issue 27 // volume 42 humour // no. 23 Vancouverites angry that they have nothing to complain about > Things have been going too smoothly Chandler Walter Humour Editor Wi seems to be a first for BC’s largest city is a little too hard to handle for many of its residents. Vancouverites have been enjoying sunny weather over the past few weeks, with an unseasonal lack of rain and no grey clouds in sight. “Tt just doesn’t feel right,” said Kitsilano resident, Paul Jones. “I've been to the beach every day this week. I’ve relaxed so much, there’s hardly any stress left to expel.” Jones usually spends his evening being angry that anyone would dare order food at the restaurant he works at, though he said that the lightened attitude of his patrons and those he works with has really changed his mood. “Is this what contentment feels like?” he asked. “I hate it.” Similar issues have arisen at local yoga, meditation, and hookah joints, with owners claiming that the generally relaxed attitude of most Vancouverites nowadays has lost them hundreds of dollars in business. “I mean, who can really be mad on a day like today?” asked yoga instructor Ruth Baxley. “I have less people coming in to relax their bodies and minds with the healing motions of yoga, but honestly, I’ve never felt better” Still, Baxley worried that if things kept going as well for her would-be customers around the city that she would soon be out of house and home. The overall lax attitudes of Vancouverites has eliminated all traffic, as many have taken to bicycling on the sunny days Image via thinkstock instead. Those who remained in their cars are found to be driving selflessly and more apologetically. “The only horns I’ve heard today were ones of gratitude,” said lawyer and commuter Brock Hardy. “It’s kind of crazy how I never thought about it this way, but if everyone just lets people in and no one tries to budge ahead, traffic flows smoothly.” Hardy found himself at work with time to spare every day over the past week, something he said has left him with nothing to talk to his co-workers about. “Usually I show up and say ‘ugh traffic’ and Jim, well he does this shrug thing. It’s pretty great. Now we don't have that any more...” Many around the city have found that this new enlightenment and easy-going attitude has left them severely questioning their own identities. “I mean, we don’t even have the Canucks to be angry about,” said James Benning. “I went to a game the other day, and everyone was just getting drunk and having a good time. No one cared who won or lost because there is no possibility for playoff contention. It’s like they’re not even fans any more!” Many are hoping that some rain will come, so that Vancouver can have something to actually complain about and stop complaining about not having anything to complain about. Entire workforce suddenly stops due to lack of interest > Eighteen million Canadians ‘just didn’t feel like working’ Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer he entire economy of Canada collapsed upon the simultaneous discovery that no one else felt like going into work today, either. “I woke up and it was just such a lovely day,’ explained ICBC worker Ford Chrysler, who is, or was, responsible for overseeing car accident claims. “I decided all those people in chronic pain trying to claim their insurance payouts just to pay rent would have to wait.” Ford proceeded to walk down the road to get some ice cream, only to find that nobody at the corner store was working either. Teenaged 7-Eleven employee I.C. Wiener was instead preoccupied at the beach sipping a six-pack of beer, similarly enjoying the sunny weather. “I can do whatever I want on this beach! There aren’t any beach patrols or lifeguards around!” he proclaimed. Indeed, the people usually employed by the city to keep the beaches a safe place were so busy hitting the waves, lying in the sun, and being attacked by sharks that they had failed to provide others their essential services. All across the nation, employees from all walks of life decided it just wasn’t worth clocking in today. Whether they worked in customer service, corporate business, health care, government, or specialization, the thoughts were unanimous: work can wait. International reaction has ranged from admiration to sheer outrage, particularly in regard to the economic implications of the whole situation. Representatives from the prime minister’s office could not be reached for comment. The prime Illustration by Ed Appleby minister was last seen in Tofino taking a rip from a volcano bag and leading a yoga course. Unintended consequences include—but are not limited to—a lack of teachers in schools to teach children, whose working parents (similarly taking the day off) ended up having to spend quality time with them instead. “It was just horrible,” explained Priscilla Pear, mother of two. “I took my kids out in the sunshine and we played Frisbee before eating a picnic lunch. I kept thinking about how I could be spending time with my boyfriend, if only someone was doing do their job like they’re supposed to be!” Pear is currently employed as a nurse at St. John’s Hospital, whose total lack of staff led to multiple missed meals, medication losses, and heart attacks amongst the patients. Many took the opportunity of the lack of security to enjoy the sunny day themselves. The escaped patients, including many from a psychiatric unit for the criminally insane, will be searched for as soon as the RCMP and other police departments decide to come back to work. The stock market has collapsed, mass looting of stores has taken place, and crime rates have quintupled since the sudden loss of productivity. Reporters on the scene have decided to abandon their work as well, because the beach suddenly seemed like a very nice option.