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Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www.theotherpress.ca

“RT,

Vancouver voted ‘Literally Hell’ in latest

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

poll

» 100 per cent of people hate this city

: absolutely ridiculous place full of:

Critics of the poll argue it : provincial governments, as well as : was shot down by residents
: Vancouverites, and several other :

: was skewed because it questioned : the citizens themselves. : through Facebook campaigning

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

he small, quaint town of

Vancouver, BC—globally
highlighted for its Olympics
hosting, film tax credits, and
natural beauty—has been
designated ina recent poll as

of Vancouverites who voted in
the poll regarded this city as “just
the worst place ever,” “a cesspool
of TransLink and filth,” “an

: colourful comments not suitable
: for publication.

“People love to hate this

: city,” explained Mayor Cregor

: Brobertson from his $3-million

: basement suite in the Downtown
: Eastside. “Frankly, I can sort of

: understand the outcry involving

: rent prices, lack of industry, and

: bad infrastructure—but hey, how
“Literally Hell.” A full 100 per cent : about them Canucks?” Upon

: being reminded Vancouver’s only
: interesting mediocre sports team
: had been eliminated from the

: playoffs, Brobertson shook his

: head softly and inhaled deeply.

5; only residents of Vancouver and
: not the rest of Canada. When

: asked about Vancouver’s livability :
: status, Canadians replied with

: comments like “Where? Never

: heard of it.” “The dudes in

: Washington?” and “That place

: is just an urban legend.” Even

: Prime Minister Stephen Brarper

: questioned Vancouver’s status of
: being a “real city” and suggested

: it was actually just a tax write-off
: for the federal government.

Efforts to fix Vancouver’s

: status have been met with large
: opposition by the municipal and

: what would be the point?” asked

: hipster Gary Vu Woodlands. “I’m
: pretty sure we all like the status

: quo, confirmation bias, and

: inherent racism that lead to this
: city being declared Hell.”

: make Vancouver a tolerable

: place involved a longterm

: sustainable environmentally

: friendly transit plan that would
: bring Vancouver into the 2ist

: century and give world-class

: public infrastructure. This plan

“If we didn't hate living here,

coffee shop owner and local

The most recent effort to

: due to a combination of concerns
: about actually funding a transit

: company to suck less and

: paranoia of actually planning for
: the future.

“Of course, it could be

: worse,” suggested downtown

: resident Tim Pattison. “Living in
: Vancouver is pretty bad, but at

: least we don’t live in Abbotsford,
: orany other place in BC.”

Indeed, Vancouver continues

: to be the #1 desirable place to
: live in British Columbia and

: #100 most desirable Canadian
: destination.

 

Top public places to be seen holding your yoga mat

» We break down the best places to take your mat for a test drive

Jacey Gibb
“hs, The Peak (NUW)

y purchasing a sleek yoga mat

for yourself, you've already
taken the first step towards
pretending you lead a healthy,
active lifestyle. But are you ready
to experience the countless

benefits that being seen holding
a yoga mat does for your body?

Not only will you have ajumping- :
: hands are full with your trusty
: new matted best friend. Make
: sure you ask the barista working
: if they have soy or lactose-free

off point for anyone who wants
to have a conversation, but you'll
automatically be instilled with

: the feeling that you're better than
: most people.

Here are a few of our

favourite public places to be seen
: reaping all of the benefits that
: come with holding a yoga mat.

A local coffee shop: Who

: has time to hold a hot cup of

: whatever sugary drink the rest

: of the population seems to be

: guzzling down large vats of these

days? Not you, because your

: milk, pretend to contemplate

: their answer like it ever really

: mattered, and then neglect to

: order anything. You wouldn't

: want to accidentally spill any of
: that latte art on your new mat.

On transit: The SkyTrain

: or busisa perfect place to be

: seen holding a yoga mat because
: everyone is forced to see and

: think to themselves how active

: and self-motivated you must

: be—mostly because they have

: nowhere else to go and a very

: restricted field of view. To

: achieve the optimal level of self-

: righteousness, hold your yoga
mat ina way that unnecessarily
: takes up the seat beside you as

: well.

In the lobby of a gym: A full-

: loitering. Healthy people are
: always eating yogurt.

Outside of a fast food

: restaurant: In stark contrast to
: hanging around a gym lobby,

: fledged membership to a gym can }
: be expensive, but most gyms will
: let you hang around their lobby,
: not using any of the equipment

: oramenities, for free. You'll enjoy !
: a lot of the same benefits that

: people who want to be seen at

: the gym feel without the hefty

: price tag that comes with it. For
: added effect, try eating a small

: to-go sized yogurt while you're

lingering outside the entrance

: toa fast food restaurant is wildly
: satisfying and can help you be
: seen by even more people. Try

holding the door for patrons as

: they enter/leave the building

> and make sure you mention how
: youre burning twice the calories

: by holding a mat in one hand and
: a door handle in the other. Voila!

: Instant confidence boost.