issue 5 // volume 44

 

BR EAKING:

Protes

testing ‘a

now; illegal

> Protests over protest ruling already in session

Davie Wong
Sports Editor

 

t’s been a crazy day for the Canadian

Court of Law. In a surprise ruling,
the Supreme Court has declared that
the protesting of a protest is now
deemed illegal, stating that “It is of
this court’s understanding that the
protesting of a protest is unreasonable
and suppresses the right of people that
are protesting. In accordance to the
right to Freedom of Speech, protesters
are allowed to protest peacefully.
Therefore, the suppression of these
people who would protest the protesters
is hereby illegal. Anyone caught
protesting a protest will be subjected to
a protest from a panel of their peers.”
This ruling has had a mixed reaction
from citizens. Protester Grag Walpapor
was one of the many who rejoiced upon
hearing the ruling, stating: “Finally,
I can protest without worrying about
someone protesting my protest.
Before, it was basically drama class!”
When asked to clarify what he
meant, Walpapor protested our
reporter’s line of questioning.
While many like Grag are overjoyed
with the court rulings, not all are
pleased. Arnold Rump, an American-
Canadian, stated the whole thing was
“stupid. That’s right, it’s stupid. It’s
not right! People protesting should be
subjected to the opinions of their peers.
I mean, protesting is stupid all together.

 

sa

a

Those protesters should get a job! We
need to stop paying attention to those
protesters! Canada needs to change

its policy on protesting! It should be
illegal to protest! That's the only way to
stop them! Hashtag boycott protesting.
Hashtag make Canada great again!”

It’s worth noting that the Other Press
ran the full transcription of Mr. Rump’s
interview, despite his protests against it.
Those who share Mr. Rump’s anger on
the issue have already begun protesting
the ruling by forming a large, unruly
crowd in front of the Supreme Court and
chanting profanities such as: “Screw the
protests” “Hashtag boycott protesting!”
and “Supreme Court is flawed! End the
fraud!”

Word is reaching us at the Other
Press that an underground protesting
group has begun arranging a protest
against the protest about protesting
protests. While this may seem like a
strict violation of the Supreme Court’s
ruling, an anonymous source within the
group has assured us that the protest of
a protest protesting protests is not the
same as a protest protesting a protest.
To ensure their safety, the group has
organized protesters to protest the
protesting of the protesters protesting
protests.

The Other Press reached out to
the Supreme Court of Canada, and the
Canadian Government for a statement,
but has been told that no statement will
be issued in protest of the situation.

humour // no. 23

 

Too sweet to handle

> Holistic nutritionist consumes refined sugar,
alternative medicine license now under review

Jillian McMullen
Staff Writer

 

tribunal met early this morning to

deliberate the future of Vancouver
holistic nutritionist Bianca Greene.
Greene, who has been working in the
health consciousness industry for the
last four years, allegedly consumed
refined sugar in the form of granola on
September 17 while out to brunch at a
café in Kitsilano. She is also alleged to
have shared said cereal with Kenneth
Bends, a local yoga instructor.
The tribunal is now deciding whether
or not to revoke Greene’s alternative
medicine license. Jeremy Laituse, juror
and president of the Vancouver School
for Natural Health Care, explained to
the Other Press in a phone interview
that while there currently exists no
governmental standards for holistic
nutritionists, consultants must respect

the code of ethics learned at his school.

“We're concerned about Ms. Greene’s
commitment to natural nutrition and
healthy lifestyle choices,” said Laituse.
“We provide some of the best training
possible to our students. When you
receive an alternative medicine license
from VSNHC, it’s supposed to really
mean something. Ms. Greene only
received her license in 2013, so we

find it difficult to believe that she has
already forgotten how to differentiate
between whole and processed foods.”

Greene has maintained her innocence
throughout her review. In Greene’s
account of the event, upon entering

the establishment she inquired what
the café used to sweeten their pastries.
The waitress serving her explained they
were sweetened with only the finest
fair-trade, sustainably-sourced, raw
coconut sugar. Greene then assumed all
items would be made similarly; however,
the café instead uses high-fructose
corn syrup to make their granola.

“You know what they say about
assuming,” stated Laituse.

Kenneth Bends, the victim of Greene’s
oversight, explained to the Other Press
outside the tribunal how concerned he
now is about the syrup’s presence in

his body, stating “That stuff is just as
addictive as any drug. I struggled with
my health a lot in my youth. I cut out
refined sugars 10 years ago and I’ve been
on the straight and narrow ever since,
but I can feel the syrup really affecting
my daily practice.” Bends added that he
had felt safe around Greene because of
her professional training, so he didn’t
think to question her dietary choices.
“This has really affected our friendship.
When I see her walk into the studio

for one of my classes, a shiver goes up
my spine. Like, how do you betray a
friend like that? My body is a temple
and she treated it like dumpster.”

The tribunal will announce

its decision next week.