humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

People I can do without: Douglas Edition

» A list of people whose very presence is hazardous to your GPA

Alex Stanton
Staff Writer

i. this, the third edition of my
column dedicated entirely to
the listing of living, breathing pet
peeves, we're going to wind down
a little and place this list on more
of a local level.

We've established that
Vancouverites of just about
every type are boring, poorly-
dressed snobs. We’ve shown
the stereotypical millennial—
militantly anti-theist, perma-
stoned, and addicted to
documenting every event on their
phones—the error of their ways.
We've even made sure to remind
ourselves of why—and just how
much—we hate the infamously
unfunny The Tonight Show host
Jimmy Fallon.

But let’s be realistic fora
moment here. When are any of
us going to encounter Fallon at
Columbia SkyTrain station, or
witness him strolling around
Lafarge Lake? Hopefully never.
But, I digress; here’s a list of those
whose existence makes life at our
very own Dougie Daycare funnier,
more difficult, or downright

: annoying.
: 1. People who pay for
: everything in change:

If there’s one type of person

i | really don’t like to see in front

: of me in the 12 items or less

: checkout line at the grocery

: store, it would be old ladies. For

: whatever reason, they don’t like

: to carry around large bills, and

: heaven forbid they attempt to

: decipher this frightening, new,

: plastic technology. That being

: said, say what you want about the
: old ladies—at least they have an

: excuse. Sally the Student, picking
: through her change in the

: cafeteria line because she doesn’t
: want to have to break a $10 bill
has no excuse whatsoever.

If you take more than 15

: seconds paying for your double-

: double and long john, this might
: be you.

2. People who smell offensive:
: Really, I can do without these :
: people in just about any situation, :
: but I can't help but be genuinely:
: curious as to how someone fresh
: out of high school comes to class
: smelling like they bathed in sour
: milk. It’s just so easy to smell

: awesome, and washing yourself

: feels excellent after a hard day.

: This doesn’t just apply to those

: who don’ bathe, though. ’'m

: including those of you who bathe
in Axe Body Spray.

If, despite the fact that you're

: a decent person, nobody wants to
: be your friend, this might be you.
: 3. High School kids who

: smoke:

This is the anomaly of the

: list, because you wont find this

: category of people in classes

: alongside you... But I can assure

: those of you who attend classes

: at the David Lam campus will

: encounter them more often than

: youd like. They can be commonly
: spotted buying food from our

: vastly superior, White-Spot-

: branded cafeteria. But if you want
: the main reason you see children

: walking around a learning

: institution for adults, I’ve got

: two words: smoke pit. They'd be

tolerable if most of them weren't
there to bum smokes.
If you’ve acquired this issue

: of the Other Press by trespassing
: onto the property of a learning

: institution that is not your own,

: this might be you.

 

Image via thinkstock

 

HORRORSCOPES

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

| ies the mystic. Iam the teller
of great truths. I harness the
giant rocks in the sky. They
whisper to me your future’s
secrets. I will share them with
you if you're willing to pay the
price of foreknowledge. Yes?
You were warned.

LIBRA

SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 20
A burnt-out lighthouse guides
your way. Invisible barricades
are at every turn. Allow yourself
to wallow. Mars aligns with
Neptune, and your reckoning is
at hand.

SCORPIO

OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21
One day soon, you will wake up
and the left of your peripheral
vision will be blurry. You will
think nothing of it. The blur
becomes a shape, a faceless
figure clad in translucence. You
will never fully see the figure; it
will dance in the left corner of
your vision no matter where you
look. But you will always know
what or who it is, deep down in
the darkest void of your heart.

SAGITTARIUS
NOVEMBER 22—-DECEMBER 21

: Be wary of friends, especially

: those closest to you. Your family
: is not who you believe them to

: be. This is not a good time to

: take chances. Lay low. Avoid

: the sunlight or outdoors, where
: you might be seen. Their plot

: thickens. Saturn knows. Saturn
: always knows.

: CAPRICORN

: DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19

: A trip in your future goes

: massively awry. You lose

: something... or someone. Plan
: for the worst, though know

: your actions cannot sway the

: constellations from the course
: they have set for you.

: AQUARIUS

: JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18

: The blood moon, swollen and

: red, foretold your fate. Hold your
: loved ones close. You haven't

: much time.

: PISCES

: FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20

: Some day soon a leg joint will

: start clicking with every step.

: You live with this for the rest of
: your life.

: ARIES

: MARCH 21-APRIL 19

: Acult is waiting for you, whether
: to join or lead it is uncertain. To

: lead means corruption, to follow
? means certain death. A red sun

: rises over Jupiter, and your fate
: has been sealed.

: TAURUS

: APRIL 20-MAY 20

: That ex of yours, the one who

: visits your dreams every so

: often to remind you of the part
: of yourself that they stole, is

: getting married soon. They will
: be happy.

: GEMINI

: MAY 21-JUNE 20

: There is nothing foretold of you
: by the all-knowing space rocks.
: You have been cast aside by their :
: power, let loose from the binding :
: path of fate. What happens next :
: is up to you. Step carefully.

: CANCER

: JUNE 21-JULY 22 :
: The fourth last person you spoke :
: to holds more of your fate in :
: their hands than youdo. They —:
: will abuse this power. You will let :
: them. Your life will never truly

: be your own from this moment

: on. Pluto will gain its vengeance.

: LEO

: JULY 23-AUGUST 22

: A fog lays over your future, asa
: mist over a cemetery in the cold
: hours of morning. Venus points
: you towards the ocean. What

: you might find there is unknown :
: to all but an older you.

 

: VIRGO

: AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22

: You will have loved, and lost,

: and then have loved again; the

: potential for another loss is

: determined by your relationship
: with the stars. Gaze upwards,

: Dreamer, and remember.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TODAY

: Dedication reaps little
: reward, All hard work and

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: determinations turn to ash. Toil,
: fight, and climb the uphill battle
: of a disintegrating body, mind,

: and soul.

: You are one year closer to

: returning to this universe as

: spontaneously as you came into

: existence.

: Make the most of it.

: P.S. Happy Birthday!