The ‘Other’ News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com George W. Bush declares embargo on Cuba “a complete success” “Sa Ity” Liam Britten resident all-star WASHINGON, DC—President George W. Bush has declared that the resignation of Fidel Castro shows that the US embargo on Cuba has been effective. “My fellow Americans, we have just won another great victory against the evils of Communism,” Bush said in a televised address. “All it took was a mere 48 years and the investment of millions of dollars, but America is now safe from the threat of a tiny, near-broke nation exporting Communism to our shores.” The embargo, instituted after Castro seized the assets of US companies like the United Fruit Company and forced their operations to pay fair wages, is currently the longest-running trade embargo in the world. Under the terms of the embargo, US citizens and corporations are forbidden from spending or receiving any money from Cuba. The embargo has been criticized for preventing humanitarian aid from reaching the country, interfering with the affairs of a sovereign nation, and putting the needs of US corporations above citizens of a developing nation. “I’ve heard people say that the embargo is there just because these companies have given politicians so much money in the past,’ Bush said. “But that’s not true; it’s simply not the American government’s job to tell people how to treat workers. It is our job to tell people what to do, what to think, what to say, what to feel, who to love, how to fuck, and what they can or can’t do with their bodies. How you treat dirty foreigners is not up to me. Telling people to respect the rights of the poor infringes on the rights of corporations to get rich as hell.” Castro’s resignation means the end of the longest-serving head of state in the world. His policies, while harmful to the needs of foreign companies, have brought Cuba from a third-world nation to the most prosperous sovereign nation in the Caribbean. He is seen as a hero to many in Latin America for what he has done for the poor in his country. “Castro is an evil man, he is a threat to America,” Bush said in his address. “T mean, let’s face it, any time a country way, way more broke than us has free health care and education, it makes my government look really bad.” Castro resigned after as long illness, and submitted his resignation in an open letter to the people. Castro closed his correspondence by saying, “This is not my farewell to you. My only wish is to fight as a soldier in the battle of ideas. I shall continue to write under the title, ‘Reflections of Comrade Fidel.’ It will be another weapon you can count on. Perhaps my voice will be heard. I shall be careful.” President Bush was quick to dismiss Castro’s new intentions. “Writing? He’s going to read and write now? What a pussy,” Bush scoffed. “Everyone knows books are for dorks and gaywads. That’s why I don’t read; I’m no pussy. God bless America, and the world’s poor can blow me!” Cupid sued for failure to deliver By Siavash Emamzadeh Biex days after Valentine’s Day, a local Vancouverite has filed a lawsuit against the holiday’s most beloved representative. Tom Cambell has elected to claim damages for a personal trangression he says “Cupid,” or Brian Valentino as he’s legally known, commited last week. The suit alleges that Cambell met early with Valentino in an unidentifed bar on Valentine’s Day, 26 whereupon Campbell requested that Valentino “aid him” in alivating his solitary status. Further documentation reveals that following a thorough discussion, Valentino promised Cambell that he would utitilize his “extraordinary privileges” to endear him to a woman. At approximately 5:30 pm later that day, while at work and in a woman’s presence, Tom Cambell awaited Valentino’s arrival and presumed romantic assistance, but neither occured. In doing so, Campbell claims Brian Valentino bypassed the obligatory and promised conditions of their legally- binding pact. Traditionally, Valentino has only taken romantic requests by mail and even then only ultimately accepts very few, based on urgency and conviction. It was_ this matter that Brian Valentino addressed at a February 23 press conference. “Roses are red, violets are blue, Tom is lying and he’s fooling you,” he began. “My dear lovers, I would never lovingly decline a loving request for love in person... love,’ he added, garnering cheers of adoration from _ reporters. But the adoration was not unanimous. “Mr. Valentino,” one apparently discontented reporter asked, “you still haven’t accounted for why Mr.Cambell has “A professional matchmaker, Cupid has been credited with innumerable fix-ups.” papers proving that you were indeed at the bar in question and indeed made the promise.” In response, Valentino proceeded to use one of his bows to play a pink violin to the tune of a familiar love song, at which point the reporter’s protests quickly faded amidst a sea of jeers. Campell later denounced Valentino’s comments. “I’m fooling you? He’s fooling you!” he declared angrily before reporters at a counter-press conference. “IT met him at a bar where he was obviously groggy and looking not-so-peachy because of his stubble... he was retreiving nuts from the bowl with the tip of his bows! Don’t quesiton my integrity!” Immediately following the remark, an unknown person heaved a camera at Cambell’s head, an event which did not seem to concern anybody in the room. An ambulance was eventuallycalledapproximately 30 minutes later. Speaking fromVancouver General Hospital, Campbell later announced he would be withdrawing his suit. A professional matchmaker, Valentino has been credited with innumerable fix-ups over the years, including Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, as well as one of his most proudest projects— peanut butter and jelly.