with Woman with Groceries for first place! They're off the escalator now and it is anybody’s race. They're coming up on the first of the Compass Card fare gates and in a heartbreaking turn of events Mustache Guy has lost his Compass Card, putting him out of the running for the grand prize. Everyone but Mustache Guy has made it through the gates, so now the real fun begins. An open expanse of space to pass, and various distractions looking to stall our walkers. Girl Student is nearly stopped by the thought of a Starbucks drink, but continues on in third place. They are coming up on the second fare gates now, and this could make or break the standings. Longboard Kid makes it through, and Woman with Groceries is NOT EVEN TAPPING IN! She somehow just slid in right behind Longboard Kid during his tap and is now hot on his tail! We have conferred Have an idea for a story? WM humour@theotherpress.ca >i with the judges and it’s been decided that it was a fair (though illegal) maneuver. These racers are really giving it their all. And oh no, after such a promising start, Businessman has found himself stuck behind a stroller. That’s going to put him out of the running. We are at the last stretch now and it is too close to call; (¥ Bus driver causes chaos by asking everyone to move to the back of the bus (¥ Exhausted Douglas student sights God outside Subway (¥Y Exciting new Clown-Hunters Club! And more! these commuters are neck and neck coming up to the finish line, and oh what a finish line itis. The Millennium Line SkyTrain, with doors open, an empty seat, and a ticket home for one lucky contestant. They are scrambling down the stairs now, and it looks like it is going to be Woman with Groceries to make i—WAIT Revelation that Hillary Clinton is kind of okay upsets many > Voters from all sides of the political spectrum appalled by her overall decency Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor Hi Clinton is once again caught ina controversy, as audio from a private conversation with campaign donors in February has been made public. The shocking content has disturbed many, as in the recording she expresses her true feelings regarding Bernie Sanders supporters. To quote: “Some are new to politics completely. They’re children of the Great Recession, and they are living in their parents’ basement. They feel they got their education and the jobs that are available to them are not at all what they envisioned for themselves. And they don’t see much of a future. [...] So that is a mindset that is really affecting their politics. And so if youre feeling like Image via huffpost.com youre consigned to, you know, being a barista, or you know, some other job that doesn’t pay a lot, and doesn’t have some other ladder of opportunity attached to it, then the idea that maybe, just maybe, you could be part of a political revolution is pretty appealing. So I think we should all be really understanding of that and should try to do the best we can not to be, you know, a wet blanket on idealism.” Her understanding of the Bernie Sanders phenomenon and general willingness to help younger voters (or at least listen to their issues and concerns) has incurred the wrath of many with base-level typing skills and access to the internet. “This is BULLSHIT,” said one commenter, username $$GaryJohnsoni6$$. “She’s so PATRONIZING. You can just hear the PANDERING Image via Thinkstock ONE MOMENT! Longboard Kid comes out of nowhere and gets through those doors right at the chiming of the train! He has done it! HE HAS DONE IT! What a race folks, and what a finish! Tune in next week to see if your favourite commuter makes it to the train on time, or if they experience the gut-wrenching failure of defeat. dripping out of every WORD. Voting third party for SURE. #W hatBernieWould Want.” “It’s just further proof that, you know, she’s pulling out every dirty trick in the book to try to get elected,” commented Trump supporter Guy White on his Facebook page. “Trying to get into the minds of voters, figure out what they want—trying to give them what they want. It’s disgusting. Totally should disqualify her from being president.” Meanwhile, Donald “I moved on her” Drumpf has been tied up this past week in a court case involving the alleged rape of a 13-year old girl—oh, well, it looks like we've run out of space.