issue 18// vol 45 Super blood wolf moon delights millions, demands human sacrifice » The last thing you'll ever see, ever Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Peers all across Metro Vancouver took a few minutes out of their evenings Sunday January 20 to gaze upward. What were they looking at? The spookily named “super blood wolf moon,” where the moon not only underwent a lunar eclipse, but sunlight refracted by the Earth’s atmosphere also gave the moon a reddish hue. Additionally, the moon was near its closest approach to the Earth, making it seem larger than normal. Theodore Muggins, an astronomy professor at UBC, called the astrological phenomenon a “rare sighting” and noted that the next total lunar eclipse wouldn't be until 2021. “We should all be aware of the planets and their movements, not only to see beautiful sights like the one that graced our skies last Sunday, but also to understand our place in the universe,” said Muggins. Furthermore, the super blood wolf moon demands human sacrifice. “On this very rare event—that is, the supermoon, eclipse, and ‘blood’ effect—a human from each household must be sacrificed to the heavenly bodies,” Muggins explained to Other Press reporters. “It’s all very standard.” According to ancient texts found in Douglas College archives, in the event of a super blood wolf moon, human blood must be spilled upon the Earth to ensure both healthy crops and the preservation of the human race. “The true beauty of this celestial event is that it will be the last sight many will see before they begin crying blood,” said Muggins. “Oftentimes the image of the moon will be burned into their consciousness and haunt them for the rest of their tortured time on Earth.” “T had a great time seeing the super blood wolf moon,” said Gladys Irving. “My husband and I saw the last one in 1982. On Sunday night we packed a picnic lunch and walked to the top of a park to watch the eclipse. It was very sweet and romantic, up until he transformed into a werewolf and started terrorizing the local neighbourhood cats.” Other citizens, like Hector and Jane Davis, weren't so pleased with the once-in- a-lifetime event. “We took our son out to see the moon, and his head twisted all the way around,” said Hector. “He rose six feet off the ground and hung there, suspended, for four hours. We got him down all right, but he’s still making all the knives in the kitchen levitate. He’s scratching all the good steak ones, too.” “We have a daughter who doesn't really do much, Jane added. “We really wish the super blood wolf moon would've taken her instead.” Did you miss it? Don't fret! “The next lunar eclipse is in 2021,” Muggins said. “Be ready for a beautiful astronomical display. And get ready to spill the blood of all of your loved ones. That eclipse is going to bea real doozy!” humour // no. 17 ‘Puzzle master’ can't locate girlfriend's clit > ‘I generally try to work from the outside in’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor « I ’ve put together more than 500 puzzles in my lifetime,’ said Jeremy Caldwell, 26. More than just a hobby, the self-styled “Puzzle Master” competes in national puzzle-solving competitions where puzzlists from around the world compete for the fastest times. “l look at puzzles as my full-time job. There are hundreds of us out there and I’m kind of a celebrity in the community,” said Caldwell. “I love going to puzzle events all over the world. You've never been ina room with so much competitive drive, and everyone really goes all out. We've gotten into some pretty stern arguments—real tense stuff” “Jeremy has done it all, from monuments like the Eiffel Tower, to the smallest raindrop on a leaf,” Caldwell’s mother Bonnie, 58, said at a press conference last Wednesday. “For Mother’s Day he gave me the most fantastic 3D flower bouquet, all made out of puzzle pieces. I still have it preserved in the foyer” Despite the varying intricacies of the puzzles Caldwell has worked on, he is seemingly unable to locate his girlfriend’s clitoris. Reporters spoke to Vanessa Lambert, head of the Department of Psychology and Anatomy at UBC. “The glans clitoris is what people usually mean when they refer to the clitoris,” said Lambert. “It’s external and 28-year-old man doesnt know how to recycle and wont start now > ‘It’s too late for me’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Res were shocked last Friday when oward Bexler, 28, took a controversial stand. “I don’t know how to recycle,” Bexler announced, “and at this stage of my life, I'm not about to start.’ Bexler’s inadequacies were brought to light after his landlord took him to court. The crime? Hundreds of chili, soup, and bean cans were thrown willy-nilly into the yard trimmings bin. “I know cans are recyclable, or at least beer cans are. Can't they all be compacted together to make a car or a sculpture or something?” Bernice Webber, head of Vancouver Recycling Services, explained that Bexler’s case (though embarrassing) was not rare. “Most people don't really know how to recycle or even know how it works. They have some vague notion of big cardboard boxes being broken down into smaller cardboard boxes or melting down plastic bottles into a Barbie doll. A lot of consumers bring the Disney movie Wall-E into their arguments. Wall-E has nothing to do with actual recycling.” When Webber was asked just what recycling really entailed, she ended the interview a half hour early. “| just remembered that I left a pot roast cooking in the oven,” she said, shoving her speech papers into her tote bag. “We'll have to talk about this at a later time. No, I don’t know when that would be. And yes, I definitely know what recycling is and what specifically goes into those big yellow bags.” “My parents always took care of the recycling when I lived at home,” Bexler said. “Then when I went to university, we would kind of just throw everything into a big bag and leave it in any open dumpster we could find. We would also leave bags of stuff in the alley, and after a while they would be taken away by someone, maybe a wild dog. “Tm not proud of my past. But I won’t work to change the future. That’s just who Tam? “My client is one of the many who faces discrimination from the green community,” Frank Jarvis, Bexler’s legal located above the urethra. Not too hard to find.” “T’ve tried to find it before,” Caldwell said to Other Press reporters, looking intently at the box of a 7000-piece puzzle of the Scottish countryside. “Tt just kind of eluded me. There was a lot going on down there, so I couldn't really find it. I doubt anyone can.” “Part of the clitoris is not visible when looking at the vulva,’ said Lambert. “But that shouldn't matter at all. This guy is 26 years old. I don’t know how he’s made it this far, sexually speaking” Besides puzzles, Caldwell has a bevy of hobbies ranging from sleight-of-hand, pickpocketing, baton-twirling, and rock climbing. “All of these things focus on dexterity, nimbleness, and adaptability,” said Caldwell. “But I don’t know, guys. That’s nothing compared to the unending mystery that is the female anatomy.” “Jeremy is very focused on his craft,” said Caldwell’s girlfriend Jenny Moscowitz, 26. “He says that puzzle-building is his one true calling. Last Christmas he gave me a puzzle of me doing the puzzle he gave me the Christmas before. I wish he'd stop getting me puzzles and give me some nice jewellery instead. Or an orgasm.” What's next for Jeremy Caldwell? “Tl be heading to Japan for a couple of competitions,’ Caldwell said, working ona clump of sheep near the edge of the puzzle. “Then I'll be doing some store openings and talk shows. After that, I'd like to just lie low, see some family, and disappoint my girlfriend sexually.” attorney, told the press. “Mr. Bexler simply has too much on his plate to worry about whether or not cardboard boxes have to be broken down, or which bin is for that sharp plastic that electronics are sealed in. Seriously, can that stuff be recycled? It’s piling up under my sink and I don’t know what to do with it.” When it was suggested that Bexler could simply google how to recycle, or perhaps download one of the free mobile apps that explains where to place recyclable products, Jarvis dismissed the motion. “Mr. Bexler is 28 years of age. His recycling years are long behind him. Besides, that’s what having a girlfriend is ” for.