Last week, Vancouver witnessed the dream that was the
BC Lions’ Spirit Bear fundraising campaign turn into a
nightmare.

Local philanthropist and business tycoon, Lorelei de
la Smarme, was put into hospital after sustaining serious
injuries from one of the 7-foot fibreglass statues. The
statues, sculptured in the likeness of the famed
Kermode “Spirit Bear,” have been painted by local

_ artists and erected throughout the city. The bear in

front of the Vancouver Trade Center was the one
responsible for mauling. Ms. de la Smarme reported
that she was returning home from the Jolly Taxpayer
Pub when the attack occurred.

“T was walking home when I heard these strange

7 growling sounds. I thought that it must have been the

beer and the wings wreaking havoc, but I was mistaken.
One of those Ghost Bears, ot whatever you call them,
attacked me from behind. He tipped through my blazer
and seriously shredded my back, and I am quite:sure.I
heard him shouting obscenities at me. Something about
plaster casting my corporate a—.”

Ms. de la Smarme underwent extensive stitching for
both her upper back and her blazer. She was released
from St. Paul’s Hospital two days ago, much improved,
yet still shaken.

“T don’t feel safe here anymore,” she is quoted as
saying, “and I can’t bear the thought of stepping out-
side when I know there are more of them out there.”

Spirit Bears Attack

Jen Aird, OP Contributor

Unfortunately, Ms de la Smarme won't have to.
While making tea in her kitchen yesterday evening she
was mistakenly shot in the face by famed American
bear hunter Dick Cheney.

*Speaking from his fourth largest home in Cape Cod,
Cheney said, “I heard they had Spirit Bears with raised
arms in BC, I’m not legally to blame for shooting that
Smarme:broad. I was simply exercising my constitution-
ally protected right to ‘[Spirit] Bear arms.”

_ Many locals feel that the question of what to do
with the bears has not yet been properly addressed.
Both Stephen Miller, president of the BC Lions Society
for Children with Disabilities, and Graeme Stamp,
chairman of The Vancouver Board of Trade and Spirit
of Vancouver ® (SOV), were unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, tensions are building as Vancouver resi-
dents are already deeply divided on the issue. Some see
the’attack as the work of one individual, and believe
that punishing all the bears would be an unfair condem-
nation of a visible minority. Others feel that the Lions
are foolishly reticent to give up the bears.

Grayden Gropesby, Ms. de la Smarme’s co-worker,
said after the attack, “These bears are unpredictable and
obviously out of control. Raising money for charity is
fine as long as it doesn’t involve this kind of grisly vio-
lence. If the BC Lions really need money that bad,
here’s five bucks.”

 

  

Skippy McGuire, Ace News Reporter

Exactly one year ago, Dr. Roosevelt P.
Frankenlechinheimer, leader of the newly estab-

election on a platform of creating genetic super-

invasion by the mole people of Mercury, and
enslaving the entirety of the human race outside
BC, he assumed they had cornered an important
corner of the electorate.

less than one percent of the popular vote has left
the party’s future uncertain.

At least it seems uncertain until one speaks to
Frankenlechinheimer one on one. After approxi-

informs the Other Press that the intention was
never to run candidates.
“What kind of world domination party would

lished BC World Domination Party (BCWDP), had
very high hopes. Entering into the 2005 provincial

people, building a giant laser to protect Earth from

mately 45 seconds of maniacal laughter, the doctor

we be if we ran candidates and attempted to achieve
victory through democracy?” Frankenlechinheimer
asked, raising his left eyebrow in a devilish fashion.
The doctor says the party has instead favoured
tactics such as brainwashing of elected candidates,

BC World Domination Party Plans Next Moves:
Shutout in election small defeat

of all the important resources in BC as their actual
tactics. “Of course, the only reason I’m telling you
this is because it’s already too late to stop us, MWA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!” he continued.

The perspective of the good doctor allows us
to view provincial politics and goings on through a
whole new lens. “You think we are actually building
for the Olympics? No, silly mortal, this is merely the
groundwork for the unstoppable doomsday machine
that will enslave all of mankind to the twisted will

But a total shutout in seats and the attainment of | of British Columbians.” He says that all medical and

education staff are actually BCWDP sympathizers
preparing for a massive strike that will force an
exchange of the reins of power to
Frankenlechinheimer.

“The only thing that can inhibit our march to
power now is if the mole armies mobilizing on
Mercury are able to launch their major offensive
before we can sufficiently prepare.”

So there you have it, BC is mere months away
from achieving world domination. I, for one, wel-
come our upcoming status as overlords of the
entire planet. So, come all British Columbians and
join us as we march towards victory!

infiltration of the bureaucracy, and gradual purchase