November 26, 2003 Opinions e the other press © History Lesson 2020? CF Miley OP Contributor Authors Note: I wish to thank Robert Anton Wilson, whose books have inspired the following piece. I've borrowed in form from his ///uminatus Trilogy, and in content from Cosmic Trigger, Volume I, and Volume IT. For all things Robert Anton Wilson, go to . “They flutter behind you your possible pasts, Some bright-eyed and crazy some fright- ened and lost. A message to anyone still in command Of their possible future, to take care.” Pink Floyd, Your Possible Pasts. Ever since George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden were Georgie and Ossie, they were afraid their mommies and daddies would find out they were “no good shits.” They did all the right things, taking their poop- ies on the potty, like good little boys, eager to please the parents that looked and acted “big as Gods.” Still that nagging doubt was always just below their mental water line: “What if they find out that I’m really a ‘no good shit?” Days became nights, summers turned to winters, and .time passed. Georgie became George, Ossie became Osama, and they fixed their sights on their “daddies definition of greatness,” and learned to hide those feelings behind increasingly clever masks and forgeries. George thought he lived in the “greatest country in the universe,” and that God was on his side. “Damn,” he thought when he was 21, “even a skirt-chasing, coke-fiend like me can be rich and powerful here.” He also thought, “God Bless America” and other such masturbatory thoughts when he remembered he was really a “no good shit.” George had learned that to be seen as tough, you had to be willing to kill anyone that got in your way. It wasn't the Christian way, but sometimes even God had to flex a little muscle. You see, George was born rich, and all those dollars provided the materials necessary to build an almost impenetrable cage to hide his inadequacies. George wasn't especially bright, or athletic, or tough—he was quite average. But his Daddy had money. Everybody either feared or liked George’s Daddy. George couldn't decide which was better, praise or fear. He settled on fear. God Bless America. Osama also thought he lived in the “greatest country in the universe,” and he learned very early on, that Allah had blessed him and his brethren. “Blessed Be Allah,” he thought five times a day when he got down on his knees and prayed to the East. He also thought, “One day I'll do your work, just like Muhammad did, and blessed will be your name in even the most heretical corners of the devil’s workshop— the US.” Other times he remembered he was a “no good shit” capable of that which Allah would never condone—murder. But Allah had provided a tidy little moral mul- ligan on that one, like Allah always provid- ed all that he needed. It was called jihad, or holy war. Osama believed this word made killing okay with Allah, and therefore okay—with him. You see, Osama was born rich, and all those dollars provided the materials necessary to build an almost impenetrable cage to hide his inadequacies. Osama wasn’t especially handsome, or physically gifted, but he was clever as hell, and learned much from reading SunTzu’s Art of War, and studying the ways of Roemmel, Hitler’s desert fox. Everybody either feared or liked Osama. He couldn't decide which was better, praise or fear. He settled on fear. Blessed be Allah. Much of what REALLY drove George and Osama to commit countless mass mur- ders in the early years of the 21st-century was a desire to get even with the universe for making them such “no good shits.” Getting even, when coupled with an argu- ment over God’s REAL name, was the inspirational force behind the cataclysms that soon followed. Both men apparently believed that God was on their side, and saw the other as evil. History has shown us how similar they really were. Their repeat- ed attempts to kill each other gave form to the psychiatric term “Projected Substitute Masochism.” Getting even was the basis of so many earthly confusions in those days. “An absolute crime demands an absolute pun- ishment,” or “they did it to me so I can do it to them,” and in general the emotional mathematics of “one plus one equals zero.” These “no good shits” were so dumb they didn’t realize that one plus one equals two, and one murder plus one murder equals two murders, one mass slaughter plus one mass slaughter equals two mass slaughters, etc. They didn’t understand causality at all. The few primates that did slightly under- stand causality called it Karma. They said all sorts of foolish things about it. They said, in crude human terms, that bad Karma led to “bad vibes.” Most humans didn’t know enough math- ematics to even contemplate that one event doesn’t just cause one more event, but can (and in the quantum world probably does) lead to an infinite amount of conse- quences. This was called Quantum Physics and almost nobody on Earth REALLY understood what it meant. Those who did mildly comprehend it were usually so socially inept that its natural applications in human politics were never realized. Osama grew up to help organize and fund a group of fanatic assassins to “Put the fear of Allah into those bastard sons of the devil,” by tricky, horrific, and very deadly George grew up and ordered a mob of well-trained, military assassins to “Blow the absolute hell (or was that heav- en?) out of Osama's adopted homeland, and any ‘no good shit’ dumb enough to live there.” People worldwide suffered in one way or another, and another malicious link was added to the chain of strife and violence that had held humanity hostage for thou- sands of years. Texts that did survive remembered what “no good shits” Georgie and Ossie grew up to be. means. "Can't get the courses you need? Getting the post-secondary credentials you need is not always easy—from getting into the classes you want to balancing school work with other commitments. The British Columbia Open University offers over 500 distance university and college courses, many of them open for registration throughout the year. Transfer the BCOU credits you earn to the program of your choice or apply them to a BCOU credential. 604.431.3300 = Register today. Start any time. 1.800.663.9711 www.bcou.ca http://www2.otherpress.ca ae \ Deqice Angela Blattmann OP Photographer Does Buy Nothing Day mean anything Name: Nick Answer: No, I’ve never heard of it. I do that often—not in an organized protest though. Name: Landon Answer: No, I don't know what it is. The concept sounds interesting though. Name: Arlene Answer: No, but I would support it. I think it’s good to be more conscious of what we're buying and whether we really need it. 7 aon Page 9