ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT Death of the New Pornographers Kevin Lalonde, A&E Detective According to a statement acquired by The Other Press on Monday, nearly every member of Vancouver’s premiere rock supergroup, the New Pornographers, has been killed. According to Mint Records co-founder Randy Iwata, the group had just boarded an Air Canada flight destined for Paris on Sunday night when vocalist Neko Case began screaming in hysterics over a non drug-induced premoni- tion. She claimed that she “watched the plane explode mid- air,” as if in some kind of B-rated horror film. The entire band, save guest vocalist Kathryn Calder, escorted Case off the plane immediately. Case and Calder were apparently involved in a heated dispute over who could “do Stevie Nicks better on stage,” and so Calder refused to leave. A mere 48 seconds after lift-off, the craft suffered a major malfunction and was destroyed. Ms. Calder, clearly the inferior Nicks, did not survive. “After that, some weird-ass shit started happening,” continued Iwata, visibly shaken by the thought of the prof- it expected from posthumous sales of each of the band’s members’ other projects, many of which are signed .to Mint as well. Approximately 45 minutes after the explo- sion, bassist John Collins, also of the Evaporators, was viciously killed when he slipped and fell onto an electrified SkyTrain track at Burrard Station in downtown Vancouver. The train was westward bound. At this point, Case became convinced that in fleeing the doomed 747 that evening, the entire band had escaped certain fatality, but were still marked for death. “This is fucked up, man,” said keyboardist Blaine Thurier according to witnesses immedi- ately before being struck by a loaded semi- trailer traveling an estimated 80 km/h. It is not known if what he was saying at the time was fo’ real. The situation became dire when the five remaining active members of the group secluded themselves in vocalist Carl Newman’s North Vancouver home early Monday morning. Thinking they would be safe in a familiar location, devoid of natural or industrial elements that may harm them, they waited out the dawn. Tragedy struck at approximately 7:35am Monday when a damaged power line fell onto Newman’s home, causing a major fire. The entire group exited the building, but Newman, accompanied by longtime friend and pop song- ster Todd Fancey, re-entered the home in an attempt to save Newman’s cat, Snuffles. Unbeknownst to the two, however; Snuffles had already left the home safely. Both unfortunately died moments later of smoke inhalation and severe dyspepsia. Seconds after his death, the entire lower mainland spontaneously and inexplicably erupted into a chorus of “The Laws Have Changed,” as if Heaven had just admitted its most glorious angel into the highest choir to ever grace the land with its collectively honeyed tones. With nowhere left to go, Case, accompanied by percus- sionist Kurt Dahle and vocalist Dan Bejar, drove to the nearest RCMP station, looking for aid. While exiting the car, however, Bejar was brutally killed when a baseball bat hit him in the back of the head, striking him unconscious. “This is for Notorious Lightning, you arrogant, untalent- ed, useless fuck,” witnesses heard an anonymous man say- ing as he bent over Bejar’s prostate body before proceeding to pummel him with a brick for an estimated 20 minutes. “Where the fuck is your wizard’s robe now, you egotis- tical prick?” the man said. “And for fuck sake,” he contin- ued, “stop getting so fucking loaded when you play! You don’t even remember the words to your own stupid, god- damn, atonal, fucking songs!” Horrified at the death of Bejar, who is commonly described as “that annoying kid who’s too retarded to get rid of,’ Case and Dahle fled to the RCMP station, where they were remanded into custody for their own protection. Not ten minutes later, however, they were assaulted by a rabid Dick Cheney, who reportedly mistook them both for caged quail and shot both of them in the face. Case, who had stated that she foresaw each of the terti- ble events of the last 18 hours, apparently didn’t see that one coming, and was instantly killed. Dahle, seriously injured, somehow survived, and was soon rescued and taken to hospital by his less talented brother Ryan Dahle. “Thank God he’s alive,” said a relieved Dahle. “Apparently God’s seen fit to spare my brother of this ter- rible curse,” he continued, “so that we can continue to make music together. I guess God just loves Limblifter!” According to sources in the Ministry of External Affairs, God has released a statement saying he was not involved in the weekend’s set of tragedies, nor was he to blame for the saving of Kurt Dahle. In fact, God has been rumoured to have caused the microphone electrocution that almost killed Ryan Dahle last November. No charges have yet been filed. Rob Zombie: Educated Horses Jennifer Aird, OP Contributor March 28 marked the release of Rob Zombie’s first album since 2001’s The Sinister Urge. But hold onto your penta- grams Zombie fans, because you're in for a holy surprise! While some men hit middle age and dye their hair while simultaneously attempting to date younger women (read: Brad Pitt), 40-year-old Rob Zombie already seemed to have these requisites taken care of, What is an aging rocker to do then? Make a gospel album? WTF?!!? After over 20 years of making music about blood, guts, creeps, and whores, Zombie has made his first foray into God’s country. The name of the album, Educated Horses, is in reference to the book by Eugene Peterson titled Run With the Horses, part of the Christian bible study series that initially turned Zombie onto the word of God. Josh Freese (of Devo, A Perfect Circle, and The Vandals fame) and Tommy Lee (Motley Crue, etc.) both make appearances on the album, but more impressive is the recruitment of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. They join Zombie on tracks “The Scorpion Sleeps” and “Let It All Bleed Out.” The presence of the choir seemed to inspire in Zombie’s vocals a kind of heav- enly salvation; on these tracks he no longer sounds like he is from Hanna, Alberta. However, when Zombie is flying solo, it’s a bit of a rough ride, especially when he attempts those soulful wailings (eek). Josh Freese, however, is amazingly graceful throughout the entire album; his steel guitar on “Sawdust in the Blood” is nothing short of face melting. Tommy Lee only appears on one track, but he wins hands down for the best surprise cameo. “Let It All Bleed Out” features one of the greatest saxophone solos this side of Michael Bolton, and it’s none other than Tommy “T-Bone” Lee. Apparently, he has been “dabbling” since college, which he “kinda attended” in 2005. Despite Zombie’s occasional vocal shortcomings, Educated Horses is a serious gospel album, not to mention the first Rob ~ Zombie effort that both you and your grandmother can listen to. Educated Horses sounds like the immaculate conception of Reverend James Cleveland and Kirk Franklin, with Elvis Presley, John P. Kee, and The Soggy Bottom Boys as the three wise men, and Chad Kroeger as the stable boy. In other words, get ready, because Rob Zombie’s new album is going to bow your halo off.