issue 09 / volume 41

So you want to pretend you're on

‘The Big Bang Theory’?

» Closed Captioning Karaoke takes Normcore to regular new heights

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

ave you ever wondered

what it’s like to make a
smart comeback like Abby
Sciuto on NCIS? Do you
fantasize about impressing
your friends with a classic
Sheldon-from-The-Big-Bang-
Theory zinger? Then you might
be up fora night on the town
at Coquitlam’s newest mom-
approved nightspot—Closed
Captioning Karaoke Bar.

“I’ve spent a lot of time
in Japan...ese restaurants
in Coquitlam, so I do
definitely fancy myself a bit

: of anexpert on popular Asian:
: entertainment. But I tried going :
: to karaoke here, andit wasall :
: just people singing! So stressful:
: and also boring. Then it dawned :
: on me: not everyone loves :
: music—but everyone loves

: Modern Family. So I figured I'd

: give the people what they want,”
: explained Closed Captioning

: Karaoke owner, Leroy Gibbs.

The bar has a unique

concept: patrons come in, order
: French fries and soda pop, :
: and then take turns reading

: the lines of characters from

: their favourite television shows
: from a TV monitor with closed

: captioning enabled. You can

: gather a large group to read

: around the table for a large-cast
: show, or—if you dont really

5

lam not Tel My eto had me,tested.

 

have any friends—you can just
: read all of the characters’ lines
: to yourself like a crazy person.

“I always thought I was

a better actress than Kerry
Washington,” said Closed
: Captioning regular, Sheryl

: Whatshername. “Now I can

: prove it to my friends—over

: and over—while they’re trying
: to have lunch!”

: has garnered a cult-like
: following of patrons who

Indeed, Closed Captioning :

humour // 23

: are eager to recite lines from
: their fave shows in public.

: Unfortunately, despite being
mw: filled to capacity most days,
: Gibbs admits to some early

: struggles the business has
"|: experienced.

“Well, we're always pretty

: full I guess—but it takes a

: lot longer for people to get

: through a few complete one-

: hour drama shows than it does
: for them to get through a few

: Journey songs like at regular
Image courtesy CBS ; karaoke. So we have to turn
: a lot of people away. Also,

: reading zombie moans from
: The Walking Dead doesn’t

really encourage people to

spend much money on food

: : and drinks.”

 

College Confessional...

» ICBC weight times

Kirsten Scott-Wuori
Columnist

Did you forget to wear a shirt
today? Did you wear too many
shirts today? Were you so
hungry after lunch that you
found yourself eating barely-
trash Timbits from the cafeteria
garbage can? Did you get your
period in any memorable way?
We want to know about it.

We know that there are times
in your life when you look at
yourself and you can barely
believe the shameful person
looking back at you—but

don’t worry! There’s absolutely
absolution in sharing. Get it off
your chest. Send us your most
cringe-worthy confessions at
humour@theotherpress.ca, and

: spread the shame.

his week I had to go renew
my driver’s licence. Now

: most people would agree that

: the photo is the worst part,

: and don’t get me wrong, I have
: had some beauties over the

: years: the sweaty looking one,

: the double chin one, and of

: course the one where I wore no
: makeup and people question if
: it’s me. Priceless. So this time

: I was ready with my hair and

: makeup done, I wasn’t rushed

: or sweaty—I thought I was

: prepared.

The curveball they threw

: me this time wasn’t the picture,
: but the personal information

: on the card: name, address,

: birth date, hair and eye colour,

, Secs
oBrii

: ; LEE,

JANE

 
  
 
 
 
  
   
  

Restrictions:

Class: 5

Sex:F

: weight. Consistently when I

: have gone to renew or apply for
: anything with ICBC I get a nice
: man who asks me to verify the

 

Endorsements:

DL:1234562 :

issued: 2012-Nov-30 08: 1987-Apr-06 :
. Expires: 2077-Nov-30

21

lm Bian: A No

Well this time I get a
woman, and when I hand
the sheet back she takes one
: look at the weight I have just
certified as correct (50 kg)

: and hands it back, informing
me that I should update the

: : weight. Ouch. Because I had
: no idea what my weight was in

: kilograms (why would I need to

RITISH

we51.0kg HEI75 cm COLUMBIA

Eyes: BLU

$10 GOVERNMENT STREET
VICTORIA BC ew 3v¥8

Hair: BRN

Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy :
. : my mind.
: above info, I pretend to read

: jt over and I then tell him that

: yes, it is all good (including my
: weight from high school).

: know?) I had to tell this woman
: my current weight—I was too

: scared to lie again—and she did
: the math for me (yay), in front

: of acrowded waiting room.

Needless to say, this time
the picture was the last thing on

—Jessica, 27, Vancouver

 

   

You cAN'T
PINE FOREVER.

a 8

PUNa3. Tum BLA

By Sarah Walker