issue 29 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

BC government decided by
rock, paper, Scissors

> ‘In the end, it seems to be the only fair way to decide this’

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

itizens of British Columbia were

largely unsurprised this week when
it was announced that party leaders
Christy Clark (Liberal), John Horgan
(NDP), and Andrew Weaver (Green) were
to decide the outcome of the ongoing
election shenanigans with an epic three-
way game of rock, paper, scissors.

“After all the shouting and bickering

and side-swapping and nail-biting, in
the end, it seems to me to be the only
fair way to decide this,” said Weaver,
standing between Clark and Horgan
during a press conference on Monday
night. “No one wants a minority
government—I mean, we all say we do,
but honestly what’s the fun of being a
party leader if you don’t have total and
complete power? Christy, you know
what I’m talking about, am I right?”
(Clark did not comment
on the matter.)

The rock, paper, scissors method
has only been used in politics a few
times before in Canadian history, and
never in such a public matter. It is
rumoured that the decision to keep
Stephen Harper in office over the
course of several elections was decided
by a few poorly-played rounds of the
game, and remains an example of the
risks and faults of such a method.

“This is obviously not the ideal
system for a functioning government,
but quite honestly I think it reflects the

will of the voters far more fairly,” said
Horgan. “It’s sort of a winner-takes-all
kind of thing. In the end our priority is
to get the government moving again,
isn’t it? We want to see some changes
around here, and we're not going to get
that done if we can’t all just agree who
the supreme leader of the province is.”
The game will be played before a
panel of seven impartial judges near the
end of the month, and while the outcome
is statistically random, it’s suspected that
Weaver will somehow win either way.

Lower Mainland develops PDA rating system

> Couples will now have their public displays of affection rated from ‘G’ to ‘R’

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

fter several years of public

petitioning, the government has
now put in place a rating system that
will confine acts of affection between
couples to certain, age-appropriate
areas of the Lower Mainland.

“Tt’s really about protecting the
children,” said Chief Councillor Prue D.
Smith of L.o.V.E. (Litigation of Various
Excesses), a newly-minted government
organization covering the activities and
choices of adults in the public sphere.
“Won't anyone think of the children?
It’s really only okay to see such things
in PG-rated movies, not in real life!”

The Other Press has obtained
a basic rundown of the new rating
system in a leaked memo from
L.oV.E., and it reads as follows:

Activities appropriate for

public viewing, such as hand-
holding, gazing into one another's
eyes, forehead kisses, brief hugs, and
some terms of endearment (limited
to: “honey,” “dear,” and “sweetie.”) Can
be performed anywhere, anytime.
P Activities appropriate for

most public spaces. This

category includes closed-lips mouth-
to-mouth kisses, as well as hugging

for a period longer than three seconds.
New terms of endearment added:

g tThe Juice
LPH sen,

 

“babe,” “handsome,” “beautiful.” Can
be performed in most places, though
not in excess, and not in view of
children unsupervised by parents.
Activities appropriate

PG-3 for some public spaces.

This includés open-mouth kissing
(no tongue), occasional ass-slaps (for

comedic effect only), and some cuddling.

Terms of endearment may now include
“hot stuff,” “tiger,” and “lover.” Can

be performed in excess, though not
close to schools and playgrounds,

and subject to the objections of those
around the couple in question.

A. Activities appropriate

1 ™ for few public spaces.
This now includes “Frenching,” ass-
grabbing, kisses below the mouth but
above the collarbone, and some limited
grinding. Terms of endearment may
now include “sexy,” “love machine,”
and “sugar tits.” Limited to spaces

such as outdoor nighttime concerts,
party venues, and Denny’s at 2 a.m.

Activities inappropriate for most

public spaces. This includes
basically everything a couple can do
while keeping their clothes on, and all
terms of endearment. Extremely limited
to 19+ venues, and McDonald’s at 4 a.m.

Violators of the rating system
will be charged with a misdemeanour,

tow

will be expected to complete 50 hours
of community service and make
reparations to the victims of their PDA.
The rating system has been met
with some controversy, both from
couples and allies of couples alike.
“Look, I’m still in the honeymoon
phase of my relationship, and if I want
to embarrass my friends by making out
with my perfect boyfriend in the middle
of a busy gelato place on a Saturday
night, I have that right!” said one
protestor,
who has
asked to
remain
anonymous.
“We live
ina
free

   
    
 
 
 
  

CleanseZ By Argpla Wang,

country, don’t we?”

“Honestly, I think the rating system
is misguided,” said another protestor,
an ally of the previous couple. “Like, it
focuses on keeping the kids safe, which
fair enough, but I think it misses out
on the real victims of excessive PDA:
friends and family. Watching someone
you don’t know tongue battling on
the street isn’t half as embarrassing
and painful as sitting across from
your best friend while they’re nibbling
on their partner's earlobe, like...
honestly, it’s worse than dying.”

The discussion—and

protest—is ongoing.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

 

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