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Humour

 

Accessible exercises for the modern paranoid citizen

By Joel MacKenzie,
Modern Paranoid Citizen

Gometning cataclysmic
is going to happen
soon. Look at the world
we live in: filled with
diseases, war, meteors,
terrorists, bombs, govern-
ments, and YouTube. In
all likelihood, we’ll be
facing the extinction of
the entire human race
within our lifetimes. The
only rational ways to
react to these possibly
threatening situations
is to (1) consider what
could go wrong, (2) try
to warn the sheeple,
and (3) be prepared
for everything.
However, if you're

You(ii)Comedy Classics

Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit

 

like how I was, you’re
afraid that this newfound
awareness will interfere
with your active lifestyle.
It doesn’t have to.

Below are a few of my
favourite exercises that
coincide with heightened
awareness of bombs, bird
flus, heart conditions,
earthquake likelihoods,
kids with guns, and
terrorism.

Aerobic

Aerobic exercises are
meant to make your heart
healthier. Running and
swimming both take too
long and cost too much to
do regularly. Instead, try
simply focusing on one
of the strongest fears in
your mind at any given

By Joel McCarthy, Graphics Manager

The Internet ts full of comedy gold, and nothing glitters brighter than these

hilarious forgotten YouTube comedy classics.

“The best compilation video on YouTube?” I think this could very
well be my favourite video on YouTube. When life gets you down,
sometimes instead of binge eating, crying yourself to sleep, or abusing
copious amounts of drugs to pass the time, all you really need is to

moment. Your heart will
pound and if you're like
me, you'll start to sweat
too. Try to concentrate
on the fear for an hour.
You'll probably have
to make the imagined
situations worse and
worse. To add to that,
you'll need water.

I’ve had the best
experience focusing
this fear on something
common, like eating.
I went years without
a complete meal, but
a healthy heart. More
recently, I’ve focused it
on sleeping.

Anaerobic

These are exercises meant
to increase muscles’
strength. As a man who

loves sprinting, I like
to use this technique:
wriggle to the middle of
a crowd of individuals in
a city or a mall. Practice
sprinting as fast as
possible from the inside
to the outside of the
group, or perhaps from
one group to another.
Nothing beats the
true fear and agility
involved in real-life
Frogger. Dart into streets
and jump out of the way
of cars. Just make sure
to get in front of them
fast: drivers that see you
are more likely to slow
down, or report you to
the THOUGHT POLICE.
These exercises can be
easily made much harder
while wearing your

emergency backpack,
field boots, or shit-hits-
the-wall fanny pack.

Flexibility

Flexibility exercises
work on increasing
muscles’ range of
motion. There is really
no alternative to yoga.
Practical yoga moves
can be incorporated into
everyday situations.
Duck and cover in child’s
pose; duck and cover in
corpse pose; duck and
cover in reclining hero
pose; or even duck and
cover in Marichyasana I.

There’s always time for
exercise, and to run more
drills.

The Adult Video News awards show hype
Come for the show, stay for the climax

By Dominic Dutt, Pornographic Film Critic

othing brings more excitement for an actor than when
they’re being recognized for their craft. Forget the

Academy Awards; the biggest awards show of the season wasn’t
the one with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or Sandra Bullock in
attendance; none of them showed up on the red carpet for this
one. Of course, I’m referring to the 2012 Adult Video News
(AVN) Awards!
For those who don’t know or maybe haven’t figured it
out yet, the type of films that the AVN deals with are ones of a
rather pornographic nature.
For the actresses in the porn industry, this awards show is
a huge deal. Those who get nominated are usually filled with
anticipation, with most on the verge of a heart attack before
their names are even called. Once a winner is selected, tears of
joy start to drizzle, with relief and disbelief being the two most
common emotions.
One famous porn actress, Eva Angelina, took home the
award for ‘Best Actress of the Year.” Through a waterfall of

joyous tears, Angelina’s acceptance speech was heart-warming.
“I’ve been waiting for this moment for the last four and a half
years. I would like to thank the AVN for making all of this

happen and Bo Kenny for taking my sexy pictures.”
Another emotional winner was Azia Kira, who won the

award for ‘Best Backdoor Performance,’ telling the crowd, “1

watch one of the greatest YouTube videos of all time: Nicholas Cage

losing his shit. This video is a beautifully crafted montage of Nicholas
Cage’s attempts at winning Academy Awards with Requiem for a

feel like I’m dreaming right now.”

So, this is the AVN Awards show. Until today, I did not
even know there was such a thing. This made me wonder:
what exactly does a porn star need to do to accomplish an AVN
award?

With so many performers becoming involved in the porn
industry, winning an AVN Award is a huge honour. It’s a
business that brings in $14 million annually, proving how

Dream in the background—who knew this mash-up was a recipe for

laughter?

seriously people take this industry.

So, should I quit school and start a porn business? Nah: on
second thought, I’ll stay in school. Being filmed nude really isn’t
my thing, though I do love to watch it.

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