humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

ee) Se

 

> We're probably all going to die

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

Bx in January, the Other Press
reported on the first week of the new
Cold War, and found that things seemed
to be going relatively okay. However,
things have rapidly gone downhill since
then, and an entirely new verdict is in.

“We're definitely fucked,”
said local shopkeeper and first
Cold War veteran Sol Serviver.

Since the Other Press’s last report
on the matter, the new White House
administration—under the guidance
of a fascist orange toddler and _ his
flying howler monkeys of bigotry—
have been systematically destroying
every check and balance set in their
path preventing nuclear annihilation.

“If you can imagine a rolling
snowball of horseshit and terror
gaining speed, size, and momentum,
plummeting down a mountainside
towards that big red button everyone
talks about, while the judicial system
and the few politicians whose spines are
still intact keep throwing themselves
in front of it to slow it down, that’s kind
of where we're at right now,” continued
Serviver. The Other Press caught up with
the veteran as he stocked the pantry
of his new fallout shelter, a product of
the newly-prosperous Bomb Shelters R
Us store. “Meanwhile, there’s so many
fucking strings attached to it—like,
if Trump made a deal with Russia
that he can’t deliver on because his
lackeys keep getting fired for being in
bed with Russia, sometimes literally,
we're fucked. If North Korea keeps up
with the shit they’re pulling right now
and Trump keeps ignoring them and
provoking them by turns, we're fucked.

If America tears itself apart due to civil
war breaking out—actually, that’s sort
of a best-case scenario to be honest.

But still, someone’s going to be at that
red button eventually, and we're still
fucked. That’s not even touching the
bogeyman in the closet that’s Daesh...”
The Other Press found
Douglas students Katja Scavenger
and Jan Crimson once again for
their thoughts on the matter.
“I think I’m too emotionally and
mentally worn out to care too much

Missed connections

> I saw you...

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

SkyTrain
Soapbox

   

Me, a lowly student
waiting for the
Expo Line to
Production Way at
New Westminster
station. You,
some kind of GamerGate dudebro on the
other platform, talking about the forced
inclusion of diversity in gaming and how
the problems in Mass Effect: Andromeda’s
animation rigging was somehow the fault
of the “SJWs.” I felt, upon listening to
you, that we were somehow meant for
one another. I’m sure of it; yes, we are
soulmates. You are the arch-nemesis of all
my lifetimes, and I must find you again so
that we can fight one another to the death.
You can pick the time and

place. Email me your opinions about
sending death threats to female
game devs so I that it’s you.

meowww

I saw uas I was
walking home
last 2sday and it
was luv at ist site.
u had beautiful
black hair and
enormous green
eyes that shone
in the dark. before I could talk 2 u tho u
disappeared into a bush. my <3 was </3.
u were the most beautiful cat I have ever
seen and I think we should be 2gether
4ever. pls come find me. I <3 u mr kitty.

Some kind of REM bullshit

I’ve been looking for you all my life, but
I’ve never needed you more than now. |
feel like I’ve caught glimpses of you in the

 

at this point,” said Scavenger. “I mean,
for one thing, I’ve got finals coming up
so it already feels like the end of the
world. But I think there’s a reason why
our generation is kind of renowned
for fatalistic humour and general
nihilism. We know it’s more of a case
of ‘when’ than ‘if? you know? No point
breaking our brains over it. Hey, do
you happen to know anything about

wind, the rain, my
own reflection,
but I’ve never
trusted these
moments. Please,
God, if you're out
there, show me
a sign. Finals are
coming. I have
a 20-page essay due tomorrow, and |
haven't started. I could really use some
divine intervention right about now.

probably my
soulmate

It was last Friday
outside the Wings
by Lougheed
when I saw you—
short, red-haired,
and very angry.

You challenged a passing minivan to

a fist-fight while your friends held you

back, then proceeded to vomit behind

 

enumerative induction, by chance?”

“I think I remember saying that
things weren't super dark last time we
spoke? Yeah, screw that, it’s all looking
pretty damn bleak right now,” said
Crimson. “I don’t know; I try to stay
optimistic. Like, hopefully Canada
makes it through the whole ‘nuclear
annihilation’ thing, but I’ve got my
bomb shelter ready either way.”

a bush. When you came back, you told

a garbage can to “watch its fool self”
before walking directly into a street lamp.
I think I’m in love with you. Call me?

I should have
asked when

I had the
chance...

I smelled u before
I saw u—the
most delicious
fragrance, salt
and heat and something intrinsically
u. when I saw u I new I had 2 have u,
but I was 2 shy to say anything and by
I could find my voice u were gone. U
were the most delicious poutine ive ever
seen in my whole life, and I don’t know
where u came from. Dis was close to the
waves on front street and if u no where
I can find this poutine PLS MESSAGE
ME ITS HAUNTING MY DREAMS.