ONTINUED FROM COVER students measure up. I wanted to get down to the bowels of the story and find out the deep, dark facts behind closed doors. I ted to know about what makes up the differences between a woman's and a man’s bathroom experience. It occurred to me at as a woman my research might be slightly limited. I saw myself pulling a everse Tootsie and sneaking into the men’s oom all swanked out in baggy blue jeans, aybe a beard and my hair tucked away in a baseball cap, but that wasn't the route to take. So I decided to track down the anitorial staff and insist they take me with em on their rounds of bathroom clean p- Nisha was pushing her cleaning cart to e elevator on the second floor. I asked. er if I could come along with her on the est of her rounds, and explained that I anted to see the differences between omen’s and men’s bathrooms. She smiled bh big smile and politely said, “Okay then, ’Il show you.” Our first stop was the men’s bathroom. I have been in one or two men’s bathrooms in my time but I don’t emember the smell being quite so bverpowering. Nisha pulled out the Vindex and wiped down the mirrors and inks with a few thorough swipes of her oth. She proceeded to wipe down the rinals, empty the garbage and clean up e toilet paper that scattered the floor. Her speed is admirable; we were out of at bathroom in less than ten minutes. I ked her if Douglas College students were wful to clean up after and she replied, You g ys are Not so bad. I like working at _ Douglas College. Sometimes the graffiti is awful to look at but otherwise I like it here.” I saw what she meant; one washroom door and side wall had full sized homophobic drawings done in black marker, It bothered me that someone would acttially take the time to bring a black marker into a bathroom stall for the sole purpose of defacing it with their small-minded immaturity. As we went through each washroom I inspected inside each cubicle and glanced in the direction of each mysterious looking urinal. They are so shiny yet so foul smelling. I think those ice puck thingies that float at the bottom of the urinals should really have a deodorizers in them and that would eliminate the stench; but hey, I don't have to live with it. Towards the end of her shift I thanked Nisha for her generosity and for being such a good sport in such a strange situation. She gave me a great big smile, said it was nice to meet me and went back to her work. I walked down to see as many bathrooms as I could on the first and second floor. After a thorough search of Douglas College men’s and women’s bathrooms I have discovered that both sexes get a failing grade on the cleanliness report card. MEN’S BATHROOMS reek. There is no way to deny it, no way to hide it; there is a urine stench so putrid it could kill a little old lady. When I asked the men around campus what they thought about the smell, the most common response was (this is not representative of every male opinions@op.douglas.bc.ca bm Laws here used to be an expression that said “You can only count on two things in life: death and taxes”; but , with a group thinking they've scovered a way to keep cells alive forever, we count on death to be there for us or t just as unreliable as the transit service? d taxes? Well, we all find ways to avoid ose. No, nowadays, the only two things u can count on are the Super Bowl, and ine hygiene product commercials. These two have equally high television tings. The Super Bowl because a million tople watch it once a year and feminine giene product commercials because they P on any given station at any given time ewhere in the universe. They get the ratings as the Super Bowl by the sheer lume of them. So, why is it men find the Super Bowl so edibly enticing? It’s because every year, e game is a complete blow out, with one scoring a bazillion point right off the and the other team never catching up. a manner of speaking, it’s finished in out ten minutes. And that’s not including forepl...er...kickoff. Then all the men can roll over and go to sleep. Football is not without it’s sexual perversity. The announc- ers make the game really interesting for those blind people who cannot watch the game but can merely hear it, and wonder if someone turned off the game and put in a porno movie. “OH BOB, HE..COULD..GO..ALL.. THE..WAY"” a colour man yells in between catching his breath. “Well, you've really gotta watch this point right here, right in the middle of the field. See how well these guys get deep penetra- tion? Someone's going to have to get in there and plug that hole up before any more damage is done.” ° “Oh, it’s too bad they lost him. He was a player. He was in there biting and gouging and making people bleed. And he was such a gifted athlete. With his stamina, he could go for a full 60 minutes, then come off for two and be back at it again.” “His grip on the ball is excellent, Greg.” “You bet Ron, but that’s part of the tradition of these guys with the purple helmets.” It’s good to see the males of the world ear OP: lay Tom Laws die of ghonnorhea (sic) hile being sodomized by a hippo. I e previously responded in objection an editorial by Mr. Laws discussing p same subject as his Jan. 14 issue cerning the Canadian Federation of dents (CFS). I sincerely wish that . Laws would choose some other get to bash than today’s youth. In his pst recent attack on my generation, hich is NOT Generation-X, you #cking douchebag!) Laws criticizes p CFS for lobbying for increased dent funding, which would ulti- tely help alleviate the ever increasing ts of attending a post-secondary titution. In addition, Tommy seems believe that spending between $5000 and $10 000 a year on school is essentially having your education “given to you.” I am currently paying off a student loan that I received last year, and am not attending college or university because the summer job I had didn’t pay enough. And I can’t get a job during the school year because it is pretty tough to take 19 credits, play volleyball six nights a week for a school that doesn’t give a shit about you, and work at McDonalds. So don’t you sit in your little room behind the comfort and security of The Other Press and abuse your power as a journalist and continue to bash today’s youth. We didn’t fuck up the environ- ment or create the national debt or cause any world wars. Take your wacked (sic) out perversions on somebody else for a change. You're getting boring. Captain KY because the poll was small), “Ya, the smell is there but it isn’t a big deal.” The smell hovers around those toxic, shiny urinals like the smell of a Money's mushroom plant. Men’s bathrooms also have an immature element that isn't equally represented in women’s bathrooms. Graffiti runs rampant in men’s bathrooms and some of it is homophobic and racist and the immature content isn’t even worth repeating. Some of the men’s bathrooms still contain hand dryers which have been eliminated out of women’s bathrooms and replaced with paper towel dispensers. Overall, Douglas College men are messy but women dont get off the hook either. WOMEN’S BATHROOM floors around Douglas are scattered with little pieces of toilet paper and paper towels, We do not carry out the stereotypical cleanliness you might expect. Women also seem to forget to flush after they use the potty. Men forget to as well, but women seem to dominate in this area. When some Douglas College women were notified about this apparent forgetful flushing problem their general response was one of disbelief, “I always flush.” was the most common response. Toilet flooding is a common problem in women’s bathrooms, (this is partly due to the fact that women have twice the number of toilets in their bathrooms.) Flooding causes grimy conditions which makes it virtually impossible to find a place to lay a backpack or purse. One area that both female and male have some positive role models to take their minds off sex, even if only for one day a year. Equally huge in TV ratings are the feminine hygiene product commercials. The most prominent form of these profess to the world that something has gone horribly awry with the bread and beer stocks of the world. These commercials are cleverly disguised by the FDA and the Canada Health Board to warn people of the impending doom they face if they eat certain products, without causing a big stir like they did with that whole mad cow disease thing. “DO NOT EAT BREAD OR DRINK BEER” these commercials scream out if you watch between the lines. Because the yeast is infected, so they say. Some radical feminazis claim that this is part of the female anatomy. However, I, being responsible to you the consumer, did at least three minutes of research and found that women do not come packaged with yeast, so it can therefore not become + infected. But what do the Super Bowl and feminine hygiene product commercials have to do with one another? How can one even OM DOVE! students seem to excel in is forgetfulness. It seems students forget their wallets, school bags, umbrellas, clothes, money and their heads on a daily basis the minute they enter the Douglas College bathrooms. This infers Douglas College students have a lot on their minds and remembering things isn't high on their priority list. Luckily, every item that is found in our bathrooms by the cleaning staff is promptly returned to the lost and found. In reflection, women are from toilets* and men are from urinals. To prove it I found a rare piece of graffiti in the third floor science wing of the women’s bathroom. It reads: “Douglas College is a fucking joke.” Reply: “It may well be but ironically you chose to be here, pay to be here, so eat it up and smile or leave.” New insert: Grow up, don’t you have anything better to do than write on the walls? Signed Hypocrites-R-Us.” New insert: “Pumpkin loves Ogre forever.” The women’s graffiti is grammati- cally correct! I have also figured out why there is never a line up for men’s bathrooms at sporting events: they stink. Men can only hold their breath for so long before running out of the bathroom. There is no time to check your hair when the toxic air could kill you. As for women and why they always go to the bathroom in pairs, I shall never reveal the sécret mystery. All I know is friends that pee together stay together. But one thing is for sure, both men and women at Douglas College are not using the bathroom etiquette we were taught at the tender ages of four and five. @ Comode Fever COLLEGE. NEW WESTMINSTER DOUGLAS COLLEGE HAS 36 BATHROOMS. EACH WOMEN’S BATHROOM HAS SEVEN TOILETS AND EACH MEN’S HAS THREE TOILETS AND FOUR URINALS. THERE ARE ROUGHLY 180 TOILETS IN DOUGLAS COLLEGE. THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY SEVENTY URINALS WITHIN DOUGLAS THE COLLEGE HAS I44 MIRRORS AND |44 SINKS, AND OVER A BILLION SQUARES OF TISSUE PAPER, SO DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THEY “CAN’T SPARE A SQUARE.” he Super Tampon Bowl XXXII hope to draw a tangible line from one to the other? Well, one of the aforementioned commercials features a little picturc-in- picture of a football game. But the next logical step will not come until later, when the commercials completely take over the airwaves and become an economic empire to be contended with. The “Bud Bowl” is an annual event that happens at half time during the Super Bowl, featuring bottles of Budweiser beer playing football and cheeky announcers calling the play by play, for which Budweiser brewing pays untold millions of dollars. When the feminine hygiene market grows just a shade larger, Budweiser may be out bid for their ten minute stint during half time, and soon will emerge “The O.B. Bow!” featuring the same commentators, and two opposing teams, except rather than Bud and Bud Light, the combatants will be “Stayfree” and “Tampax” panty liners facing off to a duel to the death. Let’s join the game in progress: “Well hey there, it’s Jim Barrett...” “And Randy Knickers here. Glad you could join halfway through the game today at the O.B. Bowl” “Tampax takes the snap, fades back and ...OHMYGOD! “What a brutal hit Tampax took from Stayfree! In all my years I've never seen a hit that bad!” “He'll be lucky to walk after that one, Randy.” “You bet Jim, but you'll notice, he’s not bleeding. He's using that patented lock away core to keep that blood from running all over the place and ruining that nice designer uniform.” “Still Randy, that was a hell of a hit he took. Stayfree has been flying all over the field this year using his patented wings.” “Definitely Jim, that’s one of the problems the Tampax defense has been having this year, they just can't seem to put tabs on him.” “Oh yeah. Tabs versus wings? Wo question which offers the greatest amount of protection for the quarterback. Let's get back to, the action.” And it wont be too far in the future. So guys, tape all the Super Bowls you can now, because soon the women will want to watch the half time game. There could be bloodshed. A Debate between Robert Nickols Ph.D. Douglas College Philosophy Monday February 2, 1998 Room 2:15 PM Sponsored by Campus Crusade for Christ Michael Horner. MA ‘Trinity Western University 2201 The Other Press January 211997 7